People Who Are Mentally & Emotionally Controlling Usually Say 9 Phrases In Casual Conversation
mariuush | Unsplash It's never easy dealing with a controlling person, especially when it's someone you love. They rarely have your best interests at heart and often use manipulation and deception to keep others in line and on a pedestal that matches their expectations, which are often wildly unrealistic.
Not all controlling people raise their voices or use direct commands to get what they want from others. Research has shown that subtle manipulation can be far more effective at eliciting guilt and compliance. To prevent them from getting the best of you, watch out for a few sneaky phrases.
People who are mentally and emotionally controlling usually say these phrases in casual conversation:
1. 'Don't take it personally'
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At first glance, someone telling another person not to take something personally may seem harmless or even considerate. But in actuality, it's a way to completely dismiss someone else's feelings and control their perception of the situation.
They're wholeheartedly trying to deflect taking responsibility and actively shutting down a discussion to work through conflict because they don't see themselves as the problem.
It's also a form of gaslighting, and if something has truly hurt your feelings or made you feel a type of way, you're more than entitled to find an issue with it, despite how someone else is trying to make you feel.
Not to make light of the situation, but it reminds me of Meg Ryan's line in You've Got Mail when she finds out her store will be shut down due to a big box store moving in around the corner.
Her rival tells her it's not personal and she replies, "What is that supposed to mean? I am so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn't personal to you.... Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal."
2. 'If you really cared, you would...'
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This is a gross one. It's probably the one on this list that bothers me most.
This is an obvious manipulation tactic when phrased like it is abve, but there are even sneakier ways to say it, like, "I thought you felt the same way about me as I do about you" or "Oh, I guess I thought we trusted each other more than you feel we do."
This is designed to paint them as the victim and you as uncaring. This targets people who are incredibly caring, which is why it's so painful. It can sometimes make it hard for someone to put their foot down without feeling as if they're the bad person in the situation.
Dr. Michele Leno, licensed psychologist and talk show host, explained that guilt-tripping is a form of manipulation or playing "the blame game." Once someone succumbs to guilt-tripping, they become an "emotional hostage," as Dr. Leno puts it.
"A person may guilt-trip to emotionally blackmail, avoid change, get their needs met, and make one feel inferior," she explained. "Guilt-trippers have a hard time accepting responsibility for their behavior. It's generally a selfish act that one implements, subconsciously or with total awareness, to gain compliance."
3. 'You're too sensitive'
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There's nothing wrong with being a sensitive and emotional person, but a controlling individual might try to use that against you to dismiss your feelings and invalidate the fact that you might've been hurt by something they've said. Rather than taking accountability and apologizing for hurting your feelings, these individuals will try to shift the blame and make it your fault for taking things to heart.
Being sensitive is actually a superpower. In studies involving both humans and monkeys, the subjects who are sensitive (based on having gene variants associated with sensitivity) tend to outperform others on a variety of cognitive tasks, particularly those that require noticing patterns and using them to predict outcomes and make smart decisions.
So, the next time someone tries to make you feel inadequate and less than for being sensitive, just remember that it's a reflection of what they think of themselves. You can reply, "I actually feel like I'm the right amount of sensitive, thank you!" and then walk right away.
4. 'I was just joking!'
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This phrase used by a controlling individual is often used as a cover-up to avoid taking responsibility and accountability for a cruel "joke," aggressive comment, or insult that they hurled at someone else. It's used as a way to try and make the other person feel as if they're overreacting and invalid in their feelings, but the truth of the matter is, that just because something was said as a joke doesn't mean that it was taken that way.
Dr. Karina Schumann, an associate professor of psychology and chair of the social psychology program at the University of Pittsburgh, explained that apologies after hurting someone's feelings are incredibly important.
"Some apologies are lacking quite a bit. But if they're given from the heart and if they're really genuine and sincere in the way they're offered and in their intention, even if the words aren't perfect, they can go a really long way to showing the person that you care about them, and that you want to make amends and repair the relationship to what it was before the harm was done," she stated.
5. 'Everyone agrees with me'
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A controlling individual might use this phrase at another person as a way to get them to conform by pointing out that everyone else in the room may agree with them on a certain topic or discussion, even if that's not really the case. It's a strange grade-school level manipulation, but that doesn't mean we won't fall for it.
They are attempting to manipulate someone else into feeling insecure about their opinion by creating this false sense of peer pressure to get them to agree because controlling individuals refuse to be disagreed with. In reality, if your point is strong and you are confident, you don't need to make the other person feel like a loner or a loser to make it.
6. 'That's just the way things are'
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A controlling person may use this phrase as a way to excuse their behavior or circumstances with another person instead of encouraging an open conversation. Rather than owning up to a problem or explaining why something is the way it is, these individuals will instead dismiss someone else's concern because they would rather than that control than break down their actions.
Excusing bad behavior with "that's the way it is" or "that's the way it's always been" is emotionally dishonest and anti-intellectual. They know that just because something has historically done a certain way dosn't mean that's how it has to be. They just want a way to absolve themselves from their own mistakes or bad choices.
Dr. Sharon Martin explained that accepting responsibility and accountability for our actions is a great way to show that we have a mature understanding of our emotions, stating, "Owning your mistakes is also important relationally. When we repair the damage or harm we’ve caused, we build stronger, healthier relationships. In comparison, denying responsibility deteriorates trust and goodwill."
7. 'You're lucky I put up with you'
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This is just gross. Truly. If you're a healthy person, you don't want to make someone feel like they're less-than. You also would rather break up with someone or stop being their friend if you really thought so poorly of them.
But a controlling person thrives on being able to exert their dominance over others, and by using this phrase, they're able to force another person to question their self-worth by making them feel unworthy and burdensome. The truth of the matter is that the controlling individual in the situation is the one who lacks an understanding of boundaries and clearly has no respect for you if they're tossing this phrase in your face.
By making it seem as if they're doing you a favor by putting up with you, they're holding power over you to continue mistreating and invalidating how you feel. You shouldn't have to put up with someone in your life constantly making you feel as if you owe them for being around.
8. 'I'm not trying to be mean, but...'
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While this phrase may come across as someone attempting to be considerate of another person's feelings, it's actually a way for a controlling individual to frame themselves as caring when, in reality, they have zero compassion or empathy for hurting someone else's feelings.
Most of the time, when someone starts off a sentence like this, they're gearing up to deliver a harsh line of criticism that's probably totally unnecessary.
If someone truly didn't want to bring something up because of how it would make someone else feel, then they wouldn't acknowledge it before immediately diving in. Either that or they'd frame it kindly, like, "This is probably going to be uncomfortable to hear, and I'm so sorry about that, but it's important for me to tell you this."
Difficult conversations should be handled with respect for how the other person may react, not used as a tool to make someone feel bad just as a way to avoid accountability and self-reflection.
9. 'I just want what's best for you'
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Yes, sometimes a non-controlling person will say this and genuinely mean it. Maybe they're intervening when their partner or another loved one is making unhealthy or dangerous choices, or when someone else seems to be an unhealthy friend or partner.
But an emotionally or mentally controlling person says it so they can continue exhibiting power and authority over the decisions that you're making. If someone truly did care about having your best intentions at heart, they would be encouraging, compassionate, and empathetic, instead of being manipulative and only using this phrase when it benefited them.
When you know how to spot a controlling person, you recognize that they're full of it when they claim to want what's best for you. Someone who really does want that will hear you out, consider your side and support you even when you make a choice they disagree with (unless you're doing something dangerous or that harms others, of course!).
