6 Once-Easy Decisions That Become Super Emotional When A Couple Lives Together
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock One of the hardest parts about living with a partner is not being able to make unilateral decisions anymore. Even the simplest things, like whether to refrigerate the ketchup, require compromise, and everyone thinks their way is the best way.
If you've noticed that these attempts at compromise are more stressful and emotional than they should be, it might be time to reevaluate your communication style. Sure, a little tiff about the best way to load the dishwasher is normal, but if every minor decision becomes a battleground, it might be time for a lesson in finding the middle ground.
Decisions that were easy to make when you lived alone, but have become stressful after moving in with your partner:
1. The best way to clean
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When you live alone, you're able to keep your space as messy as you'd like it, apart from when company comes over and you cram everything into a closet or scramble to clean the glasses of water piling up in your room. Not speaking from experience or anything...
After moving in with your partner, it's hard to keep up this charade. They may have been under the impression that you're a neat freak based on the appearance of your apartment solely when they come over, but living together changes all that.
Of the things that unmarried couples who live together argue about, household chores are high on the list. According to a YouGov survey, 21% of American couples argue about chores within their relationship, regarding how often they get done and who should be doing them. Out of the participants, 27% of women surveyed answered that chores were a stressor within their relationship, with only 15% of men saying so.
One of the ways to combat this unnecessary tension is by decluttering and dividing. You are no longer the person you were when living alone, so you need to find a way for you both to be happy. That means getting into a routine that is manageable for you both, especially if you have different philosophies on how often to vacuum.
2. Taking a vacation with friends
Before, going on a girls' trip was a no-brainer. When you wanted to go glamping, you didn't have to consult anybody but yourself and your friends.
Now, when you want to travel without your partner, it consumes you with guilt. You feel like you're abandoning them, even though you're only leaving for a few days. It's become the norm to go everywhere and do everything with your partner, both societally and in your relationship, so it feels like a betrayal when you want to take a vacation sans-boyfriend.
The sooner you learn that being away from your partner isn't a crime, the healthier your relationship will become. Psychologist Esther Perel explains that, "[w]hen intimacy collapses into fusion, it is not a lack of closeness but too much closeness that impedes desire." We all need space to explore ourselves, especially in a long-term relationship. Without it, your boundaries can become muddled, and it'll be hard to separate yourself from the collective "we".
3. Where to go for alone time
You were able to kick back and relax the second you got home post-workday prior to moving in with your partner. Now, arriving back to your shared space has become a whole ordeal where you'd much rather be diving into your dinner and shutting yourself off from the outside world for the next six to twelve hours.
To eliminate this internal battle, you first must recognize that your affection is not determined by your desire for peace and quiet. You don't love your partner any less just because you need me-time.
Often, when you feel like your partner is overcrowding you, it's because they don't know that you want to be left alone. They may have learned your ins and outs over time, but they can't read your mind. Having an open conversation with your partner about your needs is absolutely crucial in a relationship to make sure you're advocating for yourself and not just the greater good of the relationship.
4. Figuring out what to eat for dinner
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Long days at work and hangry attitudes can make the decision of what to eat for dinner a burden. When you lived alone, you would've just ordered takeout based on your cravings or come up with a mishmash of things that was the original girl dinner. But now, you have to be mindful of what your partner wants to eat, and you keep running into the problem of indecisiveness.
Couples' food choices is more of a stressor in relationships than people think. In a recent poll that surveyed 2,000 people, 81% of people reported that they argue with their partner about food choices. Of this number, 21% said that these heated debates turn into entire arguments.
The solution to this problem is a lot simpler than you think. You're allowed to eat different meals than your partner. It seems like some unspoken rule that you must plan and cook the same meal to eat alongside your loved one; however, if you're still eating beside each other, it doesn't really matter what you're consuming. In fact, 30% of those polled reported that they prefer to eat different meals in order to solve this mealtime tension.
5. When to go to sleep
Maybe you're a night owl, and your partner is an early riser. Or they can't seem to stop snoring, and it's been keeping you up. You wanted to believe that the transition would be easy. You may have slept with them in the same bed before, but this is now your nightly reality.
You're no longer allowed to be selfish. You have to consider when your partner wants to turn off the light and call it a night, and maybe they don't like that you play whale sounds while you sleep.
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The unfortunate truth about this bedtime struggle is that it'll take some time to get adjusted, and you'll both have to compromise. Now that you're living together, you're entering a new chapter of your life. This may introduce changes into your routine that you may not have wanted previously.
If you or your partner is a night owl, you can try out techniques to fall asleep faster. Whoever falls asleep earlier can practice diligence to carve out alone time before they call it a night. Or you can just agree to have different bedtimes.
6. How you spend your money
When you move in with a partner, finances like groceries and rent are no longer a personal problem.
This can feel suffocating. You may feel like you constantly have to get approval from your partner for your transactions, even though you're a grown adult. The best way to eliminate this financial stress is by setting a budget for both you and your partner to abide by.
Budgets can be a great way to keep track of how much you're spending and where you can cut costs. Within a relationship, having a clear budget can help you be more mindful while still having some money left over for fun purchases, like going out to eat or buying decor for the house.
The Department of Financial Protection and Innovation recommends that you wait on merging your accounts and keep everything separate, but still split the bills. This can make you feel like you still have some independence, while taking on larger expenses as a couple.
Gabrielle Mattes is a writer working towards a Creative Writing degree. Her focus is lifestyle, wellness, human interest, and relationships.
