Men Who Don’t Actually Want To Be Understood Often Say 9 Subtle Phrases To Distract You
Dean Drobot / Shutterstock Most of us want to be understood by at least one person who loves us, so it usually comes as a shock to a woman when she meets a man who doesn't seem to want her to know how he thinks or feels. While boys are now more likely to be raised to express their emotions than they used to be, that certainly wasn't and isn't always the case, and many men still feel uncomfortable with vulnerability on some level.
When a man doesn't actually want to be understood by the woman in his life, he'll often use some carefully chosen phrases to distract her from his inner world. These men will do everything they can to deflect attention away from themselves, especially when you come close to uncovering how they really feel.
If a man doesn't really want to be understood by a woman, he'll use these phrases to distract her
1. ‘I don’t really know’
Prostock-studio via Canva
There’s always a chance that a man is telling the truth when he says he doesn’t know something, but it’s also possible that he just doesn’t want to open up any further. Context clues can help you determine which is more accurate, but if he’s really trying to distract you, he probably won’t even give you time to think about it.
Refusing to address uncomfortable emotions in this way is known as emotional avoidance. Everyone does this at times to ignore what they’re feeling or make it more bearable, but doing it frequently is a sign something deeper is going on. Men who don’t want to be understood could very easily be in this situation.
2. ‘You’re overthinking it’
People overthink all the time, and looking for some kind of distraction in those moments actually is helpful. Men who point this out probably aren’t doing so out of the kindness of their hearts, though.
He’s probably the one who’s causing a problem by refusing to be honest, but saying this makes it sound like you’re the one with issues. This guy is turning around and blaming you for his emotional immaturity, which isn’t fair at all, but it definitely gets your mind off of whatever you were discussing before.
3. ‘Let’s just see what happens’
This phrase can turn a conversation awkward really fast. Men who say this are probably trying to avoid giving a definitive answer, which says more about them than the actual question.
This is often a sign that he doesn’t want to commit, whether to the decision at hand or to your relationship as a whole. Giving his genuine opinion about something would reveal too much of who he is and how he feels, and that makes him want to run.
4. ‘It’s not a big deal’
When men say that something isn’t really a big deal when it definitely is, it can feel extremely dismissive. This might seem like a necessary defense mechanism for them if whatever they’re talking about makes them uncomfortable and they don’t want to dive any deeper into it, but it can also be really invalidating for you.
Downplaying how important something is is a natural instinct for a lot of people, but it can still lead to misunderstanding and hurt feelings. The guy could think he’s doing you a favor when he’s actually hurting you by dismissing your own feelings in an effort to protect his own.
5. ‘It is what it is’
Boris Jovanovic from Getty Images via Canva
There are really two mindsets a man could have when he says this: resignation or acceptance. The former is basically the same thing as giving up, while the latter means understanding that nothing more can be done while trying to move forward. It’s a small difference, but it can seriously change someone’s attitude.
Unfortunately, the perspective that this guy chooses impacts you, too. If he gives up, there’s not much left that you can do to change the situation either. Even if he’s being accepting, he’s still shutting the discussion down, which keeps you at arm’s length either way.
6. ‘Just trust me’
It might not seem like a big deal to hear a man say this if you already trust him, but what if you don’t? People who are more responsible also usually feel higher levels of guilt, which can make this situation even more difficult if that's you.
On the other hand, when men deflect attention away from how they’re really feeling with this kind of phrase, they probably don’t feel a lot of guilt at all. If they did, they would do more to explain where they were coming from, even if it felt uncomfortable for them. That makes this a red flag that should be taken seriously, but not literally.
7. ‘Let’s agree to disagree’
People tend to think that reaching some kind of stalemate by acknowledging that you both have different opinions is a good thing, especially with how divisive the world is right now. Coming to this understanding without really understanding each other is just a way to shut down a conversation, though.
Of course, these men don’t want to be understood, so they’ll have no problem pretending to prioritize peace instead. It seems like a nice thing to do, but it’s just a way for them to put another wall up.
8. ‘You know what I mean’
This phrase comes up when a man doesn’t want to explain himself because he’s putting the responsibility of interpreting what can’t be understood on you. It’s so vague that he’s able to change the subject before you even realize that you don’t, in fact, know what he means.
Many people feel the need to over-explain because of people-pleasing tendencies or difficult things they’ve been through in the past. That feels like the safest option to them, even though it rarely does any good. It feels empowering when they stop doing that, but that shouldn’t be mistaken for what a man does when he refuses to explain anything.
9. ‘It’s complicated’
Timur Weber from Pexels via Canva
Knowing when and how to end a conversation can feel like an art form. Integrative therapist Renée Zavislak said it’s best to do this “when the content is neutral.” That definitely doesn’t describe the way that it feels when an enigmatic guy you care about writes something off as being too complicated to discuss with you.
This is really just another example of him not wanting to explain anything, possibly because he doesn’t have any solid answers himself. He’s trying to end the conversation without a real resolution, which may be harmful for your relationships, but helpful for him if he doesn’t want anyone to get too close.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
