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He was pretty meanspirited about it.
By Dan O'Reilly
Last updated on Nov 14, 2023
One of the touchier areas of social commentary revolves around our bodies and how we accept ourselves and others. There is a lot that people can’t control about their bodies and how they look so it’s always sad to see when someone is unhappy with the way that they look, and infuriating when people are judgmental of the way that others look.
One woman posted a text conversation with a man who canceled a date with her because of her “loose skin.”
In the messages, after the mom and TikTok creator named Sarah Jo sent a picture of herself in a bathing suit, the man responded, saying, “Yeah the loose skin from the pregnancy is the only thing. I appreciate you being so understanding, that’s rare I promise lol.”
Sarah Jo received a lot of support online.
One commenter on the original video wrote, “I- I’m just at a loss. THE AUDACITY.”
Other commenters were supportive of Sarah Jo confused by the whole thing, writing, “I literally paused, screenshot, zoomed in —-I STILL CANT SEE ANY FLAWS. Seriously, who is this man??? You definitely dodged a bullet.”
It’s OK to have preferences, but they should be "inclusionary."
Everyone has things they are and are not typically attracted to, but pointing out what you don’t like is generally a pretty meanspirited thing to do, especially when it isn’t something that can be controlled.
As TikTok creator Robbie Scott said in a video, "a preference is inclusionary," and should focus on what you do want in a partner as opposed to what you don't want.
Turning someone down because they have what you perceive as a stomach roll in a photo of them sitting down isn't a preference, but rather exclusionary and discriminatory.
"If you're using words like 'none,' 'never,' 'not,' 'no,' that's not a preference," Scott continued. "If you're trying to communicate your preference in women to us, then you need to tell us what you do want in a woman."
According to Dan Loney, LMFT, values are a far better way to find compatible partners than preferences. Despite the two terms often being used interchangeably, dating based on preferences has more of a chance of leading to "a lack of intentionality and investment."
"When we treat someone according to current preferences, we’re objectifying them," he wrote on his website. "We’re not connecting to their soul and spirit. We’re basing their worth on results."
You're not going to find everyone attractive, and that's OK.
There are a number of things that influence what and who we find attractive. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," after all. However, it's important to use tact and empathy when both understanding your own preferences and communicating them to others.
While we don't know the depth of the connection between Sarah Jo and her date before the message about her "loose skin," we can only assume that if it was at all strong, such a physical trait would not have been a turn-off, so as one person put it in the comments, "at least he's waving them red flags nice and high."
Dan O'Reilly is a writer who covers news, politics, and social justice.