You Can Usually Tell If A Friendship With Someone Will Last By What Your Mom Think About The Person, Finds Study
ANNA GRANT | Shutterstock Not every friendship is meant to last forever. It can be hard, though, for people to notice the signs in those who are closest to them, but it seems like your mom may be one of the first people to spot whether a friendship is actually genuine or not.
In fact, moms don't just know if a friend is genuine; they can impact the length of the friendship based on how they perceive that person. A study published in Child Development sought to answer the question: When a parent disapproves of a child’s friend and makes that known, does the friendship actually end? According to the findings, the answer might be yes.
You can usually tell whether a friendship will last by what your mom thinks of the person.
According to the research, children who perceived their mothers as disapproving of their friends were more likely to end those friendships. But researchers also warned that the outcome may not be as good as it looks to all the moms out there who tend to give their opinion on their children's friends.
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Researchers surveyed 394 students, 200 boys and 194 girls, attending public schools, three times. Each time, they answered questions about how much support they felt from their closest friends and how much they believed their mother disapproved of those friends.
By the last survey, about a quarter of those friendships had ended, and researchers then examined what predicted which friendships survived and which ones did not. Moms played a huge role in the friendships that didn't survive.
A mom's disapproval of a friendship means it was more likely to end at some point.
Children who believed their mother disapproved of a specific friend were more likely to report that the friendship had ended by the following fall. But a mom's disapproval operated not only by nudging their child to pull back, but also by changing the experience of the friendship.
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When one child’s mother disapproved of the friendship, the friend tended to report feeling less supported in the relationship over time. Friendships where that sense of support was declining were more likely to eventually fall apart. Children did not necessarily report feeling less close to a friend their mother didn't like, but the friend did.
Children were found to become more withdrawn or emotionally distant in response to pressures from their mom without fully realizing it, and the friend ended up picking up on the shift. But, researchers also warned that the extent of a mom's involvement in her kid's friendships could backfire and lead to the child being more defiant and even acting out altogether.
Parents can use healthier tactics to nurture friendships with their kids.
While there are circumstances where a friend may not be genuine, it matters a lot more how a parent approaches that topic. There are definitely instances where the child just has to see it on their own, but of course, a parent can speak up without putting pressure on their child to end the friendship altogether.
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"Demanding the child sever the friendship is rarely effective because the child’s friends have likely been manipulated by the toxic friend and are now on the toxic friend’s side. From a child’s perspective, dealing with a toxic friend may be less terrifying than having no friends," explained psychotherapist Erin Leonard.
As long as parents are being patient and creating a space where their child can come to them about the friends they have in their life, chances are they can eventually figure it out for themselves.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
