Why He Married Her, Not You: 4 Brutal Truths People Generally Don’t Want To Hear
Knowing why they didn't pick you might finally give you the closure you need.
Ihssan Rami | Unsplash In May 2012, I made the most mature decision of my adult life when I proposed to my wife. Leading up to that moment, I felt everything from light-headedness and nervousness to happiness. Relief because I had finally connected with my soul mate and chose to be with her. No more late-night doubts or endless questions about whether I’d ever find real love. I had made my choice.
For the most part, people were happy for me. But some of my exes were angry because I didn't choose them. A few cut me off completely. One even asked me why I chose my wife and not her. Now that I've had a few years to reflect, I'm ready to answer — here it is, straight, no chaser. This is why he chose the other chick over you.
Why he married her and not you — 4 brutal truths people generally don’t want to hear:
1. You were right for a moment, not forever
We all know the quote, "People come into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime." It's your job to figure out which one it is and then act accordingly. You had your turn with him, and I'm sure you had some great times. But all relationships exist to teach us lessons about ourselves.
I coach women to practice effective questioning. The typical questions in this situation are "Why did he leave?" or "What did I do wrong?" Those questions are ridden with fear and self-pity. A more empowering question to ask is "What did I learn from this experience?" or "What did this teach me about myself that will prepare me for my next situation?"
2. You didn't win over the people who matter to him
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Say what you want, but guys do value the opinions of their closest loved ones. Maybe you think it's childish that outsiders significantly influence his relationship choices. Like a biscuit sopping up gravy, he will take on their views about you. Research shows that gaining early family approval can lead to fewer conflicts in the future and a stronger relationship for both partners years down the line — so whether his close people like you matters more than you probably think.
This usually happens unconsciously. I can tell you from personal experience that if his homies think you're cool and smart, it will reinforce that you're cool and smart in his mind.
There are some guys who will cast aside the opinions of their friends and family when it comes to love. My guess is that you want to be with someone who is a confident, independent thinker, strong enough to make their own choices.
3. His gut told him the relationship wouldn't last
It's a myth that only women are intuitive and emotional, while men are strictly logical and non-feeling. Both men and women have the ability to intuit. As a society, we accept that women are born with uncanny instincts. However, men who know themselves are also in sync with their feelings.
All of us pick up on energy, and we know when the vibe isn't right. Yes, you guys cracked jokes on each other and liked the same music. That wasn't enough for him, though. There was some other data he had that made him say, "Nope, not the one."
My guess is that you knew something was up, too. You sensed that he was pulling away from you, ever so subtly. Then, you ignored all of the signs because you desperately wanted it to work. In this way, he put his male hardwiring to use and made a choice, but you neglected your gift and let him decide your heart.
4. The chemistry was missing where it counted
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The connection could have been lacking in the bedroom, in your religious views, or even your political leanings. One study found that couples who waited longer to get physically involved reported 20% higher relationship satisfaction and 22% less thinking about divorce compared to those who didn't. So, you both probably waited for the chemistry to develop in one or more areas, but it didn't. Eventually, he said to himself, "Nah, this ain't gonna happen," and he began executing his exit strategy.
He wasn't willing to fool himself into thinking he'd eventually fall in love with you. After the infatuation ran out and the lust-filled smoke cleared, he realized there was nothing there for him to build on.
Yes, you're probably a good person. But, so what? The "market" is oversaturated with good women. That doesn't mean that you aren't valuable or that you don't bring something to the table. He just didn't want to sit at the table with you for the next 5 to 10 years.
Don't fret, my dear. Although this hurts, it isn't a bad thing. His decision to move on might have saved you from years of pain and regret.
Derek Felton is a matchmaker and intimacy expert who helps people find and keep love.
