Therapist Says It's Normal For Married Couples To Realize They 'Hate' Each Other — 'It's Part Of The Deal'
Family therapist Terrence Real insisted that all couples feel this for their partner, but it can be worked through.
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock Even before walking down the aisle, most couples hear how challenging it can be to commit to someone for life. All the different obstacles that arise throughout life suddenly must be navigated with another person, which can feel quite overwhelming. Needless to say, it's not always sunshine, rainbows, and happily ever afters.
In an effort to help married couples come to terms with the tumultuous feelings that can arise between married couples, a renowned family therapist named Terrence Real shared one of his most controversial opinions about married life. During an appearance on the "Tim Ferriss Podcast," Real explained that it's often brushed under the rug, but it's totally common and normal for married couples to sometimes just hate each other.
A therapist said it's normal for married couples to realize they 'hate' each other.
"What is normal marital hatred?" Ferris asked Real, who has been rather vocal about this phenomenon occurring in a married couple's relationship. Real answered that the essential rhythm of all relationships is usually harmony, disharmony, and repair, closeness, disruption, and then a return to closeness.
"That's where the skill comes in," Real said. "How to move from disruption to repair, our culture doesn't teach it. We don't real with reality. The father of couples therapy back in the '50s said, 'The day you turn to the person who's next to you and you say this is a mistake I've had, this is not the person I feel in love with, is the first real day of marriage."
Real insisted that harmony in marriage can hurt sometimes, and feel quite dark. You start to wonder how you ended up in this situation and with this person. It can end up being a disappointment as well. But guess what? Your partner most likely feels the same way.
The therapist pointed out that many couples experience and get through this mutual hatred.
"I talk about normal marital hatred. When you're in that dark phase, you hate your partner. That's okay. It's part of the deal for many of it," Real continued. "I've been going around the world talking about normal marital hatred for 30 years."
It can seem a bit concerning if you have hatred towards your partner. Dislike, maybe, but hatred is such a deep and visceral feeling that even having an ounce of that for your partner can be jarring, or a sign that something is very wrong with your marriage.
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In an interview with The New York Times, Real emphasized that being able to develop a healthier, more intimate relationship with your partner requires "hard work."
"When my automatic reactivity is flooding over me, am I going to act it out, or am I going to take a break, take a walk, splash some water on my face, talk to my little boy inside me, do some meditation, get centered in that part of you that wants to make repair? And, in that moment, we can literally change the legacy," Real told the publication.
The therapist explained how he and his wife moved past their feelings of marital hatred.
He recalled that when he and his wife, Belinda, start to argue or fight, they'll take a break for 20 to 30 minutes, then come back together. He claimed that one will usually ask the other, "Do you want to fight? I don't really want to fight. Can we get out of it? What do you need from me?" Then, they apologize and work toward a resolution.
Maybe in the heat of the moment, you feel hatred for your partner, and they may feel it for you, but that feeling definitely doesn't have to define the relationship. It can act as a signal that an area of the relationship just needs more care and attention.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
