5 Things Good Men Do When They Respect A Woman And Want What's Best For Her
Respect is often found in things he doesn't do.
Andrii Nekrasov | Canva I know good men because I married one of the best. Back in 2017, I marched in the Women’s March with my husband and my brother-in-law. Just seeing my husband in the crowd was powerful for me, but even more so knowing what he does for me, this woman, daily.
The intergenerational trauma of violence perpetrated on the female body lines my family tree, and I question how I got to this wonderful place from there. My mother was abused by her stepfather, which resulted in the birth of my older sister.
My father had so many children from so many women over the years, habitually leaving them when things “weren’t right” for him anymore. My father also abused my 14-year-old sister. Pregnant with her stepfather’s child, she opted to terminate.
Here I am today, in my 30s,and married to a man who, when I told him at 20 that I didn’t want to kiss a man again until I was married (after having men kiss me unwantedly and pressure me for more), said, “OK, that’s fine. Whatever you need.”
I didn’t end up holding to my resolve on that decision, kissing him a few months into our dating relationship, but his initial response was one of complete respect for me and my decisions. On that day, the man who would become my husband showed me what it felt like to have a man hold space for me.
In that vein, I would like to share ways my husband respects me (and other women, when applicable) in hopes of helping other good men hold space for partners with a history like mine.
Five things men do when they respect women and want what's best for them:
1. He recognizes her need to control her body
In my relationship, this runs deeper than just not pressuring me for more when we were dating, but to a deeper knowledge about the power that has been stolen from women in regards to their bodies.
He supported me when I was younger and didn’t drink alcohol at all for fear of not being in control of my body, and he takes seriously my pondering over whether I want to experience the physical changes of pregnancy.
Each of us will have our own unique ways in which we will need that space to be held, but men who respect women are willing to do it.
2. He doesn’t try to fix her
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When it comes down to it, we are all broken people. We come to relationships with our past heartaches, fears, and insecurities. But my past is not an area my husband can fix.
A good man can listen to me tell my story, and my husband does. He can be a voice to end violence against women, and he does. But my past is still my past. Your past is still your past. It’s up to us to work through. They'll show up for support when needed, but will trust you to know what's the best way for you to heal.
3. He makes sure she feels safe to fail in fixing herself
It turns out you can’t process all this in a day or a year, or even a few years. It takes a while. I don’t always get things right.
But a good man doesn’t need me (or you) to be whole. We can be broken in some parts, and that can be okay.
4. He offers humble guidance and a willingness to help should she desire it
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In my mid-twenties, after I had confronted my mother about my father’s assault of my sister, it was the first time I started to deeply process that part of my past. To put it bluntly, I was a mess. I am normally a fairly cheery person, so after seeing me struggling for weeks, he gently suggested that it may be time to seek counseling.
A good man doesn't insert himself in ways that are not invited, but they are willing to help when needed. The key? He can ask. He can say, "Hey, I see that you've been struggling. I have a suggestion, if you're interested."
I had been so wrapped up in my head that I hadn’t even seen that option, but his gentle suggestion was what I needed to find extra support.
5. He doesn't make her life about him
About 97% of the time, we lead a very normal life for a young married couple. We both work full-time, and I’m in grad school. We go hiking and hang out with our friends.
But every once in a while, something happens and I’m forced to process my past or an event in the news (or life in general) in a new way. Maybe I'll go back to my childhood home to visit family, or I’m faced with a reading for class that parallels my experience.
Whatever the case, no matter my expression of it, he remains focused on supporting me. He goes home with me, not advising me on how to deal with my family, but as a support. He listens even though he’s heard it before because he knows it’s what I need.
Men who truly respect women and want what's best for them let the women in their lives take center stage. It doesn't matter if it's when she is struggling or when she's succeeding, it doesn't have to be about him.
My husband holds space for me. I know good men because I married one of the best.
Hope Castle is a freelance writer who writes about feminism and how it plays a role in her marriage.
