4 Things Self-Absorbed Men Do Before They Even Really Know You
Harbucks | Shutterstock You meet a guy, and he asks you out. You are excited to go on a date and learn more about him. Everything goes super great, and once you get home, you receive a sweet good night text. Then a good morning text, then a call while you are at work. Everything seems fine and grand in love land. You feel closer to him than any other guy you have met. But suddenly it gets too intense too fast, and it feels like all his acts of love are really just an illusion of closeness because in truth, he doesn't really even know you.
According to psychiatrist Dr. Dale Archer, certain self-absorbed men often use "love bombing" as a tactic to excessively display love and affection for their partner. On the surface, that sounds pretty good, right? Sure, until you dig deeper and realize this tactic is actually a tool being used to control you.
4 things self-absorbed men do before they even really know you:
1. They make extravagant gestures
He's sending dozens of red roses to your office when you aren't together, along with chocolates and sonnets, but sending you hateful, jealous texts when you're out with friends. That's a sign he could be love-bombing you.
'If extravagant displays of affection continue indefinitely, if actions match words, and there is no devaluation phase, then it's probably not 'love bombing',' says Dr. Archer. "On the other hand, if there's an abrupt shift in the type of attention, from affectionate and loving to controlling and angry, with the pursuing partner making unreasonable demands, that's a red flag."
2. They stay in constant communication
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For him to continue his intense love-bombing assault, he needs to have constant access to you. Expect frequent texts throughout the day, not asking you how you are or what you're up to, but just lavishing you with praise and pining for a time when the two of you will be united again, even if you're only parted ways an hour or so before. "Healthy relationships build slowly and are based on a series of actions, not a flood of words," said Dr. Archer.
3. They seek out people with childhood trauma or dysfunction
Still not convinced that this so-called love bombing is harmful? Try this on for size: It's a tactic that was first used in the 1970s by the Unification Church of the United States. The cult used love bombing as a tactic to convince its members to murder and commit suicide. Yeah. legitimately scary stuff — the kind of stuff that might have you howling "do not want" if you are a person who spends as much time on the internet as I do.
There's a school of thought that if you are used to something being the norm from your family dynamic growing up, then no matter how far you've grown past that, you might subconsciously look for someone to fill that role in your romantic life. If you have childhood trauma associated with your family, you're at a higher risk of becoming the prey of a love bomber.
4. They seem almost too good to be true
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If you ever find yourself thinking "This feels too good to be true," then take note: It just might be. Not to sound too jaded, but often when you find yourself thinking this in a new relationship, it's your mind sending up a protective red flag.
A person who love bombs you isn't evil. They aren't an inherently bad person or narcissists or psychopaths. But just because they aren't absolutely unhinged, that doesn't mean they know the right way to be in a relationship. People with a fear of abandonment are often guilty of love bombing in the hopes of keeping their partner close at heel.
A love-bombing partner will seem too good to be true until you disappoint them. Then you'll be walking constantly on eggshells and trying to get back to the way things used to be. Ain't nobody got time for that! Bottom line, ditch the fairy tale thinking: A prince on a white horse is not going to sweep you up, coo into your ear, and write haikus about you on Instagram.
It isn't wrong to expect romance and adoration from your significant other, but a real relationship isn't founded on romantic gestures, it's focused on the real everyday junk of getting to know the other person, and that ain't always roses and chocolates.
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer and the former Senior Editor of Pop Culture at Newsweek with a passion for lifestyle, geek news, and true crime.
