Women Who Are Happiest In Their Relationships Usually Understand 3 Very Basic Things About Men
franckreporter | Canva Understanding your partner can make a happy relationship even stronger.
Men aren't all the same, but many approach vulnerability and communication differently than their female partners do. Those differences can easily create frustration when neither person understands where the other is coming from. Women who are happiest in their relationships don't expect their partners to think exactly as they do. Instead, they learn how their partners communicate, what makes them feel fulfilled, and how to express their own needs clearly. These basic lessons about men can help couples better understand each other and build a happier, more connected relationship.
Women who are happiest in their relationships understand these 3 very basic things about men:
1. Men need a purpose outside the relationship
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Let’s start out with a hard truth. Because why not? So, we all have these things called “values.” Our values dictate what matters most to us in the world; they are the traits and virtues we stand for, want to experience, and want to live by. And in the Western world, we men often refer to our number one core value as our "Purpose."
It is a fact that the vast majority of men (if not all of them) care more about their purpose, deep down, than they do about their romantic relationship. In other words, a man’s partner can be his favorite person, but not his favorite anything. This might be a tough pill to swallow. But ask any honest man, and he will confirm that this is true. And if he doesn’t, I’d say that’s a red flag.
Because men who aren’t connected to their purpose aren’t fully connected to themselves and will start to slide into frustration over time as they keep putting other things ahead of their purpose, without even realizing that it’s happening.
I said men care more about their purpose “deep down,” because this is a fundamental part of male nature. Although there are plenty of men who neglect it. They are more prone to being stuck at a stunted level of psychological development, where they’re still caught up in approval-seeking and validation from women because they haven’t fully come into their own.
So, how can this insight about a man’s purpose affect your relationships? Well, there are two things we can do with the information here. First, make sure you only ever get into a relationship with a man whose purpose you deeply respect and can fully support. Because whatever the purpose he’s connected to, it will dictate the course of his life, and it will also dictate the course of your attraction.
Like most women, you probably look at him and think you’re just falling in love with and committing to an individual. But he is tied to a whole other entity: His purpose. You can picture it like the sidecar on a motorcycle. For you to be excited and in love with him all the way down the line, you’ll need to fundamentally align with and respect the values within the greater purpose he’s dedicating himself to.
So, what is his purpose? And how do you feel about it? Is it to serve, build, impact, create art, or create wealth? Does he care far more about money and status than you do? Is he committed to fighting and volunteering for a particular cause? Does he want to offer a particular service to other people and his community? And does he also care about what you care about, too?
These are all questions you can be asking during the dating phase. And if you’re already in a relationship, diving into and designing your values together can be a great exercise to realign yourselves.
There is also a chance that a man can be authentically connected to a purpose that has more to do with building a family, traveling, and merely enjoying the simple things in life. And that could very well be exactly what you’re after.
But most men crave serving a higher purpose that transcends themselves; something to do with filling a specific role in the community or making a specific impact in the world. And many women crave the strength and direction in a man who is also in service of greater values that transcend the relationship.
On the flip side, if a man isn't clearly connected to his purpose and isn’t working to find it, that spells trouble down the line. It will likely leave him feeling unfulfilled and cause him to act out in various ways because a core part of his nature isn’t being activated or engaged.
Following a purpose tends to yield the best results for a man’s emotional and mental well-being, particularly in his relationship, which in turn feeds into the mutual happiness, security, and connection for both partners.
And second, when you have found that man whose purpose you deeply love and respect, show him how much you do, and then be an ally to him. A man who feels his woman admires and supports his purpose will want to keep her by his side for life. He will feel seen and loved for the most important part of his existence.
He will also feel completely free and fully self-expressed, which is a man’s biggest goal in life and his greatest fear: being with a woman who will limit or stifle his freedom and mission.
Remember: the masculine in every person prioritizes mission, vision, and purpose, and the feminine in every person prioritizes love, connection, and relationship. And we all have some percentage of each type of energy.
So, if you’re looking to be in an intimate relationship with a more masculine-associated man, then the above advice can not be overlooked. It goes without saying, but he should also feel aligned with your life’s vision. Ultimately, you want both of your highest and best visions for your lives to align over the long term… otherwise, you’ll always be fighting an uphill battle.
2. Men show vulnerability differently
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I have had countless female coaching clients ask me, “How do I get him to be more vulnerable with me?” And while this desire is a very noble one, there’s something missing from their awareness of what it is exactly that they’re asking for.
When I probe a little deeper, one of two things will happen. Either they won’t be able to break things down any further, or convey a specific understanding of what it is they want, or they have a very narrow definition of what vulnerability means to them and expect their man to be giving them something that he doesn’t have to give.
Because more often than not, when women ask for this, what they’re actually asking is, “Why doesn’t he cry in front of me? Why doesn’t he show vulnerability like I show vulnerability?”
Questions like these are usually the source of the problem. The crux of the issue often doesn’t lie in the man being closed off, but in the woman's inability to recognize his brand of vulnerability as different from hers. What feels personal, exposing, troubling, risky, honest, emotional, or important all differ wildly from person to person, and especially from women to men.
