If You Heard These 5 Phrases All The Time From Your Partner, You May Still Doubt Your Worth Today
T A | Canva If you heard certain dismissive or emotionally undermining phrases from a partner over and over, it may still be affecting how you see yourself today.
A 2021 study that followed over 1,000 couples for five years found that when people perceived their partners as being critical of them, their self-esteem dropped over time. The study showed that this effect worked both ways, meaning that criticism from your partner genuinely damages how you see yourself, and those wounds can stick around long after the words were said.
If you heard these five phrases all the time from your partner, you may still doubt your worth today:
1. 'That dress makes you look a little chubby'
Far and beyond, one of the things that appeared in a lot of the responses was that women felt sensitive and hurt (understandably) when their partners made judgmental comments about their bodies.
“I almost hate to say it because it sounds like such a typical North American woman thing to say, but I really do hate when he even hints at me being overweight. I know I’ve put on some pounds these past few years, and I don’t like it, and I’m sensitive about it. So when he mentions that he notices it, it just boils my blood.” — Chelsey, 51
“My last boyfriend and I were heading out to a party one night when he told me that he wanted me to change my dress because it was ‘really obvious that I was getting a tummy and people might ask us if we were pregnant.’ I get that he told me this because of his own buried insecurities, but it ticked me off for so long. I broke up with him a couple of weeks later, but I was mad at him, and myself, for at least half a year about that.” — Nicole, 36
Their body is their body. Either love them as they are or let them find another partner who will. Criticizing their physical appearance will get you nowhere.
2. 'You need to shower'
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I assumed that there would be a few of these comments being made, but I was surprised by the percentage of responses that mentioned this one.
“Pretty much the only thing that I’ve ever dumped a guy for right away (in my long and sordid dating history) was when this one dolt told me that I smelled bad. It was so disappointing because he had zero red flags against him in our first handful of dates. We got hot and heavy one night (around our fifth date, if my memory serves me) and he dropped that bomb.” — Lanie, 42
On a biological level, enjoying someone’s scent is important. It essentially says, “You have complementary immune systems. You would make healthy babies. Mate with this one!” So if you really find yourself repelled by your new partner’s smell and/or taste, then there might be some genuine validity to your concern, especially if you want children one day.
3. 'Why do you have to be so emotional about everything?'
This point was mentioned time and time again, with somewhat varying language behind it. Replace "too emotional" with "you’re being crazy," "you’re being overly dramatic," and "you cry too easily." And this was one of the most recurring points by far across all of the responses.
“I feel like my emotional bandwidth has to be kept under wraps sometimes with my husband. Which sucks! Because he was so game for anything when he was first courting me. But I feel like the longer we’ve been together, the more he tries to limit the ups and downs of my emotional expression. It’s the only thing in our relationship that keeps me from feeling fully able to surrender to him.” — Josephine, 47
“Easy. It’s whenever my boyfriend tells me I’m being crazy or irrational. I know that I can be a bit dramatic at times, but I really feel like he uses it too liberally. Like it’s supposed to be this all-purpose fight-ender, and it usually has the opposite effect on me. I just get more worked up because I feel like he isn’t taking me seriously.” — Marjori, 32
4. 'Well, they never get anything right anyway' (said in front of others)
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Out of these four categories of responses, this one surprised me the most. I’ve heard similar things come out of the mouths of my clients before, but I certainly didn’t expect such a volume of guys saying the same thing over and over around feeling criticized in front of others.
“My boyfriend is a total sweetheart, but he also has a bit of a mean streak that can come out at really inappropriate times. For me, the most painful digs aren’t so much about the content of his message as they are about the timing of when he criticizes me. Whether he’s subtly insulting my outfit or some joke that I tried to tell that didn’t land, I hate it when he criticizes me in front of others. If you have a problem with something I’ve said or done, then tell me. But tell me on our own time and not in front of other people.” — Josh, 31
“I’d like to think that my girlfriend and I have very similar senses of humor. So much of our relationship is based on laughter. We’re constantly laughing. Sometimes, in group settings, I make jokes that push the envelope a bit too far. That’s just how I am. My filter doesn’t function that well for the most part. Sometimes when I throw out these jokes, and she doesn’t agree with them, she’ll really lean into them. If you don’t like a joke, fine. Don’t laugh. But I hate it when she really cuts into me in front of our friends about it.” — Brad, 44
5. 'When are you going to get a real job?'
Unsurprisingly, many men mentioned they felt sensitive about having their partners criticize their career, job, or income level. Just as many men seemed to feel a lot of pressure to be high-income earners, as women felt pressure to appear a certain way physically.
But even more than just the number on the page of what they earned, many men mentioned a longing to want their partner to be able to stand behind their work because the men who wrote in felt so deeply aligned with their careers that they questioned if they were with the right partners.
“When my long-term girlfriend drops hints about not really believing in the work that I’m doing, it instantly makes me doubt her and our relationship. Truthfully, I feel like nothing could make me change my mind about someone faster than them doubting my career path. If they have a valid point and they see something that I am unable to see, I am absolutely open to hearing about it. But when she criticizes my career path that I feel deeply grounded in, it’s almost like a light switch goes from on to off and I just check out emotionally.” — Jason, 54
“My wife and I are DINKs (dual income, no kids). She makes good money, and I make good money. But some months (we’re both partially self-employed), she makes better money than I do. Whenever I’m doing better than her, I never mention it. Not even once. When she’s beating me financially, she almost always mentions it. I’ve told her how much it bothers me, and it hasn’t stopped or changed anything. I don’t need to be making more money than her, I just want to be with a partner that doesn’t need to point out something that they seem to perceive as lacking in me.” — Ryan, 35
You might have noticed a trend across all eight of these points. The subtext across the board, as I perceive it, is that men and women are not feeling loved and accepted as they are. They aren’t necessarily being criticized frequently, but when they are criticized on these specific points, it carries an extra painful sting with it (especially from a significant other whom they love and trust).
Jordan Gray is a five-time Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, Women's Health, and The Good Men Project, among countless others.
