Husband 'Resents' Unemployed 'Lazy' Wife Who Watches TV And Eats Junk Food 8-10 Hours A Day
Is it really just 'laziness'?
DC Studio / Shutterstock A man took to Reddit to figure out whether or not he's wrong for feeling resentful of his unemployed wife.
According to the man's post, after succumbing to burnout and quitting her job, his wife now spends most of her day watching television or eating junk food. He further mentions how he “resents” her for it and doesn’t feel like he can “connect” with her.
"I feel trapped with a lazy person," he wrote.
The husband explained how his wife’s "lazy" habits are affecting their relationship.
Because the wife spends her time in front of the TV, she doesn’t help out with organizing or cleaning their new home.
“The part that really irks me is that our brand new house is falling into disrepair and filth. She doesn’t really clean very much,” he wrote. However, he added that talking about those issues mostly ends up in fights or arguments, so the husband thinks it’s better to deal with it in silence. “Whenever I try to mention that I need her to start going through the stuff and cleaning up the clutter that is taking over our home, she gets defensive and we end up fighting. So I’ve learned not to ask about it and just silently deal with it.”
He wrote that he feels that his wife is so immersed in her world that she has become oblivious to her surroundings, making him feel as though he's alone in handling everything.
"We are basically just roommates that sometimes eat together," he wrote.
The husband also defended his wife and noted that he felt “guilty” for his feelings.
“Admittedly I could do more around the house, too, but I dont feel motivated because I end up doing everything so I get resentful. It’s almost like her laziness is wearing off on me,” he wrote. But that resentfulness makes him feel “guilty” as he knows his wife is going through a hard time with being unemployed. “Then I feel Guilty for resenting her and not just sucking it up and doing the hard work. But alas I feel alone and that my inactivity is justified.”
He then defended her and acknowledged what she has done for him in the past.
“To be fair I will mention that my wife did support me for 3 years while I tried to start another business," he explained, "So she deserves a break.”
However, he added that he felt he had given her enough time to rest and heal.
“It's been 6 months and I thought quitting her job would give her more time to do these things that she’s told me she wants to do. But alas she just sits around, watches TV and eats junk food.”
People were quick to point out that there's likely more going on with his wife than "laziness."
Many commenters were quick to analyze the situation and mention that the wife might be depressed or may be dealing with some other mental health issues. In fact, Ernesto N. Lira de la Rosa, PhD, a psychologist on the Media Advisory Group at Hope for Depression Research Foundation, told PsychCentral that many symptoms of depression can mimic simple laziness, especially when preceded by periods of being overworked, which this husband admitted was the case with his wife who supported him as he built a business.
“I was where your wife is for over a year. Severe depression, I used tv to separate myself from reality. Nothing improved for me until I started therapy," one person wrote. "Best of luck my friend, and try to understand she's not doing it TO you, she is as much of a victim as you are.”
It's normal to feel angry at a partner who's dealing with depression, but there are ways to help.
Depression looks different on everyone, so it's easy to pass off a partner's depression as laziness and consequently feel angry and resentful. As Lira de la Rosa explained to PsychCentral, even the person dealing with these symptoms may not fully understand what's really going on, negatively affecting relationships and creating "a vicious circle and make the spouse with depression even more depressed, alienated, angry, and retreating into themselves,” according to Jacques Barber, PhD, Dean, Gordon F. Derner School of Psychology at Adelphi University in Garden City, NY.
Many people on Reddit suggested the man discuss what he's noticing with his wife from a place of empathy rather than anger and resentfulness.
“Talk to your wife and tell her you want to spend more quality time with her and that you miss her," one person wrote. "Offer up some suggestions and see what happens.”
Experts suggest first and foremost listening to your partner.
“Many people with depression or mental health issues don’t want to be ‘fixed.’ They may just want to be heard," Rabbi Misha L. Ben-David, LCDC, a life coach and pastoral counselor, told WebMD. "If in the process of listening to your partner, if you hear things that are too hurtful for you to handle, then turn to a professional for help.”
In an edit, the man thanked people for their suggestions and noted that he and his wife would work together to address the issue.
"I’ve learned that depression is a beast and 6 months is not that long to support someone," he wrote. "I’ll suggest therapy and I’m sure I can benefit from some as well."
Sanika Nalgirkar, M.F.A. is a writer who covers entertainment & news, lifestyle, and pop culture topics.