High-Achieving Men Who Look Totally Put Together Often Deal With 5 Problems In Private, Says Psychologist
Brooke Cagle | Unsplash I’ve written about self-made men, their challenges and personalities, including their interpersonal relationship issues. Relatedly, but not entirely overlapping, are the issues that impact men at the highest levels of achievement.
Many of my clients are extremely high achievers and have gone to the most highly ranked schools, have very lucrative jobs, and are in the top 1% if not higher. This looks great on paper, but some of the highest-achieving men have the most intractable interpersonal and intimate issues.
High-achieving men often deal with a few problems privately:
1. Addiction
goodluz | Shutterstock
Workaholism is its own addiction, and some high-achieving males stick only to this. However, more often than not, the same man who can clock 20 hours of straight work is also addicted to other sensation-seeking activities and substances.
Many common addictions include alcohol, other substances, and exercise. It is extremely hard to have the stamina to “work hard, play hard” without a brain hyper-attuned to the feeling of a dopamine rush. When your brain is always chasing the next novel and exciting thing, closing a deal with a client feels like closing a deal metaphorically with a new partner.
It is hard to keep a brain attuned to always chasing the next big thing in only one domain, and this can deeply harm these men’s family lives and relationships. Long-term marriage can get boring in many ways, and these men find it hard to be bored, which relates to the next point.
2. ADHD
Many successful entrepreneurs have ADHD, in part because they cannot listen long enough to follow directions, so they create their own solutions. Also, people with ADHD thrive under stressful situations because they do best in high-adrenaline situations. However, when things are routine or boring, people with ADHD are unable to focus.
This means that at home, their wives and kids may see them constantly looking around, unable to sit still or live in the moment. Alternately, they may retreat into alcohol, sleep, or their phones because it is so hard for the ADHD brain to focus without a deadline or an adrenaline rush. Their families usually find this insulting.
3. Difficulties with their kids
Violator22 | Shutterstock
It is very hard for someone who is very high-achieving and who has always been successful in most areas of life to understand a child who is wired differently. They often believe the child has no grit or character. The child is likely wired (like their mother) to be more laid-back; a Type A man and Type B woman is a common pairing but can lead to conflict.
Many men like this become enraged when dealing with “lazy” kids who just are not as super-motivated as they are. These kids are also often more content with the status quo than their fathers, which brings us to the next issue.
4. Jumping from goal to goal
Frequently, the same goal-oriented mentality that makes these men so successful means that they are never content in their personal lives. They are always running toward the next bigger, better project, idea, or goalpost. These men find it hard to live in the present and are always looking to the next thing.
If they sublimate their desire to move on to another woman and are committed to monogamy, they may be looking at the next house, boat, or vacation, or always be chasing the next achievement in their “leisure” time, e.g., winning a race, getting overinvested in their kids’ academics/extracurriculars, and so forth. This inability to rest and be content at home often makes their wives feel they aren't enough to keep their husbands interested and satisfied.
5. Anxiety/depression
Many very high-achieving men struggle with anxiety and depression, both of which often manifest in men as irritability or anger outbursts. Often, they have been so successful because they throw themselves into work to outrun their inner demons and soothe their internal turmoil.
If men have been using work as a hedge against anxiety or depression, retirement can often send them into a tailspin, which is why they often keep working long after their financial goals have been met or exceeded.
Men who have become so successful to “spite” an unloving parent or teachers who never believed in them (many men with ADHD feel a lot of resentment about school because they couldn’t control their behavior and were not liked by teachers) have usually not dealt with the deep sadness from their early life, which has led to their masked depression and anxiety.
Note that high-achieving women face many similar issues, although rates of ADHD are lower, and more women can still focus on their kids, as this is often a much higher priority for them in day-to-day life. High-achieving women struggle with friends in unique ways, though.
If this post resonates with you, therapy can be transformative. When very smart, goal-directed people train their attention on therapy, progress can be significant and rapid. You deserve to finally feel at peace in your life, which may entail working through some of these issues and their origins.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice, Best Life Behavioral Health.
