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Marriage should be a refuge, not a prison.
By Carter Gaddis — Written on Mar 01, 2023
What makes someone feel seen and "safe" in a relationship? Well, let's start with the obvious:
Being seen is a fundamental truth of human relationships.
Of course, there are more subtle, even invisible, threats to a feeling of being seen in marriage.
A lifelong commitment should provide a refuge, not feel like a prison. Marriage is intended to lift you up, not keep you down.
It should be a warm comfort, a condition of contentment and solace.
Identifying how to nurture and preserve a state of marital contentment was why we asked a panel of YourTango Experts: What makes a wife feel seen in her marriage?
Below, you'll find our relationship experts' collective wisdom about the things that help a wife feel seen.
Here are the things you can do to help a wife feel seen, according to 11 relationship experts:
1. Acknowledge her contributions to the household
There are two things that often come up regarding the break-up of marriages: communication and financial equity.
So, when I am asked for marital advice, I suggest that couples work on communication skills so that each spouse feels that they are heard.
I also suggest financial transparency and equitability, which translates to each spouse feeling that their contributions to the family are recognized. That is especially important to women, who often sacrifice their careers and career prospects to care for their children.
Having their spouse recognize and value their contributions to the family helps wives feel safer in the marriage.
- Anna Krolikowska, divorce attorney and mediator
2. Show (and tell) the world how you feel about her
Nothing makes wives more excited than if you praise them in front of their friends or colleagues.
Whispering sweet words in their ears is great and they'll say it makes them feel good. But saying sweet words in front of others makes them beam in and out, and feel deeply secure.
In my experience, wives will comment with satisfaction if their man gives them flowers at home. Yet sending flowers or small gifts to their work for all to see for many days has a much more profound effect on their confidence and feeling safe.
If they do not work outside the home, it is even more important to make sure visitors, guests, and friends see and hear the husband spoiling them.
Wives will glow inside even if they do not say so right away.
- Fritz George Sauer, stress management consultant, author
3. Let her know you really understand her concerns
The simple answer is "trust that they will be heard" which would be so basic that it could be applied to any gender or marital status.
But a wife, in particular, wants to be heard as neither dramatic nor hysterical nor even as "overdoing" it when her emotional tenor might be more intense than her partner might be comfortable with.
She doesn't want to hear: "Do you think I'm that out of touch, that I'm going to forget to pick up our daughter at preschool?"
She wants to hear: "I really hear you're worried that in the busyness of my day, I might space out. I don't think that's going to happen, sweetheart, but I understand where that worry comes from."
A woman feels safe when her partner doesn't pathologize a concern of hers or feel pathologized because she has that concern.
- Nancy Dreyfus, Psy.D.
4. Never break her trust
A wife feels safest when he is always true to his word and she can trust him completely.
- Glynis McCants, numerologist
5. Always support her goals and dreams
I have always known my husband supports my dreams and gives me helpful feedback when needed.
He starts and ends each day with a hug and "I love you."
If I get frustrated or worry about anything, he is always calm and supportive and his outlook is always positive.
- Suzanne Geimer, RN, BSN, President, and founder of Special Angel Inc.
6. Be there for her through life's challenges
The most common response I hear about feeling safe with a husband is knowing that they can rely on and depend on their husband.
It is not even financial, it is about difficult life situations.
Women feel safe when they know they can get through any life complications because they can depend on and rely on their husbands.
- Ella Scaduto, owner of Smoky Matchmaker
7. Stay mentally connected with her through clear communication
Communication is the most important thing in a relationship. It builds trust — especially emotional trust.
Being aware that how you say something is often more vital than what you say, and understanding key communication strategies can certainly help one to develop a safe relationship container.
A woman's reality is based on emotion — men alter her reality through their communication. If you become avoidant, harsh, and defensive with her she will feel unsafe.
Staying connected to her mind connects you to her heart and says that she is safe with you in all ways.
- Rene Schooler, relationship, intimacy, and dating coach
8. Build an intimate relationship that fosters understanding
Countless wives have taught me that they yearn for a partner who hears what they need and demonstrates that understanding, no matter if this is communicated in words, or by actions.
This creates intimacy. This makes them feel safe. But communication, even between two people who love each other, is not a given.
Marriages involve the juggling of many demands where heart-to-heart conversations are unfortunately often squeezed in between dual employments, the needs of children, a pet, and the demands of a home.
A date night? For many, that’s the icing on a cake that there’s no time to bake.
As a result, wives often feel increasingly isolated by virtue of feeling the need to hold everything together. They hold everything inside, resulting in anxiety, and resentment — leading to feeling disconnected from their partner, and feeling unsafe.
But what increases feelings of safety is a partner who can decode her actions, and see through her perhaps irritated comments.
Responding with a hug, a kiss, a reassuring word, even a conversation, maybe a card, or a call — anything that says I see you, I hear you, you’re important to me — creates intimacy and connection, and thus safety.
- Patricia O'Gorman, psychologist, life coach
9. Support her emotionally
Emotional support is critical in the big and small moments of your relationship.
As your life partner, you want them to be there for you and meet you where you are. Teach them to ask you "What do you need right now?"
Teach them how to comfort you including encouraging them to listen and not fix anything unless you ask, to hug you, to kiss you and/or hold you — whatever you need.
Your job is to teach them how to comfort you in a way that works for you and then to receive what they do provide with love and appreciation.
If something doesn't work, ask them to do what you want with loving kindness.
- Marilyn Sutherland, relationship, communication, and women's empowerment coach
10. Talk together in person, not only through texts
Communication makes a woman feel safe in most relationships.
There's not enough face-to-face dialogue these days. Screen time isn't "couple" time.
Texting isn't talking. Reveal your secrets and emotions. Answer her questions.
Don't lie to protect yourself or the relationship. Lying will be its downfall eventually.
Sit down regularly and talk about your life — and why you love each other.
- Kathryn Brown Ramsperger, life and creativity coach, author
11. Build a relationship based on trust
According to various studies, the No. 1 thing that wives say makes them feel safe in their marriage is trust.
Trust is a foundational aspect of any healthy relationship, and it is particularly important in a marriage.
Wives want to feel that they can trust their partners to be honest, loyal, and reliable and that they will honor their commitments and promises. This includes being transparent, communicating openly, and following through on agreements.
When trust is established and maintained in a marriage, it can help to foster a sense of security and intimacy and create a strong foundation for a lasting and fulfilling relationship.
- Clare Waismann, M-RAS/SUDCC II, founder of Waismann Method Rapid Detox
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Carter Gaddis is the senior editor for experts and wellness with YourTango.