Science Says Love Is These 10 Things — Not What Movies Told You
A. C. | Unsplash Love is one of the most important, yet most misunderstood emotions we experience. Human brains are naturally wired for connection with others, and we experience loneliness and rejection as painful threats to survival. For both biological and cultural reasons, many of us believe we need a lasting love relationship to be truly fulfilled.
Yet, in reality, love is not necessarily a lasting, unchanging state. Long-time love is not automatic but takes hard work, unselfishness, and a willingness to be vulnerable.
Science says love is these 10 things — not what movies told you:
1. Love is different from passion or lust
Physical attraction is an important part of love for most of us, but emotional love is different than lust. This is why one-night stands and alcohol-fueled hookups don’t tend to lead to long-term relationships. Studies of real-time brain scans showed that we manifest lust in the motivation/reward areas of the brain, while love lights up the regions connected to caring and empathy.
2. Love shows up both in the moment and over time
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There's something to the cliché of two hearts beating together as one: Research using fMRI scans showed that we experience love in the moment as a state of communion. In this moment of deep connection, people in love mirror each other’s facial expressions, gestures, and even physiological rhythms. But love can also be a lasting mental and emotional state in which we care deeply for each other's well-being, feel moved by each other's pain, and are motivated to help relieve each other's suffering.
3. Love grows through consistent effort
A meta-analysis of the best long-term studies of loving relationships highlights some behavior patterns that couples with lasting love share: Partners think of each other positively when they are not together. They support each other’s personal growth and development, and they undertake shared experiences in which they can learn and expand themselves.
4. Love is a skill that can be developed
Research on mindfulness and self-compassion shows that practicing these strategies regularly can develop our brains to be more positive and empathetic in a matter of months. Monks who regularly practice compassion meditation have a different rhythm of brain alpha waves than beginning meditation adherents or the average non-meditating person. Mindfulness and compassion meditations increase activity in brain centers connected with empathy and positive emotions, decrease activation of our fear centers, and make our brains more interconnected — a trait associated with the secure attachment pattern.
5. Love affects the body, not just the mind
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The Longevity Project showed that loving connection is beneficial to long-term physical health, and loneliness and a lack of social connection have been shown to shorten our lifespans as much as smoking. (Just being a member of a church, synagogue, or community group lessens this effect.) For men in particular, marriage improves long-term health — and the death of a spouse is a risk factor for earlier death. We don’t know if this is because wives encourage their spouses to take care of their health, or if it's directly related to their emotional and physical connection.
6. Love strengthens when you pay attention to it
When we deliberately focus our attention on our feelings and actions toward a loved one, we begin a positive reciprocal spiral of mutual appreciation and happiness. Let’s face it: We all want to be thought about, cared for, and appreciated. Research also shows that expressing gratitude in words or actions actually creates positive emotions in the giver as well as the receiver. The study pointed out how "greater perceptions of the expresser’s responsiveness after the interaction significantly predicted improvements in relationship quality over 6 months."
7. Love does not run out
Loving one person, even a lot, does not mean you have less to give to others. In fact, the opposite is true: Love is a capacity you can build within yourself through mental concentration, emotional engagement, and caring actions. When we focus on and savor our loving feelings for one person, the internal feelings of satisfaction and connection we experience can motivate us to be more loving in general.
8. Love depends on safety and trust
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One of the preconditions for loving feelings is a sense of safety and trust. To connect lovingly and empathically, your prefrontal cortex has to send a signal to the amygdala (the brain’s alarm center) to switch off your automatic “fight or flight” response. People who endured childhood trauma, neglect, abuse, or other experiences that threaten secure attachment may have a harder time switching off the “fight-flight-freeze” system — or feeling safe enough to love.
"The memories, even if pushed away and not conscious, are etched into your behaviors, in your relationship struggles, and into your not-so-good self-esteem," explained psychologist Sandra E Cohen, Ph.D. "Many traumatized children feel they’ve always been on their own and do the best they can to work things out for themselves. The problem is, there's only so much you can do all by yourself. That’s why the strongest effects of childhood trauma often go unresolved."
This reticence can be overcome with therapy or, sometimes, by a partner who repeatedly demonstrates trustworthiness and care. (However, if your repeated expressions of care are not reciprocated by any heart-softening in your partner, it could be time to consider moving on.)
9. Love spreads between people
A study of well-being among expectant and new parent couples found that "greater levels of self and other-compassion correlated with higher relationship and [intimate] satisfaction, and lower distress, while among postpartum couples it correlated with greater relationship satisfaction." Expressions of caring, compassion, and empathy can inspire these feelings in others. This may be why leaders such as the Dalai Lama or Nelson Mandela inspire followers to be their best selves — and help them calm down the fight or flight response.
10. Love is not always permanent, but it can last
In Sonnet 116, Shakespeare wrote that “Love is not love that alters when it alteration finds.” We now know that fixed, unchanging love is possible, but not the norm. In fact, some theorists even question the idea of a fixed, unchanging “self" — we are not the same person today as we were 10 years ago. Life experience can alter our biology, thought patterns, and behavior, and relationships may be challenged when one person’s needs change or both partners grow in different directions.
That being said, researcher Art Aron and colleagues at Stony Brook University have shown that, when thinking about their partners, the brain scans of a minority of people reporting long-term, intense love for their partners look the same as do the scans of individuals who report being newly in love.
Melanie Greenberg, Ph.D., is a psychologist, former Professor of Psychology at the California School of Professional Psychology, and author of The Stress-Proof Brain. She's an expert on positive psychology, mindfulness, managing stress, and improving relationships.
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