It Took Me 40 Years To Realize People Who Do These 3 Things Like Themselves Way More
Alena | Pexels I was a teenage meatball, overweight and stoned and likable enough to other people, but never to myself. I wanted to be more, to feel better about myself. But I never let it happen because I didn't know how.
Later, as a grown man playing in a pretty cool rock-n-roll band, touring the world and living the kind of life most guys my age only ever dream of, I still struggled with finding reasons to dig the person I had become. It was torturous for both the people in my life who I really loved and cared about, who had to deal with a man who wasn't ever certain of his value in their lives, and it was torturous for me, too, as I constantly found myself staring in the mirror at a person I couldn't stand.
I felt trapped inside someone else's body. I felt caged inside someone else's life. But lately all of that's changed for me. I can't say for certain, but I'm pretty sure that getting divorced made me realize that my mind was a farce. I was going around hating on myself for no reason other than the fact that I wanted someone else to lift me, to make me feel special and valuable.
Spoiler alert: That's such nonsense. You can't expect or need other people to do that for you; you need to make that stuff happen all by yourself. So that's what I did. Alone for the first time in many years, I woke up one morning and simply said to myself, "I'm over all this hate." It was time for a change. It took me forty years to realize, but it was time to fall in love with the one person who matters the most in my world: me.
It took me 40 years to realize people who do these 3 things like themselves way more:
1. They exercise regularly and without excuse
Maybe you exercise. Maybe you do it here and there, once or twice a week, down at the gym, going through the motions, sweating all over yourself before heading home to a terrible dinner. I'm not trying to be a jerk; it's just the way things usually go, and I get it.
Even though folks have been drilling this message into your thick skull since you were a 4th-grade dork playing dodgeball, I'm going to say it again: Exercise will change your life if you want it to. After my marriage hit the skids a little over a year ago, I had a small epiphany.
I realized my wife was eager to shed the sad, frumpy, fat guy I'd become during the last few years of our decade-long run together. I'd gone from a pretty fit, reasonably attractive guitar player in a band when she met me to a bloated ghost of my former self. And deep inside, I knew it. I was just too lazy and self-loathing to do a thing about it.
Then, when we split, I turned it all around. I decided I was going to exercise my butt off, literally. And I did, even with a job and three young kids and all the stuff that lets people convince themselves that they don't have the time or energy to work out or run or swim or do anything physical short of taking out the trash. I looked on the Internet, found a bunch of workout things that seemed like they'd probably kill me if I tried themm and I started doing them all the time, every day, no matter what.
I lost 50 pounds in a few months. I began to see results very quickly, and I became addicted to those results, not just in a vain, physical way (though that certainly helped) but also because I began to feel like Thor in my mind.
I've maintained that mindset as I continued my exercise routine at home, with nothing but a few 20-lb dumbbells and my laptop for music. Most importantly: I never make excuses. Because a life without regular hard-hitting exercise is just half a life. Mentally, physically, emotionally, it changes everything for the better.
2. They're not afraid of being misunderstood
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Stop being like everybody else. Stop thinking like a sheep, like all the people you work with, or all the tools spouting off on your Facebook feed, about how the president is a Socialist or how Kanye West is such a douchebag. They're not originals.
Here's a little secret: they don't even really know what they're saying most of the time. It's hard to admit, but the majority of humans alive on this planet are not using their minds. It's too much work. To explore alternative corners of reality to find hidden portals of positive thinking that lead to liking yourself better, forgetaboutit. That takes effort, desire, and a penchant for change.
And people hate change. People, overall, are basically plankton, you know? They're mostly a thin film of pond vegetation, quite happy to copy other people and quite content to be irritated by pretty much everything and anything.
Don't be that way. Read some new books. Investigate something cool that you never imagined investigating before. Find yourself a more humane and intriguing way of looking at this world we live in. And start thinking about how you can make your own life way better by becoming more Zen and mindful of the thoughts that zip behind your eyes every other second.
Think about what you're thinking. I know that sounds far out, but that's because it is. It's far out to embark on a soul-searching mission to be better and more understanding and, as a result, to fall in love with yourself in all the right ways.
Change your mindset. Take the time to learn how to alter the way you react to anger, jealousy, lust, or fear. I read The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching, which changed my life in more ways than I can tell you. But find your own thing; be your own guru. It's so empowering to be an adult with a new set of eyes, I swear. Don't be afraid of being misunderstood. Be afraid of not being misunderstood.
3. They say what needs to be said
Based on my own experience in love and life, too many people are afraid to express themselves to the people that matter most to them. Or even to people that could potentially matter to them were they to be informed, via personal expression, that they tickle your fancy.
There are a ton of reasons why so many people nowadays tend to bottle up their feelings and hold back the truest words they'll never say. It's easier that way. If we pour our hearts out to someone, we run the extreme risk of having it slammed back into our faces.
Being bold and brave enough to look someone in the eye and tell them you care about them is scary; there's no doubt about it. But consider history for a second. Take a look at man's long and winding road of foolish/self-centered ways, and then consider how many trillions of people have long since withered away and died without ever really speaking their hearts.
They could have made amends. They could have rekindled fading love. They could have changed the course of their own life (and other lives) for the better if they had just had the courage to speak up and not be afraid.
Learn to say "I love you." It seems so passé and obvious, but I assure you, you don't say it enough to that one or two people who need to hear it from you. I know I don't. But I'm trying to. And guess what?
Each time I say it, each time I walk the stupid plank and say, "Hey, I love you so much," it makes me feel bionic. It makes me feel invincible and unconquerable. Because telling someone something like that unleashes something in the universe. It may not always end how you want it to, but your vulnerability will give you superpowers.
Serge Bielanko is a writer and musician who has been published on Babble, Huffington Post, Yahoo, and more.
