5 Thought Traps That Keep Even The Most Incredible People Single
Your own mind might be the issue related to your unwanted single status.
zamrznutitonovi | Canva As an international relationship coach, I have had countless conversations on dating and relationships with people in all phases of life: men, women, boys, girls, single, married, divorced, and everything in between. When you stop to listen and pay attention, there are many lessons one can take away from these interactions: insights into the thoughts and feelings of others, as well as the ability to reflect on your own. Some of these include varying degrees of what could be considered self-sabotage.
Of course, along the way, many of us have become jaded, taken advantage of, taken for granted, or unappreciated. This can permeate a new relationship because we have a hard time letting go of the damage from the old. We must stay positive and true to ourselves to find a happy relationship. Here are five common mindsets that could be keeping you from finding the happiness you deserve.
Here are five thought traps that keep even the most incredible people single:
1. You expect to find the 'perfect' relationship
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While the perfect relationship simply doesn't exist, I feel that many people are becoming less likely and willing to put the required work and effort into building something alongside a teammate. They walk away at the first sign of difficulty, and it's preventing deep, meaningful relationships from actually developing.
No matter how easy and carefree I or anyone else makes a relationship sound, there will always be challenges you must face. But that's what makes you and your partner stronger together. It's what bonds you together as you overcome these obstacles as a team; It's what it means to be truly committed to the person you love.
2. You have not yet recognized your own self-worth
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Relationships are not only about finding the right person to be with, they are also about being the right person to be with. For many of us, we don't just wake up one day and instantly become that person. We need to put in the time and effort to develop ourselves accordingly.
The bottom line is that "we accept the love we think we deserve" and you get to decide what you deserve. Someone's inability to see your value does not make you any less valuable.
That's why it's called self-worth. It's up to you, not them. If you do not feel like you truly deserve to be happy, you will always find yourself sabotaging the situations which can bring it to you. Stop being the victim and start being the victor.
Low self-esteem can lead individuals to settle for relationships that are less than ideal or even unhealthy because they may not believe they deserve better. A 2018 study argues that they may tolerate disrespectful behavior or settle for incompatible partners, prioritizing having someone over having a healthy connection.
3. You are actually terrified to find happiness
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A long time ago, people talked to me about being scared of becoming successful. I never really understood what they meant. How could you be scared of success? How could you be scared of happiness?
Both success and happiness require risk. They require much more risk than mediocrity or just settling. Taking the safe path through the woods. Living a 'beige' life.
It can be scary to think of falling for someone who does not fall for you in return. It can be scary to imagine giving too much to someone without them giving in return. But without risk, there is no reward. Fortune favors the bold, not just in life, but also in love.
A fear of happiness can create a self-fulfilling prophecy in dating, leading to self-sabotage, impaired emotional connection, and ultimately preventing individuals from experiencing the very happiness they fear. According to a 2018 study, addressing this fear is crucial for building healthy and fulfilling relationships.
4. You never think the timing is right
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Life gets crazy. We get busy and it becomes difficult to imagine shifting around our schedule to accommodate that of a whole other person to build a relationship with them.
The timing isn't right, but you will be able to focus more after you reach your next goal. Or, after you make this deadline. Or, after your new assistant gets hired.
Whatever it may be, there is always an excuse that seems to keep us from doing what it is that we want to do. "Someday" is not a day of the week, and it never actually shows up on the calendar.
There is no perfect moment, but what there is is the ability to take the moment and make it perfect. There will be no wrong timing when you find the right person, but you need to be open to them coming into your life.
A study by the University of North Dakota explained that this fear can lead to pulling back when relationships deepen, avoiding personal conversations, or distancing when someone gets too close. Past experiences like betrayal or a painful breakup can fuel this fear, making it hard to trust or feel safe being vulnerable in new relationships.
5. You are jaded because you've been burned in the past
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This may be the most common reason why people do not want to date anymore. They have been burned in the past and have felt unappreciated.
They don't think there are any good people left in the world. No good men and no good women; All men are jerks, and all women are crazy.
After one, two, or twenty disappointments, it's natural to become worn down and discouraged. Keeping your hope alive is the only missing piece in finding the person you are meant to be with.
There is no predicting when or where you will meet the person you fall in love with. You may be reading this article on your phone and bump into them on the street. You might be in line behind them in the coffee shop. You might meet them at a party. But if you are too jaded to give them a chance when they do come along, you risk letting them get away forever.
While it's a risk to put yourself out there and chase after happiness, it's far less of a risk than spending the rest of your life wishing you had.
James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and relationship coach. He is a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.
