A Man Who Adores & Wants What’s Best For A Woman Often Does 5 Truly Selfless Things
PeopleImages | Shutterstock I know good men because I married one of the best. Back in 2017, I marched in the Women’s March with my husband and my brother-in-law. Seeing my husband in the crowd was powerful, but even more so knowing what he does for me, this woman, every day.
The intergenerational trauma of violence perpetrated on the female body lines my family tree, and I question how I got to this wonderful place from there. My mother was abused by her stepfather, which resulted in the birth of my older sister.
My father had so many children from so many women over the years, habitually leaving them when things “weren’t right” for him anymore. My father also abused my 14-year-old sister. Pregnant with her stepfather’s child, she opted to terminate.
Here I am today, in my 30s, and married to a man who, when I told him at 20 that I didn’t want to kiss a man again until I was married (after having men kiss me unwantedly and pressure me for more), said, “OK, that’s fine. Whatever you need.”
I didn’t end up holding to that resolve, kissing him a few months into our dating relationship, but his initial response showed complete respect for me and my decisions. On that day, the man who would become my husband showed me what it felt like to have a man hold space for me.
In that vein, I would like to share ways my husband respects me (and other women, when applicable) in hopes of helping other good men hold space for partners with a history like mine.
1. He recognizes her need to control her own body
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In my relationship, this runs deeper than just not pressuring me for more when we were dating, but to a deeper knowledge about the power that has been stolen from women in regard to their bodies.
He supported me when I was younger and didn’t drink alcohol at all for fear of not being in control of my body, and he takes seriously my pondering over whether I want to experience the physical changes of pregnancy. Each of us will need that space in our own way, but men who respect women are willing to hold it.
2. A good man doesn’t try to fix the woman he loves
When it comes down to it, we are all broken people. We bring our past heartaches, fears, and insecurities into relationships. But my past isn't something my husband can fix.
A good man can listen to me tell my story, and my husband does. He can be a voice to end violence against women, and he does. But my past is still my past. Your past is still your past. It’s up to us to work through. They'll show up for support when needed, but will trust you to know what's the best way for you to heal.
3. He makes sure she feels safe to fail
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It turns out you can’t process all this in a day or a year, or even a few years. It takes a while. I don’t always get things right. But a good man doesn’t need me (or you) to be whole. We can be broken in some parts; we can fail, and that can be okay.
4. He offers humble guidance and an offer to help should she want it
In my mid-twenties, after I had confronted my mother about my father’s assault of my sister, it was the first time I started to deeply process that part of my past. To put it bluntly, I was a mess. I am normally a fairly cheery person, so after seeing me struggling for weeks, he gently suggested that it may be time to seek counseling.
A good man doesn't insert himself where he's not invited, but he is willing to help when needed. The key? He can ask. He can say, "Hey, I see that you've been struggling. I have a suggestion, if you're interested."
I was so wrapped up in my head that I hadn’t even seen that option, but his gentle suggestion was exactly what I needed to find extra support.
5. A man who truly adores a woman doesn't make her life about him
About 97% of the time, we lead a very normal life for a young married couple. We both work full-time, and I’m in grad school. We go hiking and hang out with our friends.
But every once in a while, something happens, and I’m forced to process my past or an event in the news (or life in general) in a new way. Maybe I go back to my childhood home to visit family, or I’m assigned a reading for class that parallels my experience.
Whatever the case, no matter how I express it, he stays focused on supporting me. He goes home with me, not to advise me on how to deal with my family, but to support me. He listens even though he’s heard it before because he knows it’s what I need.
Men who truly respect women and want what's best for them let the women in their lives take center stage. It doesn't matter whether she's struggling or succeeding; it doesn't have to be about him. My husband holds space for me. I know good men because I married one of the best.
Hope Castle is a freelance writer who writes about feminism and its role in her marriage.
