Psychologist Says Couples In Their 50s And 60s Often Rediscover Each Other By Talking About These 5 Life Moments
simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock Discussing how you and your partner felt at key life stages can enhance connection and closeness as you age into your 50s and 60s. Often, as a clinical psychologist, I see couples in counseling who feel disconnected and/or angry with one another.
They have lost the ability to empathize with each other, and to see each other’s perspectives. One way that therapy can help bring couples closer is that we discuss topics in session that partners would never discuss on their own. Learning new information about how one another views the world, the relationship, and life in general can rekindle closeness and recharge the ability to see the world through your partner’s eyes.
Here are five life moments you and your partner can discuss if you have been feeling distant or irritable with one another. At least one of these conversations is likely to help you feel warmer and closer toward your partner, and to help you understand them as well as to feel understood deeply.
A psychologist says couples in their 50s and 60s often rediscover each other by talking about these 5 life moments:
1. How you felt during the transition from elementary to middle school
This is a tough time for many kids, and it has likely been a while since you have talked about how you and your partner navigated this phase.
Picturing your partner as a middle schooler (get out photos for visuals!) promotes tenderness and empathy, and, often, social anxiety and depressive tendencies start at this time, which can help you learn more about your partner’s possible current struggles.
2. How you felt during your first truly intimate experience
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Whether this means puberty, or your first kiss, or what you used to fantasize about as a teenager, or losing your V-card, learning about your partner’s development into an alluring being can help you feel closer.
Learning about your partner’s first intimate experiences can be very instructive in helping you see why they are how they are and why they like or don’t like certain things. Plus, these initial explorations are likely far enough back in history that they don’t evoke jealousy, but rather, interest and curiosity.
3. How you felt at your first job/in college/grad school
Many people only have set anecdotes about their transition from school into the workplace, so encourage your partner to go deeper and tell you new information about this time.
You can learn a lot about your partner from their early career experiences, and if this was a long time ago, it will make you feel more tender toward them to visualize them as an insecure new hire or young grad student. This can also turn into a discussion about how your partner’s academic or career ambitions have changed over time.
4. How you felt when you learned you were pregnant/had your first baby
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If this was already years ago, or if you are in a second marriage with someone who isn’t the coparent of your kids, it can make you feel much more connected to learn about how they feel during this very emotional time.
It may be a bittersweet conversation if your kids are growing up fast or have already grown up, but do not shy away from emotion; emotional disclosure is what bonds people.
5. How you felt about one another when you first saw each other/went on your first date/fell in love
Again, try to steer clear of the pat story that you guys trot out to tell other people at parties, and go deeper. Aim to share new information with your partner about how you thought and felt about them at first, when your feelings shifted, and (especially flatteringly) how anxious you were to make a good impression on them.
This is a topic that most couples like to reminisce about, even when feeling disconnected. It was a time when both of you felt excited about yourselves and one another, and discussing it can help you remember these positive feelings.
These conversations are likely to rekindle some warmth and connection in most partners, and/or to defuse anger and irritation. If you like this idea and need more prompts, you can use my book 52 Emails To Transform Your Marriage, and use the prompts for either in-person or email conversations.
Note: If these prompts make you feel even angrier or more anxious about your relationship, there are likely significant unresolved empathic ruptures about one or more key issues in your history. Couples counseling can help with this, so that you can move forward with an open heart towards one another again.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice, Best Life Behavioral Health.
