People Who Swear Their Marriage Is ‘Fine’ And Then End Up Divorced Almost Always Ignore One Issue, Experts Say
simonapilollatnf | Canva Hi, I’m Maria, and I’m a recovering commitment phobe. For most of my life, I was the Houdini of emotional attachment. Even when I found myself in long-term relationships, I was always subconsciously looking for a way out — and whenever I pictured my future, I pictured it alone.
Then a psychologist diagnosed me with depersonalization-derealization disorder: a trauma-induced condition that causes you to disconnect from your body, feelings, and sense of self. Ironically, dissociation made me really good at taking care of other people (after all, I had few needs of my own), but it also made me allergic to vulnerability.
Suddenly, my severe detachment made so much sense. How could I stand by someone else when I couldn’t even stand by myself? When my body felt so unsafe that my brain’s only means of survival was to abandon it entirely?
Now, after three years of intensive trauma therapy, I’ve returned to who I am, physically and emotionally. I met an incredible man who soothes my nervous system rather than setting it on fire. I can finally picture a future with someone. In fact, we’re currently shopping for rings.
I’m optimistic, granted I worked, cried, and therapized my butt off to get here. But as a journalist and a child of divorce, I also know how 40% of marriages end. That’s why I’m constantly reading books about relationships, listening to podcasts about the psychology of attachment, and researching what makes for a successful marriage.
Recently, Marianna Hewitt had bestselling author and personal growth expert Mel Robbins on her podcast, Life with Marianna. Robbins’ content doesn’t always resonate with me, but this topic caught my attention.
What’s the biggest dealbreaker in a marriage? Incompatibility of core values.
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According to Robbins (who cites research from The Gottman Institute), 69% of issues in a relationship are never going away. While people can develop new skills, curb bad habits, and learn to manage conflict, you need to assume that the person you married will always be the person you married. As a result, the biggest dealbreaker is incompatibility (“Duh,” I thought), but it turns out that compatibility is way more flexible than we realized.
While people on first dates typically ask about work, hobbies, shows, and music, none of these things are actual dealbreakers. In fact, research shows that tons of successful couples have little in common when it comes to their interests, looks, and careers, and 73% of couples believe that their differences lead to more intriguing, enriching relationships.
A relationship science study from 2020 ultimately discovered that successful relationships aren’t found — they’re built — and in order to build a successful relationship, you largely have to accept your partner for who they are.
One thing is virtually impossible to accept: a difference in core values.
“What actually makes you not compatible is this: Is there something about this person that is going to make you go against your values, or give up on your dreams? If staying with this person means that you have to give up on some kind of dream or vision that you have for your life, this will never work, because you will slowly resent them and blame them for the fact that you gave up on your dream.”
Looking back, it wasn’t just my dissociation causing me to keep men at arm’s length. It was the knowing, even underneath the numbness, that I’d have to give up who I was to be the person they expected me to be.
Since I was 11 years old, I’ve wanted to be a writer. On the surface, writing seems like a pretty innocuous thing. But not the way I wanted to do it. I wanted my writing to make a genuine difference, and you can’t cook an omelet without breaking a few eggs. In the words of Donna Brazile, “If everyone likes you, it probably means you aren’t saying much.”
I also believe that this earth has enough people, and most of them are in pain. Why would I bring more humans into the world when I could potentially ease the suffering of those who are already here?
Last but not least, writing has always been my non-negotiable. It’s taken priority over eating, sleeping, socializing, and (most recently) keeping the peace. It was the one place where I could unearth my truth, and a woman’s truth isn’t always flattering to those involved. I needed someone who understood and accepted all of that.
While most of my ex-boyfriends were good guys, the majority of them came from traditional families; families who expected me to return to Christianity, pop out babies, and be a doting, submissive wife and mother. I have already been the woman who abandoned her truth for other people’s benefit, and I am never going back.
This is why more women than ever have quit dating
According to a recent survey from Pew Research, a whopping 62% of single women are no longer looking for a relationship. As women age, their desire to date plummets lower and lower. Women who divorce often say they’re much happier single, and they’ll never get married again.
Why? Because in a patriarchal culture, marriage benefits men a lot more than it benefits women.
Statistically, married men are healthier, richer, and more fulfilled than single men. Of course they are; someone else is prioritizing their physical well-being, managing their emotions, and taking care of responsibilities at home, so men can focus on their careers, hobbies, and dreams. Married women, however, rarely have any time for themselves.
Even in households where husbands and wives earn the same amount of money, women still shoulder the brunt of domestic labor, including cooking, cleaning, childcare, shopping, budgeting, and scheduling. At the end of the day, they’re too exhausted to consider who they are and what they want out of their lives.
As a result, over half of the world’s women have given up on their dreams. When asked why, most cite a lack of support, a cultural emphasis on marriage and kids, and a fear of defying traditional concepts of what it means to be a successful woman.
No wonder women now initiate over 70% of divorces. Assuming the role of “wife” often forces us to sacrifice our dreams and compromise our values to care for others — especially in this political climate.
In the past several years, conservative Republicans and Christian nationalists have pushed for a return to “traditional family values.” According to a 2025 poll, 60% of men still want a marriage that adheres to traditional gender roles, in which a wife prioritizes her husband, children, and chores over her own desires.
Women are done compromising their values
A global survey of over 13,257 women found that they would rather stay single than date someone with opposing political beliefs. One of the three biggest dating dealbreakers among single women in America? “Voted for Donald Trump.” When asked if they’d ever date a Trump supporter, 94% of female Ivy League students said no, making it a bigger factor than race, religion, or income.
Some men have gone so far as to call this “discrimination,” arguing that women should be able to separate politics from the individual — and sure enough, guys are more flexible about political beliefs: 67% of men say they’d date someone from the opposite party, and as Ossiana Tepfenhart points out, some conservative men chase liberal women on purpose.
I guess it’s easy to be lax about opposing viewpoints when it’s not your rights, autonomy, dreams, or humanity on the line. To them, it’s a game.
To us, it’s the choice between yet another generation of servitude and finally belonging to ourselves. It’s the difference between becoming an accessory in someone else’s life and becoming a fully realized human with our own truths, dreams, and desires.
No wonder attorneys reported that divorces skyrocketed after the 2024 election. Some men seemingly don’t understand that today, a difference in political beliefs is a difference in core values.
And as we’ve already discussed, a difference in core values is the one thing that a marriage can’t survive. For the first time, I’m hopeful about my future with someone, because his love does not require me to shrink, dull, exhaust, or abandon myself.
Maria Cassano is a writer, editor, and journalist whose work has appeared on NBC, Bustle, CNN, The Daily Beast, Food & Wine, and Allure, among others. ere.
