10 Signs He's Just A High-Intensity Affair — Not Your Soulmate

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man and woman on dinner date

One of the most common mistakes I’ve noticed in recent years is that people tend to assume that very intense, passionate relationships are a sign that someone is your soulmate.

When you think of soulmates, passion is definitely there. That passion is because it’s meant to be. 

But, at the same time, you can also have an intense relationship that’s a total train wreck.

Here are signs that you’re in an intense relationship that really isn’t meant to be and that this person is not your soulmate.

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Here are 10 signs he's just a high-intensity affair — not your soulmate:

1. The intensity is mostly because of arguing, cheating, or abuse

Traumatic bonding is a thing, people, and it often happens during abusive relationships. With traumatic bonding, you’re passionately attached to a person who is terrible for you because your brain is hooked on the “love chemicals” your body produced during the courtship phase.

If you find yourself crying too often or wondering why he can’t be nice like before, he’s not your soulmate. He’s an abuser who has high-intensity outbursts.

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2. People have sat you down and told you that you two really shouldn’t be together

If your friends have sat you down, pleaded with you to forget him, and straight up said that you need to dump him, you might want to listen. People only do this when they’re scared of the grip someone has on them and when they feel like they may be putting themselves in danger.

3. If you were honest, it seems like you two have zero in common

You have no common goals. You don’t value the same thing. You hate his favorite TV shows. Soulmates have something in common aside from sex. So, if this is true for you, he’s not your soulmate.

4. The passion is one-sided

If you’re the only one of the two of you showing that passion, he’s not your soulmate. You’re just obsessed with him and wasting energy on him. For your own sake, stop it!

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5. When you think of the qualities you love about him, most of them are superficial

“He’s my soulmate because he had a Lamborghini and a 12-inch penis,” said no one ever. Soulmates have a deeper connection than things you’d find in a typical hip-hop video, so if you can’t come up with anything you like about his personality, it’s just a really intense lust you’re feeling.

6. Realistically, the two of you couldn’t make a long-term relationship work

You’re not soulmates if you two can’t agree on the most basic things you need as far as long-term relationship goals go. For example, if you can’t stand kids and he wants them desperately, it’s really not meant to be. Your “one” will want to be child-free, just like you. When “no compromise” factors clash, it’s clear that a relationship won’t work without one of you being miserable.

7. One of you did some heinous stuff to the other

If he hit you, publicly humiliated you, or got you fired intentionally, he’s not your soulmate. He’s an abuser, and you need to bail.

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8. He constantly tries to change you in ways that you don’t like

Intense relationships can be intense because of the pressure that one partner may exert on the other. If he’s constantly criticizing how you look, what you say, and what you do, it’s probably not meant to be.

A soulmate will inspire you to better yourself but will do it in a way that makes you happy with yourself. Similarly, don’t call him a soulmate if you’re hellbent on making him change to suit your needs or lifestyle.

9. It’s an uphill battle that you’re hoping will result in a happy ending

Not a good sign at all. Healthy relationships rarely ever involve uphill battles, especially when it comes to commitment. If you’re struggling to get him to close the deal and buy a ring, he’s not the one for you.

10. It just feels wrong on so many levels

Maybe it’s that he doesn’t really “get you,” or maybe it’s the sinking feeling you’re getting. Whatever it is, a good relationship won’t give you those bad vibes. If it doesn’t feel right, he’s not your soulmate... no matter what he may say.

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Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, New Theory Magazine, and others.