So, to all the women who seek their partners to display vulnerability, broaden your awareness of what that word actually means, especially for men. As well as to realize that he might already be getting vulnerable with you regularly. It’s just that he is doing so in ways that you wouldn’t normally recognize and label as “vulnerability.”
For example, one of the most vulnerable things a man can ever do with his partner is to express fear, doubt, or uncertainty regarding his career. Because fulfilling the roles of security and provider has been conditioned into him by tradition and evolution.
There are ways to be valued as a man and to be valuable in the eyes of his partner. It is a concern that runs through his life. Because our life’s work is so central to our core identity as men, if your man expresses doubt about his work (either about his level of competency with it, potentially shifting jobs, or being uncertain about his professional direction), you must realize that there is almost nothing more vulnerable he could be speaking to you about.
His eyes might not be welling up, and he might not be ranting in detail about his emotions, but I assure you that he is cracking himself wide open and bearing to you one of the rawest parts of himself. This is just one small example. But it’s one to keep in mind.
If you crave more vulnerability from your man, hold the intention of expanding what exactly vulnerability could look and feel like for you. Perhaps there’s something more specific you can boil it down to that you want to experience with him or hear him speak about that would make you feel more intimately connected.
More often, you might realize that he is already showing you many things that are vulnerable to him, and you can begin recognizing all of them more often.
3. Clear requests work better than complaints
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Want to get your way in relationships, while not feeling like you have to take on the masculine, leading, directive role? Then I would suggest attaching goals to your asks.
What do I mean by this? It’s no secret that men can be highly competitive and task-oriented. In other words, men love to win! So, if you frame the things you want in contexts where your man is in a good position to win, where he has a clear aim and a finish line to pursue, then his goal-achieving nature will kick into gear and generate results. All the while giving him a sense of fulfillment.
Here’s an example of this in action: Let’s say that you want him to set up a romantic date for the two of you. Many women might resort to complaining and telling him that he hasn’t taken her out in a long time (which would register in his male mind as “She is upset, therefore I am already losing…”). If you’ve ever done that, you may have experienced your man either completely shutting down and pulling away or getting defensive.
This is a lose-lose scenario. Neither person gets what they want, and the connection is tarnished.
And I get why many women might have this as their natural, instinctual reaction. No matter how ineffective the complaining route is, it’s ultimately coming from frustration that their man isn’t taking action on something or isn’t aware of her needs, and they don’t want to have to push to make it happen themselves.
But instead of complaining and building resentment on both sides, try giving him a positive opportunity to achieve a goal. For example, saying, “Mmmm, I haven’t had Indian food in a long time! I really miss eating Indian food.” Or, even more directly, such as “I would love to have an extended date night soon where we just cuddle and watch a movie.”
Can you see how phrasing things in this way opens a door that he can then choose to step through? Rather than approaching him with scolding “put-down” energy?
You get what you want, and he gets to feel like he accomplished something, while nobody is blamed or made to feel wrong. That is a win-win scenario.
To do this well, you’ll need to be clear about your needs and practice expressing them. This means that you’ll have to do a little emotional refining. What I mean by that is: when we’re not getting a need met in the relationship, the first thing that usually shows up is frustration toward our partner, which we’re then tempted to react with and spit out in its raw, unrefined form (which is messier than it needs to be).
But hidden inside each frustration is a need. If we take a moment, we can usually identify that need and then present it in a cleaner, more productive, and more skillful way.
Here’s an example of the exact opposite of what we want to do. I’d known a couple for 5-6 years who seemed happy and compatible enough. But a few months ago, completely out of the blue, the woman suddenly wanted to break it up. The only reason she could explain was, “I feel like you don’t give me enough romantic experiences.”
He was taken aback by this and asked what she meant by that, what that looked like for her, or what she would like him to do. To which she replied, “You should just know. If I tell you, then it’s not romantic.”
What was coming up for this woman was that she was on what I call the regress express. In other words, she had regressed to her childhood self (we all do it sometimes!) and was in a place where she wanted her partner to read her mind (as her caregivers did when she was a child).
Now, it’s important to acknowledge that we all have this inside of us. There is a part in all of us that wants to remain a child forever and get what we want without having to express it or put in any effort. But in an adult, conscious relationship, we all must take responsibility for being aware of our needs and asking for them to be met, when appropriate.
So, back to the more skillful way to express a need while maintaining a polarized charge. First: Make an ask, not a complaint. Second: Build a clear desired destination into your ask, so your man can take the necessary action needed to satisfy that need.
Put another way, it’s like saying you have a desire to get to the next town over, and then leaving the spaciousness necessary for him to figure out how to get you both there.
Men love to take initiative and solve problems. By using this strategy, you can tap into that core aspect of their nature and ensure that both of you have your needs met, while also maintaining a sense of polarity and romantic charge in your relationship.
Once you see this work in your favor, you’ll feel like you’ve seen through The Matrix.
Jordan Gray is a five-time Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, Women's Health, and The Good Men Project, among countless others.
