Kids Raised By Emotionally Unpredictable Parents Usually Carry 8 Habits Into Adulthood
dr.Barmely | Shutterstock Kids who grow up with emotionally unpredictable parents never learn to regulate their own feelings or feel safe and loved. As they enter adulthood, they’ll default to certain habits that started out as coping mechanisms because of their unpredictable childhood.
They may fear letting others down because they were constantly told they were the problem. Others may distance themselves entirely because they don’t want to get close to someone only to have them walk away without notice. Our childhood shapes much of our adulthood, and when parents aren’t a stable force, it can lead to rocky relationships.
Habits kids with emotionally unpredictable parents carry with them as they become adults:
1. They keep others at a distance
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People may not realize how stressful it is to grow up in an unstable home if they had a typical childhood. This type of child grew up with parents who were constantly changing how they showed affection. One day they’d be supportive and loving, and the next, they’d lash out for no reason.
This emotional pain can cause these children to grow into cautious adults. They may not want to get close to others because of the complicated relationships with their parents. A study found that children who are mistreated often prefer distance from strangers. Bonding with others can be complicated when all you know is emotional uncertainty. Unfortunately, that can be very isolating and lonely.
2. They are always reading the people around them
If their parents were hot one day and cold the next, they’re taught that anyone can change on a dime. Instead of entering social situations with an open mind, they often become more cautious. Being hypervigilant around others gives them the comfort of adapting to their emotional changes.
Often, these people grew up watching their parents, trying to gauge where they were emotionally every day. It can be a tough habit to kick because they don’t want to let their guard down and experience more emotional pain.
3. They constantly apologize
Even if you grew up in a stable home, you likely knew the importance of apologizing to your parents. If someone is dealing with emotionally damaged parents, it can become a compulsive habit. Often, they were trying to prevent their parents from having full-on meltdowns.
Frequent apologizing can be a symptom of childhood parental trauma. Often, emotionally unstable parents would blame their children for things they didn’t do, or lash out at them without any warning. This can make them feel as though they're always in trouble, no matter who they’re talking to. Instead of knowing their worth, they’re always on the defensive.
4. They overexplain themselves
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When you thought you were going to be in trouble with your parents, you likely started to form an excuse before they even approached you. Getting that story down would save you from a harsh punishment, or so you thought. With unpredictable parents, a child may have grown up constantly trying to defend themselves and their actions. They never knew what would set their parents off.
People who had difficult childhoods, where communication was lacking or combative, might use overexplaining as a defense mechanism. They’re used to trying anything to relieve the pressure on themselves. Now, they may talk in circles even though most people rarely need someone to explain themselves so passionately.
5. They are not trusting
Growing up in a dysfunctional family can make you question who is actually in your corner, if anyone is. The people you should be able to trust with everything were constantly letting you down and causing you pain. It’s not surprising that this can lead to trust issues in adulthood. Who can you rely on if your parents constantly hurt you? People may not feel comfortable forming relationships at all because of how their parents treated them.
Parents like this are often neglectful and break promises. Sometimes, they put them at risk by exposing them to dangerous people or situations. This can make it difficult to trust anyone.
6. They mask their emotions
It’s not easy to open up to emotionally unstable parents. Often, children would choose to hide their emotions to keep an argument from forming. They perfected being fine when they were far from it. If their parents couldn’t regulate their own emotions, they rarely could show up for their children.
It’s common for people who grew up in that situation to mask their feelings as adults. Not having emotional support at home may have taught them they need to appear stoic in all situations. This can make it difficult for them to connect with other people.
7. They are people-pleasers
For this type of person, pleasing their parents was the way they interacted with them positively. They carried around guilt from feeling like they weren’t enough for their parents. Now, they may default to people-pleasing behaviors. They don’t want to be on anyone’s bad side. Instead, they’ll do whatever it takes to keep them happy.
People-pleasing behavior is often driven by fear. They fear they will let others down and cause themselves more emotional strain. Instead of putting themselves first, they’ll please everyone around them because it is all they know.
8. They notice tone switches others do not
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Childhood trauma changes the way someone reacts to everything in their lives. When they hear someone raise their voice, they may shut down. Growing up, they may have dissociated to avoid moments of emotional stress. Now, they notice every little shift in tone and may protect themselves the same way.
This can harm relationships. People who are reacting to things because of trauma may have less of a hold on their emotions. Lashing out when they feel stressed or overwhelmed may be their go-to when they fear the tone of a conversation.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
