Dad Refuses To 'Disrupt' His Kids With Divorce So He Stops Speaking To His Cheating Wife Instead
Warring parents who won't speak to each other isn't "disruptive?"
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock The debate over whether couples should stay together "for the kids" has raged on for decades, but it glosses over one very inconvenient fact: A house full of vitriol and turmoil with two parents who don't get along is incredibly damaging to kids. And the notion that kids don't pick up on the dynamics between their parents is absurd. Their brains are sponges. They know.
One dad on Reddit is in a terrible situation with his wife, and while his motivations for sticking the relationship out are understandable, it has led him down a road that is completely at odds with the data and likely hurting his kids in the process.
The dad refuses to 'disrupt' his children's lives by divorcing his unfaithful wife.
This couple is an absolute mess right off the bat, and the selfishness in both parties is pretty much off the charts when you consider that there are children in the house. His wife decided she wanted an open marriage, so now they are "in an open relationship and not by my choice," as the dad put it in his since-deleted Reddit post.
"She gave me an ultimatum, either divorce or poly," the man wrote. "I don't want a divorce because of kids so it's poly."
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The lines are blurred here with regard to the definition of "cheating," but coercive non-monogamy is about as unethical as non-monogamy can get. The fact that his wife seems not to have the moral clarity to file for divorce herself rather than issue an ultimatum is just as problematic as everything else.
But that's ultimately a separate issue. The important thing here is that there are kids in this house, and neither one of these people is putting their needs first, including the dad, who insists he is by staying.
Rather than split, he is simply not speaking to his wife and icing her out of everything.
"It's been a few days and I have come to certain conclusions," the dad wrote. "I want everything to be separate." From bank accounts to bathrooms, bedrooms to even the coffee in the morning, he has decided that their lives are going to be completely divided from each other.
"I don't want to do anything that will in any way benefit another man," he wrote. "I don't want her to gain energy from food I made or bought and use that energy to [be with] other men." He's also stopped speaking to her, "because I may make her feel good and another man will benefit from it," so he's cut off all communication except for text.
His obvious hatred of her is completely understandable, and no reasonable person would dispute that. But this behavior is insane, and with children in the house absorbing every drop of this hatred, it's inexcusable.
It is also the same thing as a divorce, but he refuses to do so, even after his wife has said she wants to try to work things out. "I am not interested. Nothing I want is unreasonable in any way." Except that it is, and many on Reddit told him so. But he is adamant, and had a pointed message to the commenters: "Stop telling me to divorce, I am not gonna be the one to disrupt the lives of my kids." Too late, brother.
This dad has already 'disrupted' his kids' lives, and experts say it's likely damaging them far more than divorce.
His feelings may be valid and his intentions may be good, but the blunt truth of this is unavoidable: The notion that his kids are not being profoundly and traumatically "disrupted" by this situation already is frankly idiotic.
He contends that he "[doesn't] believe kids are better off being shuttled around every two days," but it doesn't matter what he believes. People far more qualified than he is have studied this for decades, and the science is clear. Witnessing parents who are at each other's throats is far more damaging to kids than divorce is.
A landmark 2017 study on the issue found that the behavioral, emotional, and cognitive problems seen in children subjected to divorce have more to do with the nature and intensity of the conflict in the home BEFORE divorce proceedings began, not the divorce itself.
That is, lots of conflict before divorce equals lots of behavior and emotional problems. Parents who actually act like adults and handle their conflict appropriately before divorcing, on the other hand, had fewer behavioral and mental health problems in the kids during and after their split.
Most therapists agree that a marriage should be salvaged if it can be, but the most important consideration is ensuring the kids are not being raised in a toxic environment, which makes them feel unsafe and traumatized. You couldn't ask for a more toxic environment for children than this one. Pretending to be happy doesn't work either. Kids are young, not stupid. Their brains are wired to pick up on subtle cues just like everyone else's.
Perhaps most important of all, studies have also found that while divorce is always difficult for children, most bounce back quickly and are better off in the long run. "Staying together for the kids" does nobody any favors, and one of these two parents needs to have the spine to put their kids first instead of in the middle. Put an end to this toxic marriage before it drags the kids down with it. You chose to be parents. Get over yourselves and do your job.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
