Will Smith: Why 'Inner Vows' About Parenting Can Be Dangerous

Growing up with a military father in a strict home environment, somewhere along the way, Will Smith must have made an inner vow about how he would raise his children. According to The Sun, Smith's son Jaden has asked to be legally emancipated from his parents once he reaches his 15th birthday in July. (Will and Jaden Smith have since set the record straight, denying the emancipation rumors on the Ellen DeGeneres Show, but that doesn't mean Will is not a lax father. "The thing that people don't get is that everything at his house is free," Jaden told Ellen. "I can get anything and everything at his house so I think I'm gonna be there for 20, 30 more years.")

The danger with making inner vows about parenting is that they inhibit normal growth: They cause extremes. You're unteachable in certain areas of your life because they represent the pain of an experience you never want to revisit. After living in a strict environment where his opinion didn't matter, Will Smith has shared that his parenting style is the opposite of his father's: He doesn't believe in discipline and punishment, instead allowing his kids to explain why their actions are the right ones. Inner vows such as the one he has made are self-comforting, as they offer hope during difficult circumstances. The negative side is the blinders you may develop from believing you are invincible in a particular area of your life.

Some inner vows people make include:

• "I will never be poor again."
• "I will never treat my kids like that."
• "I will never wear hand-me-downs."
• "I will never let anyone hurt me again."

Really? Never ever? You alone have the power to control every circumstance that affects you, now and in the future? Here's what will happen to you: Keep reading...

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• You never want to be poor again, so you grow up to be a materialist.
• You never want to treat your kids as strictly as your parents treated you, so you parent without rules and discipline.
• You never want to wear hand-me-downs, so you become label-conscious and exterior-oriented.
• You never want to let anyone hurt you again, so you avoid allowing people to get emotionally close to you.

These choices do not lead to life fulfillment; they only lead you to experience a different type of pain and loss. The interesting part of these promises we make to ourselves are the unexpected repercussions. The next generation generally goes back to the extreme you were avoiding in the first place, and renounces what you strived to accomplish. Because they saw what that internal drive did to you, they don't want the same life experience. For example, if the guiding force in your life was money and you promised yourself you'd never be poor, you probably became a workaholic. As a result, your kids suffered from not having you present in their lives and end up rejecting your lifestyle.

The promises you make to yourself become emotional hot buttons when anyone tries to block your vision. Everyone has their own ways of handling difficult, painful, and discouraging situations. That survival instinct gives us strength. The key is not to allow an inner vow to define yourself and rule over your life choices.

Nancy Pina is a highly recognized author, relationship coach, and speaker. She is dedicated to helping individuals attract emotionally healthy relationships through her practical, Christian-based advice. Visit here for articles, exercises, coaching options, and recent books.