Can You Live With Your Partner's Quirks?
Gratitude is vital to a relationship or marriage, even if they are annoying at times ...
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva We all have personality quirks and habits. Some of these are endearing and easy to love, while others are downright irritating, sometimes even repulsive or upsetting. What tends to happen in a love relationship or marriage is that, initially, we mainly see the aspects in the other person that we find attractive, alluring, funny, and charming.
Over time, those endearing aspects can become tiresome. The very things that initially drew us to the other person may start to feel unbearable. This isn't the way it has to be. The more genuine gratitude you can cultivate for your partner, the happier you will be, individually and as a couple.
You cannot force yourself to appreciate your partner. You can't put a fake smile on your face and tell them you are grateful when that's not how you truly feel. But you can acknowledge how you feel and what you want and encourage yourself to open up your gratitude.
Three ways to have a happy marriage when your spouse annoys you
1. Be a "good-finder"
If we asked you to list your partner's most annoying habits, you'd probably quickly rattle off a decent-sized list. If we asked you to come up with some positive attributes of your partner, you may or may not be able to come up with examples as rapidly.
Invite yourself to be a "good finder" with your partner. This means you intentionally look for the things about your mate you genuinely appreciate. This could take practice. It's like when you've worked hours to bake a gourmet cake from scratch. It smells great and tastes delicious, but one edge of the cake's icing is clumped up. All you see is the clumped icing when you serve the cake. For you, it overshadows the entire cake.
If you tend to pick out the one thing that annoys you about your mate, you might be fixated on their "clumps" and missing so much more about this person you love. Remind yourself to expand your view of your partner and find things you are grateful for.
2. Be real
This "good-finding" doesn't work if you're not real about it.
We're not suggesting that you ignore it when your partner lies to you, yells at you, or says or does things you find upsetting. Please treat yourself with respect by being honest about the changes you'd like to have happen.
Acknowledge your role in an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship. Reach out to your partner and talk about how it feels for you when the unhealthy dynamic happens. If possible, create agreements to improve and follow through with what you agreed.
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Be real about how you feel. If you are unhappy in your relationship, don't gloss over your feelings. You deserve to be satisfied and treated with kindness and love. So does your partner.
One way to treat your partner more lovingly is to take a wide view of who they are so you see more than the flaws. Another way to treat your partner more lovingly is to stop pretending that certain habits aren't tearing you two apart.
3. Be willing to see the positive aspects of the annoyances
There are positive aspects hidden among the most annoying habits. These are not easy to see. If you can find and acknowledge what's potentially positive about your mate's irritating characteristics, you can usually move into a more genuinely grateful place.
Here's how this could work:
Perhaps your partner has a temper. They seem to fly off the handle about any little thing. It certainly can be upsetting to be in a relationship with a person like this, and you might decide staying with this person is not in your best interest.
If you do choose to stay in the relationship, however, you could invite yourself to find some positive aspects of your partner's temper. Here are a few:
- It helps you see how destructive anger is.
- It teaches you to pay attention to your anger.
- It prompts you to learn how to set boundaries.
- It's leading you and your partner to talk honestly and openly about ways to communicate more peacefully.
When you find positive aspects of your partner's annoying habits, this doesn't mean that those habits are suddenly okay with you or pleasing to you. What it does is help you see more than just your annoyance. It helps you know your partner can be irritating and there is more to them and the situation than just the irritation.
This is where gratitude can come in and transform you and your relationship.
Susie and Otto Collins are Certified Transformative Coaches who help awaken love and possibilities in your life.