Mom Upset That Her Husband Wants A Second Child Because Their Firstborn Is Autistic
They each have very different thoughts and feelings about having another child.
Ivanna Lukiian | Shutterstock Having a child with special needs is a rewarding experience, but it can also be incredibly difficult. One couple was at odds because the husband desperately wanted to have a second child for a chance at “normal” parenthood. Meanwhile, his wife didn’t want to risk having another child who would have special needs.
Turning to Reddit, the mom asked for advice, and users shared not only their own experiences but also different perspectives to consider before simply adding to their family. While both parents' views were valid, neither one really considered their current child and how a sibling might impact them, or how having a special needs sibling might impact a second child.
A mom asked for advice after her husband said he wants to have another child because their firstborn is autistic.
In her post, the mom explained that she and her husband were deeply at odds over the thought of having a second child, and they each had very different perspectives on the issue. “My husband wants another child because our first child is autistic,” she shared.
The mom clarified that their firstborn has non-verbal Level 2 autism. Katherine Martinelli from the Child Mind Institute explained, “Previously, what is now known as autism spectrum disorder was four different diagnoses. Now there is one umbrella diagnosis with three levels of autism, which are based on the amount of support an individual requires in daily life.” Level 2 autism is described as “requiring substantial support,” meaning it likely takes quite a toll on these parents.
“He is hoping to have a ‘normal’ experience with parenthood,” the mom said of her husband. It’s unclear exactly what normal parenthood is. I would have thought there was no such thing as each parent’s experience is so different. Nevertheless, she continued, “I have told him that the second child could also potentially be autistic, but he still wants to chance it. There is absolutely no way that I am going to have another child … What now?”
It sounds like these parents are dealing with vast differences in opinion.
This situation isn’t as simple as one parent wanting to have another child and the other being against it. From the mom’s perspective, it seems as though she is struggling with having a special needs child, which is completely understandable and valid. Having a child is hard enough, and having one with special needs just adds to the support and care you have to give as a parent.
Caleb Oquendo | Pexels
She’s also concerned about the possibility of a second child also being autistic. The Cleveland Clinic said it is difficult to understand the impact of autism in families. Typically, autism is caused by a combination of genes and environmental factors, so there is a familial component. In fact, if you have one child who is diagnosed with autism, the next child has a 20% higher chance of being on the spectrum.
Then you have her husband, who has a completely different mindset. He wants to have another child so he can experience parenthood as he thinks it’s supposed to be — “normal.” On the surface, this sounds bad, but it’s actually pretty typical.
Licensed clinical psychologist Seth Meyers, PsyD, said, “Parents of [special needs] kids will inevitably resent their child at some point.” He said this is because special needs kids do not learn from their parents and then model their behavior the way other kids do, so parents don’t receive any reinforcement and wonder if their efforts are worthless.
Both of these parents have valid feelings, but they also need to think about the needs of their kids, the firstborn and any that come after.
One parent has beliefs that are rooted more in fear and uncertainty, while the other’s feelings come more from a place of resentment. While the choice to have another child or not is ultimately up to them, they have to take each other’s concerns seriously. But that's the thing about family. Mom and Dad aren't the only members. The needs of the child they have and any subsequent kids need to be seriously considered, too.
As one commenter confessed, "I have 2 kids (8M AuDHD and 4 F NT) and had I known my son was autistic before I had my daughter, I probably wouldn't have had a second child. I love my daughter more than life itself and I don't regret having her and she is my little bestie, but I feel so guilty that her life can be so much harder than it has to be having an older special needs brother. I do everything in my power to make sure she's not shafted in any way, but it's a lot of divide and conquer to make sure everyone's needs are being met and sometimes it doesn't always work out evenly to her detriment. We do the best we can and we've worked out a system that's a little unorthodox to a lot of 'normal' families but yeah, I can honestly say I would not do it this way again had I known then what I know now."
This is something the dad really needs to hear. What he wants to experience might not be what's best for everyone in his family, including the second child he is hoping for.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
