Parents Who Do These 10 Things Keep Their Sons Close, Even Long After They Grow Up
Raising boys to become the men who make a better world.
cottonbro studio | Canva Parents and educators are deeply concerned about teen boys and young men, and for good reason. For a variety of reasons, young men appear to be struggling; not just with their mental health, but also with friendship, education and in the workplace. While parents may feel helpless in the face of these alarming trends, they have far more influence than they realize.
Co-authors Joanna Schroeder and Christopher Pepper dive deep into the question of raising healthy, kind boys in their book, Talk To Your Boys: 16 Conversations to Help Tweens and Teens Grow into Confident, Caring Young Men, hoping to interrupt this troubling trend. Joanna sat down with host Andrea Miller, herself a mom of tween and teenage boys, to share what she learned in her quest to create a quick-and-easy toolkit for raising emotionally intelligent boys. Here are 10 expert lessons we learned from this episode.
Parents who do these 10 things keep their sons close, even after they grow up
1. They create the foundation of connection
Boys don't know how to start a conversation because they are afraid to say something to get their privileges taken away. "Our boys really want to talk to us," asserts Joanna Schroeder, "but you have to be willing to talk when your kid wants to talk. It's not when you think it is."
You might notice your son standing in the doorway as you get ready for bed. He is on his phone, but he's not in his room. He's just standing there. That is probably a sign he's got something to talk to you about.
This was not apparent to Schroeder until she heard their boy's panel, a group of 80+ boys they interviewed for Talk To Your Boys, share their fears of bringing things up with parents, and the indirect ways they have tried to start awkward conversations around challenging topics.
2. They respond to their sons' 'bids'
Bids are the little signs they need to talk or have time to connect. Often, a bid from your son will seem totally random. If he is slamming around in the kitchen and complaining about the spoons being too small, that's a bid. His frustration is putting out a bid for connection. As a parent, you need to respond and start a conversation.
They don't even know how to start talking about what is bothering them. So they're just saying the first thing that's on their mind. "Simply recognizing that a bid was made opens the door to the response. If you pay attention, you’ll respond to both the text and the subtext," Gottman Institute research explained about emotional bids.
3. They adapt to their teen son's schedule
Connection comes from respect, and boys learn respect by parents modeling that behavior. So, trying to start a conversation outside of your son's schedule for connection is going to create tension.
Instead, ask him, "Is it a good time to talk?" or "When can we talk?" This will get much better responses than barging in on him and demanding a conversation. When you respect him and his time the way you would anyone else, he will respond well to that. And, remember, teenagers often experience a later sleep cycle than adults. It's not a character flaw, it's biology!
4. They don't assume to know what their son is thinking or feeling
Don't assume they don't want to talk or want to be alone, even if body language seems to say they do. As parents, you need to understand how much of their lives is lived on their phones. You might see them and think they do what you do on your phone, mostly nothing.
Yet, the reality is he could be texting with a crush for the first time, studying with flash cards for an exam, sharing study notes with classmates, or helping a struggling friend in emotional need. All of these things are work and can be overwhelming.
So just ask them what they are doing first.
5. They 'get curious, not furious'
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Parents are going to feel how they feel, and your feelings are OK. You are going to feel angry and disappointed, but before you shout or show anger, pause and model cooling down. Remember, your behavior models what is appropriate behavior for your son. Cooling down when angry can help anyone connect better!
Once you have moved out of an emotionally reactive mindframe, you can become curious about what your son was doing, thinking, and feeling when he acted or said something inappropriate or broke a rule. Having the conversation around the incident and his motivation behind it will help you both understand and learn.
Of course, your curiosity doesn't mean he won't have to experience the consequences of his actions if punishment or consequences are necessary. Being sure to connect emotionally and communicate will create more trust and safety around emotional vulnerability.
6. They gently invite them closer
Building on getting curious, not furious, be sure to watch for despair, loneliness.
