3 Relationship Lies We All Quietly Pretend Are Normal, Even Though They're Not
Just because everyone says them doesn't make them true.
Engin Akyurt | Unsplash The list of other people’s opinions on the topic of relationships is endless. There are articles, advice columns, and, of course, input from family and friends about every aspect of a relationship you can imagine.
Research from the American Psychological Association (APA) has shown that understanding these myths can help individuals and couples build healthier and more fulfilling relationships based on realistic expectations and effective communication.
But, what if none of it is true? What if most of what we’ve been taught about relationships is based on myths and misconceptions? What if the secret to finding love is that you could choose what works for you? It is, after all, your life.
Here are three relationship lies we all quietly pretend are normal, even though they're not:
1. 'It’s better to be in a relationship than to be single'
If you are single, you know what I'm talking about. How often are your friends and family trying to "set you up?" How often do you get asked whether or not you’ve "found someone?" A lot of significance has been placed on relationships, and with that comes the idea that you should have one.
What if a relationship is simply a choice? What if being single wasn’t right or wrong, better or worse? What if you could choose what works for you, regardless of what anyone else has to say about it?
Sometimes, it can be hard to know what you truly desire about relationships. Everyone else’s points of view can make it difficult for you to have your own. Something I discovered is that when something is true for you, it makes you feel lighter.
When something is not true for you, it makes you feel heavier. If you start asking questions, recognizing which choice feels lighter, and then choosing that, your life will get much easier.
2. 'Prince Charming exists — you just need to wait long enough to find him'
How many of you bought the idea that one day, Prince Charming, Mr. or Mrs. Right, the one who can do no wrong, will come riding in on a white horse, whisk you off into the sunset of happily ever after?
Of all the couples that you know, have you ever seen this occur? And, is that what you desire anyway? How small do you have to make yourself to need someone to come and rescue you? To save you? To give you the life you desire?
You are far greater than you know, and if you will embrace your greatness and let go of the illusion of Prince or Princess charming, you will begin to create your life as the fun, playful, and joyful celebration you desire.
Research suggests that holding unrealistic standards or 'destiny beliefs' can lead to lower relationship satisfaction, particularly when initial ideals are not met. Individuals with strong destiny beliefs may initially report high satisfaction, but their satisfaction tends to decline more steeply over time.
Start to ask this question: "What’s right about me that I’m not getting?" Most of us are very good at judging ourselves. If you start asking this question, you begin to perceive the greatness of you rather than the wrongness of you, which empowers you to choose and to create your life as you would like it to be, whether anyone else is in it or not.
3. 'If I care about my partner, I will sacrifice myself'
We've been taught that if we care for someone, we sacrifice for them. When we buy this as real and true, we cut off parts of ourselves to prove our care. Have you ever noticed that this doesn’t work? And, have you ever noticed that when you care for yourself, you care more for others?
The world is asking for you to show up with all of you — all of the beauty, brilliance, and greatness that you can be. When you cut off pieces of yourself to fit into a relationship, everyone misses out on the amazing gift of you!
Research indicates that while some level of sacrifice is normal and even beneficial in romantic relationships, excessive self-sacrifice can lead to negative consequences like resentment, decreased personal well-being, and relationship dissatisfaction.
Believing that intense care for a partner necessitates constant self-sacrifice can be particularly harmful, especially if the sacrifices are one-sided or motivated by avoidance rather than genuine care.
What would your relationship be like if you brought all of you into it? What would you create in your relationship and the world if you never stopped choosing for yourself?
You can start by taking one hour a day to do something that you love. Take a walk. Read a book. Paint a picture. Go for a swim. Sit somewhere in nature that is enjoyable to you. Choose for yourself and let them experience the joy, kindness, and care overflow.
Relationship myths don’t have to determine anything for you. You can create what works for you, whether that includes a relationship or not. Be willing to let go of what others have told you should be and choose what you know can be that works for you.
Dain Heer is an internationally renowned author, speaker, and facilitator of consciousness, and for the last 14 years has been inviting people to embrace their true greatness.
