5 Ways For Guys To Heal From Heartbreak During A Breakup
A few words of wisdom for guys struggling with a broken heart.
getty Guys going through a breakup often have no idea how to get over heartbreak and come out the other side intact.
Dealing with heartbreak, for men, can often be a difficult and trying situation. They may struggle to know what they need, how to express their feelings, or even if they can talk to someone about their pain.
I remember my daughter when she was 16, telling me about her friend who had her heart broken. I asked her what she told her friend to do.
My daughter, who'd never had a broken heart herself, said, “Go eat ice cream.”
The same thing happened to my son. When I asked what he said, I got a shrug. That’s it.
Women, by nature, are emotional and tend to process breakups in a way where they can get past them and move on.
Men, unfortunately, don’t always naturally possess the skills, nor have they been taught how to process, their emotions. As a result, they can get stalled out and stay damaged after a relationship ends.
Fortunately, there are things that guys going through a break up can do now to get through this pain and get on with their lives.
Here are 5 ways for guys to heal from heartbreak after a breakup.
1. Feel the pain.
I can’t tell you how many songs I've heard over the years about men going through a breakup. How they do so with whiskey and women, the ultimate self-medication tools.
“The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else,” is the prevailing wisdom I hear from many of my male friends.
While getting with someone else will make you feel better in the moment, it’s just a temporary fix. Women and whiskey will definitely make you feel awesome in the short term, but the morning after will be harsh.
Not only will you not feel better about your place in the world, you'll most likely feel worse than you did before!
It's important that if you're going through a breakup and really struggling, you let yourself feel the pain. Yes, pain is uncomfortable and even scary, but it's important that you let it in, feel it, and let it go.
If you stuff it down, it'll just get stuck in your body, and you'll spend the rest of your life drinking whiskey and chasing women who aren’t good for you, always angry at the one who let you go.
I know that the prospect seems scary but, feeling the pain of a broken heart, while horrible, is no worse than the pain of a damaged limb. With treatment, you'll get past it.
How many times have you hurt your body over the years? Every time, you've healed. This will heal, too.
So, for guys going through a breakup, know that though pain might be uncomfortable, if you feel instead of bury it, it will pass.
2. Be decisive.
So, you've just broken up with your ex, or they've broken up with you. How are you feeling? Alone? Scared for the future? Bored?
If you're feeling any of those things, do not reach out to your ex. Period.
What often happens after a breakup is that one or both of the partners start to feel lonely. They have been in a relationship and enjoyed having someone to play with, and the breakup creates a void.
You're left with more time on your hands and get bored. Or, if we go long enough without, you might want physical intimacy and seek out a willing, and vetted, partner.
When you follow your instinct on any of those things and reach out to your ex, unless you truly want to reunite with them, you'll just create more of a mess than already exists.
Instead of the clean break that you had, you'll get on a cycle of more talks and recrimination and pain.
So, if you're tempted to reach out for any reason other than a true reconciliation, don’t. It will only bring up all the pain again and prevent you from moving on.
3. Take responsibility.
If you're in pain, it's normal to blame someone else. Especially if you know you're wrong.
Human beings have a hard time taking a good, hard look at themselves and truly accepting responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship.
You don't need to take all the responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship, but do take stock and see where you might have contributed to what happened.
Did you perhaps put her second some of the time? Were you short-tempered when she interrupted a game?
Did you consistently ignore what she asked you to do? What were you not so good at that might have led to the end?
It's important to take stock of your role in a breakup, so you can learn from it. Instead of bringing unhealthy behaviors into a new relationship, make an effort to identify yours and set out to change.
If you don’t, you'll be destined to repeat the same mistakes and ultimately end up alone and unhappy.
4. Open up.
This might be the hardest thing for guys going through a breakup to do: Find someone to talk to, and be open and honest with them.
Men have, through the ages, have been taught to keep their feelings inside; that sharing their emotions makes them seem weak. As a result, men have a tendency to bottle up their emotions, never to see the light of day and fester and rot.
When you're struggling with a breakup, it’s important to find one person who can help you process what you're going through, one person who can listen to you, share perspectives, and help you see what went wrong, and perhaps what you can do differently in the future.
If you have a friend who can play that role, use them. If not, find a life coach who can help you process what you're feeling.
5. Take your time.
Jumping from one relationship to another is a recipe for disaster. And if you start to have sex with random women, it could get even worse.
If you hop into another relationship without processing and getting over your past relationship, you'll simply bring all of your issues with you into your new one, dooming it for failure.
Not only will you cause more pain for yourself, but you'll also cause pain to another person.
If you decide to hop into bed with lots of random people, you'll only use those women as a bandage for your broken heart. In reality, you'll emerge from those trysts feeling empty and worse about yourself.
And, once again, you'll cause other people pain.
As much as the instinct is there to either sleep with someone or get into another relationship, pause and do some of the things listed above. I know you're feeling sad, lonely, and eager to pair-up again. But if you do it too quickly, you'll be doomed to repeat the same mistakes and ultimately be alone.
Guys going through a breakup sometimes resemble a deer in the headlights — knowing they're in danger, but having no idea how to get through it.
Men have it in them to get through a broken heart and thrive, but that many of them struggle with how to actually do it.
I know you feel horrible right now, but with some patience and a little bit of work, not only will the pain go away, but you'll be in the right place to move forward and find the happiness you've always longed for!
You can do it!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based certified life and love coach. Let her help you find — and keep — love in this crazy world in which we live. Email her and get started!