Adults Who Struggle With Physical Touch & Closeness Usually Have 7 Reasons That Started In Childhood
shurkin_son | shutterstock Sometimes adults struggle with getting close to people both emotionally and physically. This can even happen with people who are otherwise happy and upbeat. Some of these people even have touch aversion, a condition that ranges from a real fear of being touched to a general discomfort with physical contact except in certain circumstances.
It does not mean they don’t want an emotional connection with somebody, they just struggle with the physical part, even if they don’t want to. There are many reasons as to why this can happen, and many of them relate back to their childhood.
Adults who struggle with physical touch & closeness usually have 7 reasons that started in childhood
1. Lack of touch from parents
Most people know now that babies need to have skin-to-skin contact with their parents in the first hour of life, but children need affection in later years, too. Research has shown that touch does more than just give kids the warm-fuzzies, it helps them learn.
"We know that children need responsive care and opportunities to build healthy attachments to their caregivers," write experts at Penn State. "Physical contact with caregivers can increase attachment, and positive touch may help to reduce the level of the stress hormone cortisol."
In addition, when caregivers practice healthy touch like hugging a child who is crying, holding hands, offering pats on the shoulder and more, they teach kids what healthy, consenting touch looks and feels like.
When children don’t have this physical contact with their parents, it can lead to a lack of emotional bond and a sense of deprivation of love and affection. This can result in a lack of closeness as adults because they don’t understand the necessity of it or feel suspicious when healthy, consensual touch is offered.
2. Emotional neglect
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Childhood emotional neglect is more common than we want to think. While a lot of parents physically take care of their children, they don’t meet their emotional needs.
According to Dr. Jonice Webb, a well-known expert in Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), "Children who grow up with their feelings ignored [...] wall off the deepest, most biological part of who they are: their emotions. That way, they can stop burdening others with their feelings."
"When your feelings are walled off," she explains, "you are missing some life ingredients that will have a profound effect on your quality of life." And this can include normal, healthy touch.
3. Cultural differences
In 1966, psychologist Sidney Jourard conducted a study to see which cultures touched the most. Jourard sat in coffee shops in various cities around the world and noted how many times couples touched each other (held hands, stroked hair, touched each other’s backs, etc). In San Juan, Puerto Rico, couples touched each other 180 times per hour, in Paris, France it was 110 times, in Gainesville, Florida it was twice, and in London, England, it was 0 times.
Jourard proved that the English and Americans touch way less than other cultures. Recent generations have tried to change this, but the overall trends have stayed the same.
That being said, children born in cultures where people don’t touch much may grow up believing that touching which others find totally normal in public places is wrong or uncomfortable. These feelings may also carry over to their private lives as well which can cause tension in their relationships if there's a big difference in this cultural expectation.
4. Having very few or even no friends
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Childhood friendships are proven to meet social needs such as validation, support, and intimacy as they give kids a sense of security and reassurance. Children without friends do not learn these social needs. They may also may go without the experience of learning what affectionate or friendly touch is like.
They may also struggle to make friends or meet potential romantic partners as adults because they were taught from a young age that they don’t belong. Studies have shown that boys are more likely to be friendless as adolescents than girls, and it's highly likely this could go back to childhood differences in how much affection they received.
The good news is that this can be overcome as adults. Working with a healthcare professional to undo trauma and learn that you are deserving of love will help these individuals get close to people.
5. A troubled relationship with their own body
Body Dysmorphia Disorder (BDD) is common in adults, but it can happen to kids, too. BDD is “when kids and teens spend a lot of time worrying that parts of their body are flawed in some way. They may keep checking, fixing, or covering themselves up, or asking others about their appearance.”
This is unhealthy for adults, but especially for kids. BDD is also one of the causes of touch aversion. Kids who don’t have this addressed will carry these feelings into adulthood, which will most likely cause them to have a fear of touch.
6. Inconsistent parenting
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Inconsistent parenting is similar to emotional neglect, but not exactly the same. Inconsistent parenting is when parents are sometimes emotionally stable and other times negligent, which can feel insecure and even chaotic to a kid.
This confusion leads to kids believing that they might be doing something wrong. Children who grew up with inconsistent parental attention might grow up having physical and emotional intimacy issues in relationships. Sometimes this can even turn into a serious touch aversion and cause big problems in future relationships.
7. Parental conflict
Parental conflict or divorce can be a cause of touch aversion for adults. Kids who grew up with no healthy relationship modeled to them don’t know how to have one when they are older. It can also lead to a fear of abandonment and general anxiety about relationships. They may fear getting attached to someone, and touch can help people bond, so they avoid it entirely.
Fortunately, these issues with touch can be healed and addressed for adults who are struggling with them. For others, touch aversion is just part of their lives and doesn't cause significant issues, and that is perfectly fine.
Sophie Bagheri is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and theatre who covers lifestyle topics.
