8 Imaginary High School Classes That Actually Would've Prepared Gen X For Life
Dean Drobot | Canva My hair is falling out, I can throw my neck out by sneezing, my mother died of Alzheimer’s, my friends are talking about Medicaid, and I’m now eligible for the senior menu at IHOP. Nobody prepared me for this.
This should’ve been a class in high school. “Aging 101,” otherwise known as “Yes, You Will Get Old.”
News flash. I didn’t use an ounce of Algebra throughout my life. I did, however, use the information I learned in MOCE, Math of Consumer Economics. That was the class I was defaulted to when I failed the first semester of Geometry in 11th grade.
We were taught how to balance a checkbook, fill out all IRS tax forms, read electric and water meters, understand compound interest on credit cards, and other useful real-life skills.
This is one of many classes I believe should be a requirement, although no one besides my 85-year-old father balances a paper checkbook. As I reached the edges of middle age a few years ago, many things were thrust upon me that I didn’t expect. I feel I was cheated by the school system, by my parents, and by life.
8 imaginary high school classes that actually would've prepared Gen X for life:
1. Course Description for Menopause 1010
Introduction to Menopause, Perimenopause: The Lady Demon No One Talks About
Welcome to the early, but shocking, years of perimenopause! This course will teach you about the horrible changes your body will go through as early as the mid-30s. It covers mood swings, weight gain, irregular periods, and much more. We take away the mystery of this startling phenomenon that no one discussed for close to 2000 years.
2. Course Description for Menopause 1020
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Advanced Menopause: Things Get Real
This course focuses on the in-depth, overwhelming, and unexpected horrors of hair loss, insomnia, brain fog, joint pain, and your dry, dry, lady parts. You’ll learn to take serious advantage of your prime years before the unknown terror of “pain with intimacy” is sadly thrust unknowingly upon your life.
3. Course Description for Life Math 1110
Introduction to Life Math 1: Move Out and Pay Your Bills
Learn the basics of how to move out of your parents' house, open a bank account, get a job, and pay rent. All while wanting to leave! This course covers the basics of spending less than you earn and keeping materialism to a minimum. Special consideration will be taken for students identifying as “Gen Z”.
4. Course Description for Life Math 1120
Advanced Life Math 2: You Don’t Need That
This course is for students specifically struggling with consumerism. It focuses on the use of generic branding, and the concept of “Our Plastic Earth”. A special focus will be to reverse-brainwash the idea of using a parent’s credit to purchase unnecessary and overpriced items. Students are encouraged to bring their current credit card statements to the first class.
5. Course Description for Life Math 1130
Advanced Life Math 3: You Need Money When You’re Old
This mandatory course teaches the student how to plan and prepare for the years age 60+ that they currently can’t mentally or emotionally comprehend. Students will open a small 401(k), which will be locked for life and scheduled for a lifetime deposit of 10% of each paycheck, securing the student from a post-retirement diet of cat food.
6. Course Description for Aging 1210
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Introduction to Aging: Decades Matter
You will learn to party in your 20s and 30s, hope you have a real career by your 40s, notice people will start dying in your 50s, realize your mom and dad are ancient if not dead in your 60s, and know that you’ll pee when you sneeze as your body starts falling apart in your 70s.
7. Course Description for Aging 1220
Advanced Aging 1: People Die
This sensitive but necessary course puts a strong emphasis on the concepts and processes of death. Specifically targeting immediate family and friends, the course covers both the aged and traumatic deaths. All aging courses include details on how to protect your loved ones from your crazy family members when you pass. Also included are PDF downloads of Power of Attorney, Living Will, Advanced Directives, and other forms you never knew you needed to know about.
8. Course Description for Aging 1230
Advanced Aging 2, People Don’t Die: How to be a Decent Caregiver
In the unfortunate event that a loved one has a debilitating condition, this course teaches skills in empathy, patience, multitasking, and staying sober. It also covers how to navigate every overcomplicated medical and financial system while maintaining a healthy glow. Diapers, protein shakes, and hospice beds not included.
Things are either taught or caught. You don’t know until you know, meaning you don’t know something until someone teaches it to you or you witness it. I joke about the topics above, but they’re all serious and personal to each one of us. If we opened up the conversations about aging with the younger generations, it would make everyone’s life a little bit better.
Kristen Crisp is the founder of Not Even Wine With Dinner. A community/mission for those looking for peer support with sobriety, self-esteem, mental health, aging, and all the things that come with being human.
