If A Lack Of Confidence Is Weighing You Down, Say Goodbye To These 5 Behaviors
Drop these behaviors and watch your self-assurance grow.
Angel Sanchez | Canva Sometimes in life, we focus so hard on getting things done for other people that we forget to spend time taking care of ourselves. We’ve got goals to meet at work, time that we have to spend on the kids and their activities, attention for our spouses, and that doesn’t even begin to cover trying to find time for your friends, errands that you need to run, and groceries you need to pick up.
So how do we focus on giving ourselves the personal care that we need when everything else is screaming for our attention? And what exactly happens to you when there isn’t anything left for you to give up, and you just feel worn out?
Life is hectic, and forgetting to take care of yourself can be a slippery slope. It can seem right to devote our time to other matters instead of things that we want or need. We talked to several relationship experts to find out from them just how we can prioritize building our confidence and getting our needs met, while not giving up on the things that others depend on us for as well.
If a lack of confidence is weighing you down, say goodbye to these 5 behaviors:
1. Downplaying your own needs
"Don't defend your need for self-care. Consider others' needs as well as your own. Then, when you state what you need, be careful not to assume others are going to react negatively."
If you need something, don’t just assume that someone isn’t going to let you have it or tell you that it’s wrong for you to want it.
If you’ve had a trying day and would love to relax with a hot bath, don’t assume that mentioning this to your husband will result in him getting angry at having to take on responsibility for the kids that evening. The people that you love also love you and likewise want you to have what you need to feel better or healthier.
Assuming that their response will be negative might be an excuse for why you don’t speak up—because you fear reprisal. But oftentimes, this isn’t the case, and if you did say what you needed, those around you would likely try to help you achieve it, rather than shoot it down. Try telling someone what you need a little more often, and you’ll see that they’re often willing to be understanding!
— Marie Zimenoff, leadership, career, and personal branding coach
2. Setting your personal bar too high
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“Create a Won’t List. We’ve all heard of a to-do list, but a Won’t List is your new best friend. Simply put the things on it that you do not ever intend to do that are causing you guilt, so that you can free up your headspace to enjoy the things that you will do. The Won’t List can contain everything from cleaning under your bed to making handmade holiday gifts from Pinterest to hosting a dinner party, and more.
We spend a lot of time agonizing over and thinking about things that we never really intend to do. The Won’t list will help you to stop feeling guilty about it while freeing up your headspace to spend time on the things you really will do.”
Sometimes, the best thing for our mental and physical health is just not to do something. Our best intentions can end up cluttering up our headspace and making us fret when there’s no need to.
Yes, you promised to bring baked goods for your kids’ school potluck — but does that mean you’ve got to do the super complicated recipe you discovered online, or can you just add it to your Won't List and bring some easier-to-make chocolate chip cookies instead?
If you’re stressing about something because you set your bar too high, then reprioritize what needs to be on your list and make your goals more realistic. Sometimes just saying “no” to a complicated project will help you feel less stressed over a situation and ease your anxiety in general.
—Gretchen Hydo, professional life and relationship coach and nationally syndicated advice columnist
Successfully making changes, even small ones, builds a belief in your ability to accomplish tasks and navigate life's challenges. According to a 2024 study, individuals with low self-esteem may resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance abuse, emotional eating, or social withdrawal to deal with difficult emotions.
3. Letting yourself go
“Show up for yourself with deliberate intentionality by making daily accountable self-care commitments. In today’s technology-driven world, where our minds are overstimulated with multi-tasking and constant distractions, the first thing you should do is schedule (actually put it on your calendar) 1-2 hours of priority self-care every day (yes, that’s right, daily).
This could be to meditate, read, exercise, or nap — think of it as a daily recharge to rejuvenate your mind, body, and/or spirit. The second suggestion is the “better before bed” exercise — inevitably, something in your day may not go your way.
A simple method to turning that moment into self-care is to declare a betterment statement for the next day before bed: ‘Today, X happened that was challenging, but tomorrow, I am going to do Y to make it a better day.’”
You won’t always have the option to fill your needs meter to the top, so it’s important to recognize little things that you can do in a given day to make your life a little easier and to make you feel a little better.
Self-care should be an important step in your daily life, so even if you have to spread it out over the day (journaling in the morning before work, meditating for a few minutes during lunch, reading instead of going on Facebook before bed), make an effort to show up for yourself and treat your body and mind with the same respect that you give to other people.
—Desiree Maya, change management consultant and life/business coach
When you consistently engage in activities that promote your well-being, you cultivate a sense of self-acceptance and build a foundation of self-compassion. A 2020 study found that this can lead to increased self-esteem and confidence.
4. Skipping the basics (sleep, food, rest)
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"Self-care is not an all-day/everyday possibility. Choose appropriate moments to prioritize your needs. Ex. Schedule a manicure AFTER the big meeting with your boss, NOT during!"
Even the simplest events can feel overwhelming at times, like we’re doing something wrong or we’re feeling distracted by stress and trying to focus on the task at hand. But that doesn’t mean that just because you’re stressed at the moment, it’s a good idea to drop what you’re doing and try to pencil in some self-care.
Re-focus your efforts on the task in front of you and then slip some time in later on to give yourself some “me time.” Otherwise, you might end up stressing yourself out more because now you’re not doing something else important.
Desperately need a nap? It’s probably best to slip away for fifteen minutes during your lunch break instead of falling asleep at your desk while you’re working on that big project…
—Chamin Ajjan, intimacy therapist and author
Neglecting self-care can send a subconscious message that you are not worthy of care and attention, exacerbating feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt. Research has concluded that by consciously prioritizing self-care, you are actively demonstrating to yourself that your well-being matters, fostering a positive feedback loop that builds self-worth and confidence.
5. Expecting perfection
"To get to your desired self-care goal, you may want to explore what results you want and by when. Put this date in your calendar. Create small, easy-to-do daily tasks that will bring you closer to the results you desire.
Find a person whom you will be accountable to; this will make sure you complete your tasks and achieve your goal. When you take on your daily tasks, no matter if you fail or succeed, you inevitably show up for yourself.”
Sometimes, self-care can feel like just another in a HUGE list of things you need to do. And where do you start? With eating healthy and exercising, or with meditation and quiet walks alone? What about doing a fun craft or hobby that makes you happy?
When you look at it like this, it's hard to imagine how all your self-care is going to get done. That's why choosing one at a time, and taking the rest off the list, can be key to actually showing up for yourself.
—David Sampson, personal trainer, nutrition coach, and entrepreneur
Merethe Najjar is a professional writer, editor, and award-winning fiction author. Her articles have been featured in The Aviator Magazine, Infinite Press, Yahoo, BRIDES, and more.
