3 Sneaky Ways To Get Someone To Give You What You Need In A Relationship

It's not about controlling your partner, it's about prioritizing yourself.

How to get what you want from your relationship Filipp Romanovski | Unsplash

Getting what you need in a relationship isn't about controlling your partner. Anything you do to control your partner is an abandonment of yourself and will likely reflect on you in being rejected by your partner.

We train people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. Of course, some people will mistreat others regardless, but those types are easy to spot and get out of your life. But what about someone who simply isn't giving you what you need? 


How to get someone to give you what you need in a relationship.

1. Notice how you neglect yourself

If you are a caretaker — a people-pleaser, giving up what you need and complying with what your partner wants gives your partner the message that what you want and need isn't important. Every time you ignore your feelings and needs, you train your partner to ignore your feelings and needs.

If you are intimate when you don’t want to be, you are training your partner it’s OK to use you.


If you get angry at your partner rather than staying open to learning and understanding, you are training your partner to withhold information from you or lie to you to avoid your anger.

If you sit and listen to your partner complain and dump on you, you train your partner it’s OK to keep complaining and dumping on you.

If you are needy, abandoning yourself, and making your partner responsible for your sense of self, you are training your partner to resist and ignore you.

If you let go of self-care, you are training your partner to disrespect you.

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2. Prioritize treating yourself how you deserve to be treated

The road to your needs being met is paved with self-respect.


If you treat yourself with love, compassionately attend to your feelings and needs, and deeply value yourself, you are training your partner to care about your feelings and needs and to value who you are.

If you speak up, telling your truth without blame or judgment, you are training your partner to respect you.

If you stay open to learning and understanding, even in challenging situations, you are training your partner to speak their truth to you.

Two men enthusiastically hug to get what they need their relationship Syrotkin Studio via Shutterstock


If you take loving care of your body, you are training your partner to respect your body.

If you say yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no, you are training your partner to honor your choices and boundaries

We all have ‘mirror neurons’ in our brains, so how we treat ourselves is often reflected to us by how others treat us.

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3. Re-learn how to love yourself

Getting what you want and need from your partner starts with giving yourself what you want and need. It starts with learning to love yourself and define your worth so you are not dependent on your partner to feel worthy.


It’s about learning to stay connected with your feelings so that you can take responsibility for them, rather than making your partner responsible and then feeling like a victim when they reject you. It’s about learning to connect with your source of love — your higher power — so you have love to share with your partner rather than trying to get love.

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The key to getting what you want and need from your partner is to learn how to love yourself and fill yourself with love so that you have love to share.

Love herself helps get what she needs in a relationship Krakenimages.com via Shutterstock

As long as you intend to get love rather than share love, you are training your partner to reject you the way you are rejecting and abandoning yourself.


The more you learn to love and deeply value yourself, the more you will feel loved and deeply valued by your partner. The secret to getting what you want and need from your relationship is to treat yourself how you want your partner to treat you!

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Dr. Margaret Paul is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, and educator.