Why My Husband And I Are OK With Our Sexless Marriage

Sex isn't everything!

husband and wife in bed together Bartashevich Karyna / Shutterstock

There were days when I couldn't wait for my boyfriend (now husband) to come to my house so that we could have hot, sweaty sex and pass out watching re-runs of Seinfeld.

Everyone warned us: When you get married, things change. The spark dies and you have sex like, once a year.

PSH POSH, what did they know? Well, it turns out, they knew more than I did.

Let me first say, I love my husband to pieces and I probably wouldn't be who I am today without him. I find him incredibly hot and sexy, but ... I have zero sex drive.


But it's not him, it's me. Literally.

Could it be the massive amounts of medication I'm on to treat my mental illnesses? Maybe!

Could it be the fact that by the time he gets home from work and our child is in bed, we are both so exhausted that sleeping sounds so much more desirable than a romp in the hay? Maybe!

Could it be that I'm so out of shape, physically and mentally, that I'm disgusted by my own body? Maybe!

Or ... could it be that I'm asexual

I had a friend years ago who claimed to be asexual. Me being the naive, sheltered girl I was, I thought that meant she had no sex parts.

Yes, I REALLY believed that.


Obviously, I missed that day in biology class. 

So whenever I saw articles about asexuality, I never gave them any mind. That's not me. I have lady parts. DUH! 

But then another friend came to me and told me she thought she was asexual. I was forced to Google it and ... wow.


For those that may not know exactly what asexuality means, let me help you.

Being asexual means the lack of sexual attraction to anyone, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It may be considered the lack of sexual orientation, or one of the variations thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality.

RELATED: 4 Questions Everyone Has When They Find Out I'm Asexual


How does knowing that help? It really doesn't. In fact, I have an enormous weight of guilt that lies on my chest at night. Can I still have a happy marriage? 

My husband wants to have sex. I know he does. But he understands and accepts that I do not.

I'm sure most of you reading this are going to say, "Wait. He wants it but just accepts that he's not going to get it? Are you stupid? He's going to cheat on you! You're selfish!"

Well, these wouldn't be thoughts I don't already have myself.

My husband and I have talked extensively about the situation, our sex life (or lack thereof), and what it all means for our future. We both still love each other and are 'in love' with each other. I pinky promise you that.


RELATED: Why I Slept With A Pregnant Woman's Husband

But sex just isn't a necessity for us at the moment.

I'm aware that could change at any point. I'm aware my husband has needs that need to be fulfilled and when the time comes that he can no longer stand it, we will definitely revisit the conversation. But for now, we're both OK with it.

A relationship between two people is based on trust, communication, and love.

If sex is a part of a relationship, that's wonderful for that couple. But everyone is different and everyone has different needs.

There's no handbook that says, "You HAVE to have sex this many times per week, or your marriage is doomed to fail."


Well, actually, I'm sure there are a ton of books like that in the self-help section of your local bookstore, but that doesn't mean it's true.

Not for my marriage.

In fact, according to a 2004 study, results showed that 1% of adults have ZERO interest in sex.

Is that a high number? Absolutely not. But does that mean it's accurate? Absolutely not.


Coming to terms with asexuality isn't easy. It wasn't for me.

I blamed myself for years and justified it for so many reasons, but the truth is the truth: I just don't have the desire for sexual intercourse.

It can be your truth, as well. 

RELATED: I Regret Having My Child Because I Miss The Life I Could Have Had

Whatever floats your boat and rocks your socks off is what makes a marriage a happy one, not what society tells us or what our friends post on Facebook.

We have to remember that we are individuals with our own unique genetic make-up and chemistry. 

It's OK to be asexual. It's OK to be queer. It's OK to be heterosexual. It's OK to be me!


And it's most definitely OK to be YOU!

Lola Stark is a writer who focuses on mental illness, health, relationships, and more.