You can ask him, "I noticed you seem like you're having a rough time right now, and I'm really sorry about that. We're going to talk later about how you slammed the door in my face. That's not OK. But right now I'm mostly concerned if you're feeling OK? Is something going on?"
They may then say, "Oh, Mom, oh my gosh, you wouldn't believe what happened at school was embarrassing." Or they might say nothing. Then you have the bedtime doorway lingering thing happen. Instead of pushing them away when they tried to push you away, you gently invited them to come closer until they are ready to talk.
Listen as he tells you something that seems meaningless, because it will lead to something deeper. Understand that learning to communicate is a learned skill. If he starts with no clue how to communicate his feelings, he will get better. When you talk about learning to communicate to stay closer, you create a home where emotions are never mocked or dismissed.
7. They let them cry
One of the participants in the boy's panel, Cameron, age 18, put power to words as he described his experience. "I keep a lot of feelings to myself because I don't really know how to talk about them. I don't even know how to express it besides just drawing stuff. I worry that one day I will fully lose it and do something I fully regret. My dad goes by the idea that men don't cry, and that's heavily affected me. I wish adults would support their children through hard times to express their feelings."
Research has consistently backed up how crying is a self-soothing behavior in humans. Cutting boys off from the ability to self-soothe can stunt the development of empathy.
Of course, we are not talking about wearing big feelings all the time. It is about emotional validation within the home. To learn emotional regulation, boys need to explore and express all their feelings. We all need to have a home where we can cry.
8. They stop assuming their son's world is the same as theirs
One major reason boys struggle is that they have parents, teachers, and coaches teaching them skills to thrive in a lost world. We live in a new world. When you impose the standards of the past on your son, you are setting him up for failure in the future.
Like it or not, the old social norms for boys are gone. The world is new, and boys understand that all too well. When you listen to your son and get a conversation going, you will learn how the advice of past generations for men is no longer applicable. They're caught between two worlds, which can make them feel hopeless, and you don't want your kid to feel hopeless.
He feels caught between worlds and struggles to find ways to fit himself into them. Without the communication skills necessary, he can't explain how he feels pressure from both worlds to perform to their often conflicting standards.
9. They allow them to express masculinity in ways that are genuine to them
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Parent needs to be aware of how they talk about masculinity and gender expression. This is part of the problem of feeling caught between worlds and between definitions of masculinity. When you paint one expression of masculinity as either good or bad, it boxes boys in and requires inauthenticity to become the norm.
Nadav, age 15 describes the situation, "masculinity presents an impossible dichotomy, understanding and processing emotions while also being unable to feel and experience them. You've expect you're expected to know how to handle emotions in a way that doesn't involve talking about them, or learning about them, or showing them, or experiencing them. It's very tiring."
There is no masculine normal. He can be authentic, a jock or a theater kid, or whatever is authentic for him, and that is OK and healthy. It's not about how you express gender but rather how you treat other people.
10. They help them learn to build bonds with others, too
Building bonds with other boys and men is nothing new. We are social creatures who evolved to be in community. Men weren't designed to be strong and silent any more than women were. If you think the hunters and gatherers weren't talking about what was going on inside their feelings as they were out for hours and hours hunting, well, I am sorry to tell you they most definitely were.
Being close with parents is great, but boys need to have friendships and bonding skills, too. We need strong emotional networks to be happy.
Boys need experience in identifying their feelings and knowing who they can trust to talk to about those emotions. When they are grown, they need to identify who might be receptive to diving a little bit deeper and then pulling those people close and keeping them close.
Emotional vulnerability is a friendship skill and a superpower. When you think of the most charismatic leaders, they're the ones who can foster emotional connections with people and feel a sense of relatability.
For generations, it seemed like nobody talked about what it meant to raise a good man. A strong boy? Yes. A boy who would have a high-paying career? Sure. But a good man, a man who wanted to make the world better? That is a new conversation, but one of the most important ones for parents today. The key is to help boys stay deeply connected to their parents.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
