12 Ways True Self-Care Looks Really Different From What People Expect
PeopleImages from Getty Images Signature | Canva Pro True self-care isn’t all face masks, bubble baths, incense, and glitter. The truth is, self-care is a spectrum and can range from the unenjoyable to the pleasurable. Self-care isn’t always polished. It can seem ugly sometimes. It’s self-love, and loving yourself isn’t always going to look gorgeous.
We want the benefits of this care without doing the groundwork, and unfortunately, there is no real care without the groundwork. This forces you to dig deep into yourself in order to understand what that care actually is and what it looks like.
But what does it mean to do the groundwork? And what is it supposed to feel like? We all have our own ideas and beliefs, and these tie into what we associate with self-care. The groundwork includes spending time with yourself, meditating, or praying.
It consists of reading and stimulating your mind to help you tune your brain and consciousness to the right frequency. This groundwork includes detoxing from all those things that cause negativity. It consists of doing things that you are passionate about or get your heart going, and are often very different from what people expect.
Here are 12 ways true self-care looks different from what people expect:
1. True self-care can be a hard conversation with yourself
It’s releasing yourself of old habits and rituals that no longer contribute to your physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual health positively. Maybe it's finally admitting that the coping mechanism you've been clinging to stopped working a long time ago.
Or that the version of yourself you keep performing for other people isn't the one who actually needs your attention. The hard conversation is usually about what you need to stop pretending is fine.
Clinical social worker Lyssa deHart agrees, stating, "It's typically not our job to police other people's behaviors; it's our job to police our own." That's the part of self-care nobody puts on a Pinterest board, the part where you stop scanning everyone else's behavior and finally turn that honest energy inward.
2. It's also about giving yourself permission to forgive yourself
Allowing yourself to forgive yourself, to love yourself, and to let go of any fear or resentment while being open to all life experiences. One study found a strong positive link between self-forgiveness and mental health.
A separate study of over 5,600 participants found it was connected with better physical health, too. Turns out forgiving yourself is one of the most research-backed things you can do for your whole body and peace of mind.
3. It can look like sitting uncomfortably with your weaknesses
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It’s accepting that your weaknesses, along with your strengths, make you who you are. We spend so much energy hiding the parts of ourselves we think are too much or not enough, and that hiding is exhausting.
Real care means looking at the full picture of who you are and deciding that all of it deserves space. You don't have to love your weaknesses; you just have to stop running from them.
4. True self-care sometimes looks like letting go
Let go of the people who no longer align with your core values and are detrimental to your growth. Clinical psychologists have found that toxic relationships can actually produce symptoms similar to PTSD.
Over time, they change how you see yourself and the world around you. Walking away is choosing not to give up on yourself.
5. Sometimes it just looks like being alone for a bit
It’s intentionally setting aside time to spend by yourself so that you and your thoughts can get to know yourself better. Its actually being present with your own mind without distracting it.
In a culture that treats constant connection as a sign of a life well-lived, choosing to be alone on purpose can feel almost rebellious. But some of the most important realizations you'll ever have show up when nobody else is in the room.
6. Self-care also looks like pure sweat
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The gym is a place to train your mind to break past any mental constraints that it may be holding onto. The real mental payoff of exercise, according to research, comes through building grit and resilience.
Every time you push through something your brain told you to quit, you're rewiring how you respond to hard things outside the gym, too. The benefit was always a stronger belief in yourself.
7. It can even just be as simple as saying no
Listen to your body and know when to stay in or go out without feeling guilty about it. Not every invitation is an obligation, and not every "no" needs an hour-long explanation.
Sometimes protecting your energy is the most generous thing you can do. Not only for yourself, but for the people who actually get the best version of you when you're not running on empty.
8. True self-care is also just allowing yourself to sit still
Embrace things like meditation so that you can have awareness of self and the different emotions and thoughts that plague your mind. It’s fighting any stigmas you may have held onto about seeking help for your mental health and seeking the help you need through therapy.
A study in the American Journal of Public Health found that more than 70% of people with mental illness worldwide receive no treatment, and stigma is one of the biggest reasons why. Sitting still long enough to vulnerably admit you need support is what finally opens the door.
9. Actual self-care is asking for help
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It’s also about being honest and authentic with your feelings and emotions. It’s realizing that you have control of how you react and respond to them.
We've been conditioned to believe that needing someone means we've failed, but the opposite is true. Asking for help takes more self-awareness than pretending you'll ever have all the answers.
10. It sometimes shows up as finding meaning in pain
Every loss is a lesson from which we can build more wins. Every denial is a lesson in growth and self-worth. Post-traumatic growth involves the positive mental changes that come from struggling with deeply challenging circumstances.
Researchers estimate that half to two-thirds of trauma survivors experience it. The growth comes from refusing to let it be the final word.
11. True self-care can look like crying
It's allowing yourself to give your heart a break when it’s tired, and to detach yourself from the things you’re emotionally invested in. We spend so much energy holding everything together that we forget our bodies were designed to release what they can't carry anymore.
Crying is your system doing exactly what it's supposed to do when the weight gets too heavy to hold quietly. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is stop holding it all together and just let yourself fall apart for a minute. As psychologist Dr. Alicia H. Clark writes, "Crying helps mobilize intense feelings, provides their cathartic release, and is one of our most efficient balancing tools."
12. Caring for yourself is also unlearning old programming
It deconstructs the notions of who the world wants you to be and lets you grow into who you really are. Self-care comes in many forms and looks different for all of us.
Psychologist Nick Wignall explains that we need to "unlearn your old programming that being tough and harsh is the only way to be with yourself and learn a different approach." Sometimes the deepest act of self-care is peeling back years of conditioning about who the world said you should be and permitting yourself to grow into who you actually are.
Most importantly, it is taking the time to heal. When doing the groundwork, don’t worry or get down on yourself, as we’re all just doing our best.
Jeremy Divinity is a blogger, digital Marketer, and NYU alum who focuses on topics like relationships, self-care, and self-love.
