You Can Usually Tell What Kind Of Mom Someone Grew Up With By The Way They Handle Stress, Says Study
Nathan Cowley | Pexels A recent study published in the journal Child Development found that how an adult handles stress can usually be a window into the type of mom they were raised by.
No two mothers parent the same way, and why would they? Every kid is different, and every circumstance is different. Yet there are certain truths about raising kids that can't be denied, and a major one is that a mother's parenting choices will affect her kids' ability to emotionally regulate as adults.
Often, our moms are the first people to teach us what's worth stressing over and how to handle it, but researchers went a step further and could even determine how kids were taught how to self-regulate emotions or not based on whether they had a calm, cool, and collected mom or a strict disciplinarian parent.
You can usually tell what kind of mom someone grew up with by the way they handle stress as adults.
A recent study out of Penn State found that when children grow up in a strict environment, like a mom who uses corporal punishment or erratic discipline, they are more likely to grow into adults who have a hard time handling stress.
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This is because the child's psyche is highly malleable when they're younger, but becomes more solid as they age into their preteens. If all they know are extreme reactions to emotional triggers from their mother, they will not only mirror her responses, but they will also not be able to regulate their own emotions as they get older without help from others.
On the flip side, calm moms who take things in stride and can regulate their emotions with ease have kids who grow into adults with the same ability to self-regulate.
The researchers noted that the findings from the study "shed new light on why children who are harshly parented or maltreated show more rigid, less functional stress response systems, possibly as a result of a high-stress environment." A child's baseline nervous system should never be in fight-or-flight mode. So why are some moms harsher than others?
How harshly a mom parents is usually a reflection on how she was parented.
There's a reason why so many people say that being a mom is the hardest job in the world. Once a baby is born, moms experience pressure to wear many hats: nurse, cleaner, therapist, teacher, chef, detective, handywoman, survivalist, the list goes on and on. Not to mention, the mother's needs get put on hold for the sake of her child. Anyone would have moments of stress.
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According to the researchers, "mothers are at risk of parenting more harshly if they themselves were harshly parented or maltreated as children, and that risk increases when they feel overwhelmed and have more stressors, such as parenting challenges, family conflict, financial or employment difficulties, or greater mental health symptoms."
While it's not easy to be a mom, it's also not easy being on the receiving end of harshness as a vulnerable child. Having a strained relationship with one's mom (or no relationship at all) as a result of harsh treatment from her can come with a myriad of negative emotions. Not all hope is lost, however.
There are ways to heal from a harsh mom and cultivate stress management strategies.
For some adults without emotional regulation, thanks to their harsh childhood, there's resentment built up over years of trauma caused by their mom, or there is the response of simply going no-contact with her. There are other options.
While the relationship itself might have caused, and might still cause, unhealthy responses to stress, there are ways in which a person can slowly heal themselves and learn to function independently well in the world.
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Experts at The Attachment Project echo the same sentiment found in the study, "The mother wound occurs when a mother offers their child physical but not emotional support." The wound that they refer to can be palpable, but they offer three steps to start the healing process:
First, calmly communicate emotions with other people. Second, process the relationship with mom either by journaling or seeking professional help from a therapist. Third, tune in to the needs of your inner child by increasing self-awareness and reflecting on how far you've come.
Parental bonds aren't magically perfect for everyone. It's the luck of the draw on who becomes our primary caregiver, and how they treat us affects us into adulthood.
Healing a fractured nervous system caused by the person who was supposed to nurture you and protect you from the world can be difficult. Perhaps it is just time to mother our inner child the way we always wanted.
Luke Aliga is a writer with a degree in Technical Writing and Communication who covers relationships, culture, and human interest topics.
