Instead Of Trying To Argue With Someone Who Thinks They’re Always Right, Ask Them These 3 Questions
If it's like arguing with a brick wall, these three questions will help break through it.
Lipik Stock Media | Shutterstock Most of us have at least one person in our life who is impossible to argue with because they're such a know-it-all, and so convinced they're right about everything, it's like trying to talk to a brick wall. Giving up is one option, but not a great one if you want the relationship to actually have any kind of staying power. So what are you supposed to do with these people? Communication expert Dr. Jeff Bogaczyk shared a three-step method to breaking through these people's arrogance and getting them to actually listen.
Dr. Bogaczyk, known as MindForLife online, is an expert not only in communication but also in leadership and persuasion. He holds a Ph.D. in rhetoric, which is the art of persuasion itself. He said that when it comes to these kinds of know-it-all people, the feeling you get that arguing with them is impossible is very real. We've all felt that a time or two these days, and our political divisions alone are enough to make it feel like a lot of people are completely unreachable.
"Don't waste your time," he advised in a video on the subject. "[Don't] spend hours and hours arguing with someone, using logic and facts and everything to try to persuade someone who's always right."
It doesn't work for a reason. As Dr. Bogaczyk explained, psychological research has found that people tend to dig in their heels even deeper when they are challenged, because it feels like their identity is being questioned. Again, if you've gotten into a political argument recently, you've surely experienced this.
"When you question the fact that they're wrong about something, it hits to their identity, and they immediately resist," he said. Instead, he suggested asking someone the following three questions to navigate around that defensiveness and break through their obstinacy.
3 questions to ask someone who always thinks they're right, rather than arguing with them:
1. 'Is there anything that could actually change your mind?'
"When you ask this question, they then give you back the key that might unlock their perspective," Dr. Bogaczyk explained. Which makes sense. Asking this question takes the conversation away from the perceived questioning of their identity and reroutes it to something theoretical. That feels a lot less threatening, and actual insight can emerge.
2. 'If you were wrong, where would you be wrong?'
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"But I'm not wrong," they'll say. Take it from someone who's tried this. But if the person you're talking to truly cares about you, your relationship, and actually solving the conflict, they will relent to this thought exercise.
The thing is, usually when people get defensively angry, it's because they know they're not entirely correct, or at least aren't confident that they are. That vulnerability can be terrifying to some people, especially if, as Dr. Bogaczyk said, their beliefs are part of their identity.
Considering this theoretical question provides an opportunity for the cracks in their mindset to widen enough for light to come in and illuminate the weak spots of their view. And speaking from experience, that allows them to access the parts of their brain that are more logical and empathetic, so that they can at least START to reconsider.
3. 'What do you think is the weakest part of your argument?'
Similarly to number two, Dr. Bogaczyk said the goal here is to "get them to self-reflect and to examine their own perspective," including its strengths and weaknesses, rather than angrily defend themselves.
And they very well may insist there is no weakness, but that's a different question. "You can say, 'Well, what's the weakest part?'" Dr. Bogaczyk explained. "That doesn't mean there's an actual weakness. But there must be a weakest part." It's a sort of thought experiment that will open their mind up a bit if they're willing to actually do it.
The short version of Dr. Bogaczyk's method is that all of these questions force a person to temporarily leave the defensive, primitive, instinctual "fight or flight" part of the brain, the so-called "lizard brain" of the brain stem, and into the "thinking" brain of the far more sophisticated prefrontal cortex that doesn't even mature until our mid-20s.
That ranting and raving to defend their "identity?" That's primal instinct, and you'll likely never penetrate it. But luring them into a place of actual contemplation disrupts that feedback loop and makes it possible for them to hear you. And that's where you can make actual progress.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
