The 3 Psychological Shifts That Make Retirement Feel Like An Exciting New Beginning, Not An Ending
Most people make the mistake of focusing on #3 before #1.
Athena Sandrini | Pexels “Six months into retirement, they fall dead into a plateful of spaghetti.” My best friend, an educator in Alberta, made this comment while discussing retirement some years ago. He painted a stark picture of more than one colleague who had no sense of life direction once teaching was done.
It’s what happens when we focus on what we are leaving instead of where we are going in a life transition like retirement.
It’s the difference between “I can’t wait to be done with that job” and “I can’t wait to get started with my retirement plans!” If you’re thinking only about the first, you may well be facing trouble, albeit perhaps of short duration and involving your favourite meal.
Too often, when we ask someone what they intend to do in retirement, the answer is, “Well, I’ve got a whole bunch of household projects I can finally tend to.” Others tell you they’re just glad they don’t have to get up with the alarm clock. All of these speak of things they’ll do (or not do), but all miss the most critical question: Who do you think you are?
To make retirement feel like an exciting new beginning, not an ending, ask yourself these 3 questions:
1. Who do you want to be in retirement?
I personally struggled with this more so than I thought I would. In my working life, I was a designated professional in two different fields and a small business owner. I spent far less time doing “employed” work than “self-employed” work, whether on a fee or a commission basis.
Then, there were my avocations. I was mayor of a small municipality, a university senator, and, most memorably, a junior high basketball coach. I was also on numerous boards, often on the executive. I was used to being in positions of leadership, mentorship, or professional expertise, and this is very much who I saw myself as being.
After I retired from a government position in property valuation, I decided to try driving motor coach buses. I’d always loved driving, already had all my licensing (I’d driven some school bus when I was coaching), and thought driving throughout eastern Canada would make for a fun pre-retirement gig.
For various reasons, it was not nearly as good a fit as I’d hoped. Not even close. Even though I took real pride in my job as a professional driver, I never transitioned to seeing myself as a bus driver.
The job simply didn’t have the cache that all my previous positions had (the disrespectful way some tour leaders treated me made this abundantly clear), and I could never reconcile what I was doing with what I saw myself as being. One year of driving was more than enough for me, and it was back to the drawing board.
For my teacher friends, retirement has meant finding other pedagogical pursuits. For instance, my friend quoted above works as a substitute teacher and also holds a pedagogical advisory position.
Then there was my former high school basketball coach. After retiring from teaching, he worked as both an educational assistant and a hockey coach.
But when older age eliminated those options, he floundered. He just couldn’t find that reason to get out of bed in the morning and eventually passed away, seemingly healthy, at the far-too-young age of 75. I’ll always wonder whether he would have lived longer if he’d somehow been able to continue being who he felt he was meant to be as he aged.
In my own case, a mix of circumstances and skills eventually enabled me to discern how who I am in retirement would mesh with what I wanted to be doing. I might have saved myself some trouble had I done those in the correct order in the first place.
2. Where do you want to be in retirement?
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Many of us want to age in place because we’ve already found the home of our dreams, whether it be the house, the neighbourhood, or the area, but we’re all too aware of how quickly this can change if health or family situations demand it.
Do you want to live close to where your kids and grandkids are? Do you love the mountains or the ocean? Do you want to be near a major city with all the conveniences and options this entails, or do you want to be as far away from urban life as possible? What about health care services, emergency and otherwise, and how will this change as one ages?
Of course, I must admit I didn’t practice what I preached. My wife and I had long ago planned to live in New Brunswick on Canada’s east coast so she could be closer to family and I could fulfill my dream of living on the ocean. So we bought our house almost 11 years ago with no plan whatsoever of how or when we would actually move here or who we would be once we did.
For us, the where was non-negotiable, assuming that we’d be able to continue being and doing what we were being and doing back in Alberta. Thanks to COVID and some other realizations, that turned out to be a mistaken assumption. We had to adapt.
It all turned out, but it was a rocky road to who we are and what we are doing now. I can’t help but think that, if we’d had a better idea of who we would be once we got here, especially as retired people living off the beaten path, the road might not have been so difficult.
3. What do you want to do in retirement?
This one is easy because it flows naturally from the first two. Unfortunately, many get that backwards and focus on this one first.
In my case, I thought that driving motor coach buses would be interesting, but I didn’t understand how poorly that would fit with who I saw myself as being in retirement. Big mistake.
My late high school basketball coach, for his part, did nothing but fill time while he tried to figure out who else he was supposed to be in his 70s. Which he sadly never did.
Then, there’s my Acadian neighbour, a lobsterman for 54 years. When he finally left that behind about four years ago, he was at an absolute loss about what to do with his free time. In fact, he still doesn’t know. He keeps busy, but he’s a lobsterman who’s not lobstering — he has no idea who else he could possibly be. Toujours un pêcheur.
I was fortunate to discern eventually who I am in retirement and what I was meant to do (you’re reading it right now); not the same for either my coach or my neighbour.
Those who know who they are when they retire know precisely what they want to do with their newfound free time. If you’re a traveller, you’ll travel. If you’re a master woodworker, you’ll do more woodwork. If you’re a boater or a fisher, you’ll just boat or fish more (Note: Don’t buy an older stern-drive — just sayin’).
And, if you’re a reader, you’re really in luck, now that you’ve retired. So much time to tackle that tantalizing stack on your table.
Or you’ll reinvent yourself and start something new, like, say, writing. But only once you decide to be a writer, of course. When it comes to retirement, that’s the hard part.
Jaroslaw (“Jerry”) Iwanus, a.k.a. “The Prairie Maritimer,” is an essayist and author who writes on various topics, including Ukraine and Ukrainians in Canada, life in the “last quarter,” and public policy in his adopted home of New Brunswick, Canada. His work has been published on Medium, in various news publications in New Brunswick, and on his website.
