10 Things People In Low-Quality Marriages Do Without Even Realizing, According To Psychology
It's hard to say what came first, these behaviors or the low-quality marriage.
microcosmos / Shutterstock Being in a bad marriage is for the birds. I know from personal experience that it can be draining and leave you looking for the nearest exit. Or even worse, you could choose to hang in there no matter what. Without work, the dysfunction will continue, and it will lead to two people who can't really stand each other hanging on for dear life.
While the most successful marriages are rooted in shared goals, morals, values, mutual respect, loyalty, and great communication, there are certain things people in low-quality marriages do without even realizing it. Until these behaviors are recognized and corrected, your matrimony will continue to bring you pain and despair instead of joy and light.
Here are 10 things people in low-quality marriages do without even realizing, according to psychology
1. They communicate poorly
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Poor communication can ruin a marriage. When spouses cannot communicate effectively, it leads to misunderstandings, resentment, and emotional distance. That lack of communication can erode the foundation of the relationship.
Couples need to have effective ways of communicating with each other if they both want to feel seen and heard. Avoiding meaningful conversations doesn't solve problems. It brushes them under the rug where they fester and grow until they are too big to hide.
Yelling, interrupting, or using a dismissive tone can make your husband or wife shut down to avoid your wrath. Using sarcasm, criticism, or contempt regularly gives the impression that you don't value their thoughts and opinions and closes the lines of communication.
2. They emotionally withdraw
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People who are not emotionally available have a slim chance of being successful at marriage. To intertwine your life with someone on a permanent basis, you need to be vulnerable and emotionally intelligent, able to understand your emotions and theirs.
Shutting down or becoming emotionally unavailable will not do anything to bring you closer. It will widen any disconnects in the marriage, leaving room for more problems to pop up. Spending more time alone or with others to avoid your partner or refusing to engage in conflict resolution will guarantee that your marriage remains in the low-quality state it's already in.
3. They exhibit passive-aggressive behavior
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The most successful marriages are comprised of two people who are comfortable expressing themselves and listening to difficult feedback. They don't walk on eggshells or become passive-aggressive to cope with negative feelings.
Giving your partner the silent treatment or making snide comments instead of expressing your feelings directly is not good communication. It only serves to create more disdain and dismissal in the connection. If you are a person who engages in sabotaging plans or responsibilities out of resentment, you are doing your marriage a huge disservice.
4. They have conflict, but no resolution
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Some tension in a relationship can be good. It strengthens negotiation skills between you and your partner and allows you the opportunity to consider your perspective and that of your husband or wife. But conflict is only okay when there is resolution. Engaging in never-ending arguments is exhausting and makes both parties hesitant to communicate in the future.
Repeating the same arguments without ever resolving the root issues does so much more harm than good. Hurtful things are said without context, keeping score of past wrongs becomes the norm, and constantly bringing up old grievances gets old. The inability to own your role in the conflict and blaming your partner instead means you need to learn conflict resolution to improve your marriage.
5. They stop being intimate
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Conflict, bad communication, and emotional withdrawal can be the catalysts that lead to a lack of intimacy in your marriage. A spouse who can't talk to you, is emotionally unavailable, and frequently throws jabs does not exactly inspire you to get intimate with them. But according to psychologists, intimacy is the most important part of your relationship.
In a healthy relationship, intimacy fosters a deeper emotional connection, enhances desire, and contributes to overall relationship satisfaction and well-being. Avoiding physical touch and affection creates a divide between two people that is hard to overcome. Not sharing vulnerable thoughts or feelings makes your spouse feel left out in the cold, and treating the relationship as a business arrangement rather than an emotional bond is a recipe for disaster.
6. They are disrespectful and critical
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In low-quality marriages, it seems that each partner can do nothing right in the other's eyes. They are critical of one another regularly and have lost all respect, so nothing they want to say is off limits. Their lack of trust causes them to second-guess every decision and openly express their disgust, which can be off-putting and make an already crumbling marriage even worse.
Mocking, belittling, or insulting the partner is par for the course in low-quality marriages. Constantly undermining their decisions or opinions, especially in public, is a default response that only leads to more turmoil and upheaval. When someone no longer respects their spouse, they will fail to show appreciation or recognition.
7. They have physical or emotional affairs
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People who are unhappy or see the relationship as dysfunctional may start to seek outside connections to make them feel good. And the infidelity may not always be physical. Many affairs are emotional, with a husband or wife opening up to their affair partner in ways they never have with their spouse.
Ideally, when marital problems arise, both people should work together to solve them. That could be seeking counseling or leaning on an experienced married couple for guidance. But seeking connection or validation outside the marriage, hiding your messages or social media activity, having relationships on the side, flirting, or developing inappropriate emotional bonds never ends well.
8. They're controlling and manipulative
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A wife or husband who believes that they should control every aspect of their spouse's life is actively creating a low-quality marriage. They dominate decision-making, dismiss their partner's ideas and opinions, monitor or restrict their behavior, and use guilt-tripping and fear to keep them under control.
High-quality marriages are built on trust and autonomy. Both spouses get to maintain their individuality, and each sees the other's unique strengths as a benefit to the relationship. There is equal give and take and respect for one another's thoughts. Each can lead and follow at different times, dependent on the circumstances, but no one feels superior to their mate.
9. They neglect the relationship
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People in low-quality marriages make no effort to grow the partnership. They know that they need to attend couples counseling, but refuse to. They can't be bothered to sit and work through important issues because they either don't have the desire to improve things or see it as too much work.
So, they prioritize work, their personal hobbies, and their friends, putting their marriage and spouse on the back burner indefinitely. Instead of pulling their partner in and sharing their life with them, they choose to live separate lives while living under the same roof. That detachment is the open door that many need to start affairs outside of the marriage.
10. They tolerate toxic dynamics
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Those who have been in low-quality marriages have very low expectations. They are used to not communicating, being shut out, constant criticism, frequent affairs, and living with their supposed person like two ships passing in the night. The standard has been set, and they have fully embraced it.
Tolerating toxic dynamics is an indicator that your connection has devolved into the sunken place, and someone might need to get out. You are trapped in a loop of dysfunction where all of your boundaries have fallen by the wayside. You have given up on the dream life that you imagined when you walked down the aisle and resigned yourself to accepting gaslighting, abuse, and neglect.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that delivers informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
