Clinical Psychologist Says These 6 Signs Strongly Suggest You Have A Narcissistic Husband
If your marriage is never about you, it may be time for a change.
Arshad Khan | Unsplash Does your husband never seem to “get” other people’s feelings or motivations? Many readers have written in about their experiences in relationships with narcissists. Many others have written in wondering how to be sure if they are, in fact, intimately involved with a narcissist.
This is written to describe what it’s like to live with a narcissist, day in and day out, so that, for what it’s worth, you can assess whether you’re on the mark or not. (You can reverse the genders if applicable.) Remember, the statistical prevalence of narcissistic personality disorder is around 0.5–6.2, but the number of narcissists seen in therapists’ or divorce lawyers’ offices is a lot higher.
Here are six signs that strongly suggest you have a narcissistic husband, according to a clinical psychologist:
1. You consistently question your reality
The narcissist is never wrong and always has a reason for their behavior. Even if he is abusive, he can make you think that he has bona fide reasons for treating you poorly. This gaslighting may end up making you feel crazy.
2. He thinks he's special
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He feels that he is above reproach and doesn’t have to play by the rules. For example, he may lie that he is sick to get out of an arduous work project, without recognizing that if others did this too, then nobody would be left to do the work. This “specialness" doesn’t just end with him, but extends to any group of which he is a part.
This can be his “perfect, wonderful” family or his “awesome” company. He will also consider you to be perfect, since he would only deserve a perfect mate. This can last either till you disappoint him in some way (e.g., by gaining weight or not being perfect in some way that he values) or until you start criticizing him, in which case he will turn on you quickly and coldly.
3. He doesn’t empathize well
You may be constantly shocked by how little your husband cares about the deeper-level feelings and motivations of others, including you and even your kids. He can feign empathy on the surface (unlike someone with Asperger’s), but you begin to realize that he doesn’t care how others feel.
Sometimes, this lack of perspective-taking and deep caring about others can make narcissists appear younger and less mature than their chronological age. Some are the classic “man-child."
4. He's better with babies and little kids than he is with older kids or teens
Once the children are old enough to question his ideas and even his reality, the narcissist may frequently be consumed with rage and become obsessed with making your children “respect” him by never questioning his words or actions.
This can lead to a lot of conflict, particularly between narcissistic dads and their teenage sons, who are also trying to assert their burgeoning identity as adult males and don’t want to blindly follow their father’s lead. (With teenage sons who continue to idealize their dads, there will be no conflict.)
5. His generosity always comes with strings attached
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He may buy you a gym membership, but only because he wants you to work out. He may buy your daughter a new car, because he likes it when her friends ooh and ahh over how awesome her dad is. If you have always felt kind of uncomfortable when your husband gives gifts to you or others, examine whether this issue is why.
6. He never sacrifices his time or energy for things he doesn’t enjoy doing
In the entire marriage, your husband may not have expended more than a few hours' effort on something that wasn’t his idea or didn’t benefit him in some way. This realization can be a bitter pill to swallow and can lead to an epiphany for wives who decide to divorce, or at least seek counseling.
If you recognize your husband in this post, try to read some more about narcissism in books like Emotional Vampires by Albert J. Bernstein and Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy Behary. Couples counseling can be hard with narcissists, but it can also work.
Don’t forget imago theory; if you are drawn to narcissists, there is a reason why in your past, and you could benefit from exploring this with a therapist. While there is no need to give up hope on your marriage just because your partner shows signs of narcissism, it is also unhealthy to put your head in the sand about it and accept it as unchanging.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice, Best Life Behavioral Health.
