Husband Calls New Wife ‘Cruel’ For Expecting Him To Tell His 'Fragile' Ex He Remarried
Why are you keeping secrets from someone you're no longer with?
simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock Staying friends with an ex may not be as uncommon as it once was, but it's also rife with potential pitfalls, especially where boundaries are concerned. For one wife, her husband's friendship with his ex has gone past too open to actually being secretive, and it's left her feeling deeply nervous.
A wife said her husband refuses to tell his 'fragile' ex that he's now remarried.
Red flag alert! The wife wrote into Slate's "Dear Prudence" advice column for help with the deeply weird situation she's in with her husband, whom she's newly married to after being together for two years. "I don’t think his ex-wife even knows I exist," she wrote, which is eyebrow-raising in and of itself.
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She went on to write that her husband and his ex text practically every day. It's nothing untoward, often pertaining to repairs or problems with the house they used to own together. Nevertheless, she's understandably not a fan of this arrangement! "When I told him that I was uncomfortable with the volume of texts, he claimed that she was just lonely and fragile and had no one else in the world to talk to," she wrote.
The husband feels 'obligated' to stay in touch and thinks it's 'cruel' to tell her he's now married.
"When I asked him why he felt the need to constantly interact with her, he said they were just friends and that he felt obligated to help her through this hard time because he left her, and he felt guilty about abandoning her," she went on to say.
She's willing to be understanding about that, but only to a point, and suggested he start cutting ties so she could begin moving on. But then the situation took a major turn. "I asked him if she knew that he’d moved on and was dating me, and he said no, she didn’t know," she wrote. His reason? "It would hurt her too much."
That's a pretty bold thing to say to your wife, whom you've just confessed you've kept secret from your ex! "I told him that it hurt me that he wouldn’t tell her about me, and he said I was being cruel," she went on to say. "Am I being overly sensitive?" she asked Dear Prudence. "Is this normal?"
There is nothing normal about his relationship with his ex, and the way he's managing this is totally inappropriate.
Tough love time: It is absolutely nobody's problem that his ex is "fragile," but her own. But what's far more important is that he is literally putting his ex's needs ahead of his own wife's. That's a violation of the agreement between partners, period.
It's also not relevant that there's nothing more than friendship between them because his ex doesn't even know that's the case. As far as she knows, he's still single and available, and any thoughts she might have about attempting to rekindle with him are fair game. That, too, is wildly inappropriate of her husband, and it's frankly cruel — to BOTH women.
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Jenée Desmond-Harris, one of Slate's "Dear Prudence" advice givers, went so far as to say it would have been justification for calling off the wedding. "Your husband texting his ex nonstop and continuing to behave as if he’s responsible for her emotional well-being would have been a very fair thing to consider a dealbreaker," she wrote.
That's neither here nor there at this point, of course, because they are married. But still, this is the kind of situation that basically calls for an ultimatum. Her husband needs to come clean, set up boundaries with his ex, and prioritize his wife's needs, because she's deeply hurt by this situation.
If he's not willing to do that, well… then they're in big trouble. His ex's emotional well-being is not his responsibility, and it's inappropriate of him to take it on period, let alone doing so alongside secrecy AND after his wife made clear she's not okay with it. It seems like they may still be in dealbreaker territory, which just underlines the importance of discussing issues like this BEFORE walking down the aisle.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
