The One Thing Narcissists Always Do When A Relationship Ends, According To Experts
It's calculated, cruel, and almost always the final move in their playbook.
Vladimir Yelizarov | Unsplash The end of a relationship with a narcissist is going to hurt. The best defense is anticipating what is coming.
A 2022 study revealed that leaving a relationship with a narcissist can be the most dangerous time for the victim, as the abuser may fear losing control and retaliate with more abusive behavior. Anticipating their response to the breakup will not be difficult since the behaviors you have dealt with from the narcissist in your relationship will be the same at the end of the relationship, but amplified.
The one thing narcissists always do when a relationship ends, according to experts:
1. Shift the blame to you
The narcissist always blames you for the breakdown of the relationship. No matter what transpired, it's your fault. If they cheated, it's your fault. If there's no money left, it's your fault. The narcissist will never accept responsibility for their part.
Some narcissists go to great lengths to provoke you into leaving or filing for divorce. Why? So, they can play the martyr and cast you as the evil person who bailed out. This is particularly useful as they pursue their next target. They refer to you as the "psycho ex" as they try to make the new target feel sorry for them.
— Donna Andersen, Author, Relationship Coach
2. Orchestrate a narrative where they emerge as the victim
fizkes / Shutterstock
In the aftermath of a relationship, a narcissist often orchestrates a narrative where they emerge as the victim. This is a sophisticated psychological maneuver rooted in their deep-seated need to preserve self-esteem and control perceptions.
They skillfully rewrite the relationship's history, casting themselves in the role of the aggrieved party. This behavior is not just about seeking sympathy; it's a strategic move to deflect criticism and maintain a façade of infallibility.
By manipulating the story, they not only evade responsibility for any relational breakdowns but also position themselves to garner support and validation from those around them. This tactic can be particularly damaging as it often leaves the real victim doubting their own experiences and feelings.
— Clare Waismann, Waismann Method and Domus Retreat Founder
3. Turn the gaslighting up to power burner
The most important thing to a narcissist is feeling they are in control of you. Chances are, they've gaslighted you in the relationship anyway — but when the relationship ends, that gaslighting may reach hideous new peaks of awfulness because they can't stand losing control.
They may put all the blame on you, make you feel as if you can't live without them, threaten harm to themselves, promise they will change, and generally blurt out whatever they think will imitate or manipulate you into staying with them. Get away from them as fast as you can!
— Dr. Gloria Brame, P.hd, Therapist and author
4. Refuse to acknowledge their part in anything
fizkes / Shutterstock
Blame you. It is difficult, if not impossible, for people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder to see themselves. Don't expect them to acknowledge the role they played in the demise of your relationship.
They will most likely not be self-reflective. They probably will blame you for everything negative that ever occurred, may gaslight you, and won't apologize. It's okay, you're getting away.
— Mary Kay Cocharo, Counselor/Therapist
You can dance around the narcissistic breakup tactics when you know the steps and moves they will make. Remember, the person you are getting away from has already been blaming, shaming, gaslighting, and falsely playing the victim, so whatever twists and fancy moves they try to make in the breakup will be more of the same. If it takes two, you can be the subtracted one who ends it.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
