12 Habits Baby Boomer Parents Don’t Realize Push Their Adult Children Away
Kues | Shutterstock Baby Boomer parents didn't set out to push their adult kids away. Most of them might even be surprised to learn that some of their everyday habits are part of why their adult children have started keeping their distance. The intentions behind those habits are almost always good.
But good intentions and good outcomes are two different things. According to licensed marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein, every generation is shaped by its own historical, social, and political factors, and what feels completely natural to one generation might feel outdated or even intrusive to the next.
Here are 12 habits Baby Boomer parents don’t realize that push their adult children away:
Boomer habit #1: Demanding apologies but never offering them yourself
Be offended quickly and expect your child to apologize to you for every slight. There is no need for you to reciprocate. After all, whatever you did that they are upset about was well-intentioned and for their own good. Why should you apologize for doing what any good parent would?
Boomer habit #2: Belittling their accomplishments
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Don’t give them a sincere compliment when they accomplish something. You wouldn’t want them to get a swelled head.
Be sure to point out how much more someone else, such as their sibling, cousin, or your friend’s kid, has done. Or you can take credit for it. Remind them that they would be nothing without all of your training and sacrifice.
Boomer habit #3: Rewriting history
When you look back at your past together, always put yourself in the best possible light. You are the hero of your own life. It’s fine to tweak your memory of how things happened to make yourself look better.
Say it to yourself and others enough times, and you’ll believe it. Reject any attempts by your child to suggest reality might be different than what you say.
Boomer habit #4: Insulting their partner
Be quick to point out all the faults you can find in anyone they date or marry. Nothing is out of bounds: appearance, race, occupation, family, or their past.
If your child says something negative about their partner, make a note and bring this up regularly in the future. Blame this person for all the problems in your relationship with your child.
Boomer habit #5: Always taking the partner’s side
Alternatively, you can idolize their partner. If they try to suggest their partner may be abusive, point out all the ways your child is really the one at fault.
Remind them that they are so lucky their partner would even stay with someone like them. Suggest they need to try harder to make things work.
Boomer habit #6: Getting other family members to plead your case
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If they aren’t answering your calls, get family members to contact them and remind them. It is unnatural and even sinful for a child to neglect their parent. This is the only detail your helpful family member needs to know to be able to reach out and guilt your child into doing the right thing.
Boomer habit #7: Not listening when they ask you to stop
They might tell you that something you are doing is bothering them. Don’t listen. You are the parent. They owe you respect, not the other way around.
Boomer habit #8: Refusing to follow their rules regarding their children
Once they have children, you have rights as a grandparent. Ignore whatever guidelines they set about sweets, bedtimes, spankings, safety, language, and TV. No one is going to stop you from spoiling your grandchild or from giving some much-needed discipline to this child whose parents aren’t doing it right.
Boomer habit #9: Reminding them that scripture demands respect for parents
If you are religious, don’t pass up an opportunity to remind them of their obligations to you. Quoting scripture is always a winning move, even if they don’t believe the same things you do.
You can do the same thing with cultural heritage. Remind them that our people do things a certain way, and they had better start toeing the line.
Boomer habit #10: Playing favorites
If you have more than one child, make sure you favor one child over the other. You can even change up which child is in favor based on how well they are pleasing you at any given time.
Whatever you do, do not encourage your children to have a relationship with each other that doesn’t include you. Always play them off of each other.
Boomer habit #11: Denying their gender
If your child tries to tell you something you don’t want to hear about their gender, you don’t have to accept it. You can ignore what they say and pretend you never heard it.
You can firmly tell them you don’t believe in that sort of thing. You can pretend to be accepting, but do everything in your power to try to change them. You can reject them entirely.
Boomer habit #12: Telling them your pastor/best friend/neighbor agrees that they are being a horrible child
When you aren’t getting the kind of reaction that you want from your child, rather than examining your own actions, complain to your pastor, friends, or internet groups. Be sure to tell only your side of the story.
If you don’t get the kind of support you are looking for, go to another source. Once you get what you need, throw the comments back at your child to prove that everyone agrees they are in the wrong.
What matters to you most? A healthy adult relationship with your grown child or a relationship completely on your terms, even if that means your child ends up cutting you off. Make your choice and act accordingly.
Mary DeVries is a writer who has lived in four countries, on three continents, in eight different US states, and in more houses than she can count.
