People Who Stay In Unhappy Relationships Usually Learned These 4 Hidden Patterns Early In Life
Roman Samborskyi | Shutterstock My nieces are a great resource for helping me remember what I went through when I was dating and why I stayed in so many unhappy relationships at that time in my life. They are in their mid 20s, intelligent young women filled with much more insight and the ability to be introspective than I was at their age.
Our topic of conversation was the same as researchers have studied about why we stay in unhappy relationships too long — the ones where fighting was normal, and the up-and-down drama became routine. Somehow, we justify this because when it's "good," it's really good, but when it's "bad," it makes life miserable. There is a litany of hidden reasons people choose to stay, and a lot of them relate back to hidden patterns we may have experienced in our childhoods, even if we didn't realize it at the time.
People who stay in unhappy relationships usually learned these four hidden patterns early in life:
1. Fear they won't find someone else as familiar and comfortable
You can absolutely find someone you are comfortable with. The right relationships for you will not be so difficult. Just think about the abundance of single people seeking a relationship. And remember, it’s not supposed to be difficult. There is an ease and flow when you find the right partner for you. Paste this message on your bathroom mirror!
"You don’t have to hide, tone down, or apologize for any aspect of you or your fabulous life," relationship coach Lisa Steadman encouraged. "With the right partner, you’re not only able to be yourself, but you’re better able to be the best version of your most authentic self, so no compromises are needed."
2. Fear that the other person will be better with someone else
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Staying in this relationship only traps you both. You are not only dishonoring yourself by staying in the relationship, but you are keeping them in the relationship as well. If your partner will work better with someone else, this also means you will work better with someone else. This stems from your own insecurity and your ego. You do not need to obtain your own self-importance by trying to fix someone else.
Life coach Kathy Brown Ramsperger elaborated, "Fixers can also either have low self-esteem or a grandiose sense of superiority — who are we to think we have all the answers? Who are we to think people will leave us if we don't find every solution to their every problem? Who are we to think people need fixing? Who are we to think we can do everything all alone, all the time, without any help?"
Begin doing exercises to boost your own self-worth and let go of the ego desire to control someone else's life. It’s not your place to keep someone trapped when setting the relationship free could be the most honorable thing for both of your lives.
3. Belief that it's better to have someone than lose their safety net
Is your own company so bad that you would rather feel mediocre all the time than feel happy? Research suggested that learning the skill of being happy and whole on your own without needing someone else’s approval or acceptance is crucial before being in a committed relationship. When you come from a place of being healthy and secure within who you are and embrace your ability to self-soothe, your relationships will change.
You will drop the need to stay in a relationship too long because you have the confidence in yourself to be in the world without a partner and have fun! What a concept, have fun on your own and do those things you put on the back burner while you were in a relationship. Become your own safety net.
4. Reluctance to end things to avoid confrontation
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In a perfect world, ending a relationship would be a mutually comfortable decision. This is rare. Telling someone you want out is not easy, and doing it skillfully and gently is important. Being loving and honest is important. Make sure you allow your partner to express their feelings and simply let them know the relationship is not working for your life. Chances are, if you are unhappy, they are unhappy too.
I am sure there are many more excuses for staying in a relationship too long, but when you are unhappy in a relationship and have explored different options to heal it, deciding to end it is the next step. I would not recommend ending a relationship when you are in the middle of an argument or angry with the other person. It will not stick because when you get back on that “high” again with the other person, you will end up back together.
This decision should come from a place of balance. Sit quietly and ask:
- Is this how I want to live my life?
- Is there more pain than joy in this relationship?
- Is there more fighting and struggle than peace?
- Is there ongoing dissatisfaction?
- Do you like yourself in this relationship?
You know in your heart if you are simply making excuses to stay in an unhappy relationship or if the relationship is just going through a bad patch. Remember, it’s not supposed to be that hard. Do things that you have put on the back burner. Learn to enjoy your own company. There is someone who is a better fit for you. Take a breath, be honest with yourself, and take action!
Liz Dawn Donahue is a writer, speaker, and CEO of Mishka Productions. She focuses on relationships and personal growth.
