I Quiet Quit My Marriage After 20 Years & What Happened In Bed Was My Final Breaking Point
Africa images | Canva It's not that our marriage was perfect (no such thing), but it was pretty good in the beginning.
My husband and I liked each other, we had the same sense of humor, and we enjoyed a lot of the same activities. When we met, he made good money and lived in a nice condo in a nice neighborhood. We had a blast in the early years of our relationship and marriage. Of course, there were some issues that we worked through. I learned to work around his anxiety, and more often than not, I was the one who had to change to accommodate his discomfort. This wasn't that big of a deal to me in the early years, as I had a docile personality and was a bit of a people-pleaser. It wasn't until after we had our child, twelve years into our marriage, that I started to notice just how much I had to take on, how little he did, and how much I had to limit and deny myself because I had to cater to his needs first.
I didn't realize it then, but I was quiet quitting my marriage
Gabriel Ponton / Unsplash+
I didn’t even cook for him or do his laundry. We hired cleaners. I imagine that these things made it that much harder for me to justify wanting to leave. The marriage wasn’t that bad. He at least paid half of the bills and took out the trash. It turns out those were the only two things he did.
We both worked full-time. But in addition to working full-time and paying half of the household expenses, I handled most of the tasks around the house, including dishes, cleaning, laundry, and prepping meals for our child. I paid all of the household bills and he paid me his half when I asked him for it.
According to Pew Research Center, spouses earn about the same amount of money in 29% of opposite-sex marriages. Even as financial contributions have become more equal in marriages, the way couples divide their time between paid work and home life remains unbalanced. Women take a heavier load on household chores and caregiving responsibilities, while men spend more time on work and leisure.
We had cleaning people come twice a month, but there was still a lot to do with a messy toddler who required constant attention and care. When my child needed to go to the doctor or dentist, I was the one who took time off work and handled it. Never once did my husband even offer to help. If I was lucky, I could leave work a little early to go to the gym. That was the only time I had to myself.
Every other moment was devoted to somebody else who needed me to do something for them: My work, my child, my husband.
After he came home from work, my husband would sit in the same spot on the couch where he'd been sitting for months. He would scroll through social media and drink vodka until he went to bed. The sound of ice clunking into a glass became a triggering sound for me.
One day, I gently pointed out that I felt like I was a single mom with a roommate.
I said that he never helped around the house and that I was doing everything in addition to my full-time job. He simply said, “I know”, and the conversation stopped there. I knew nothing would change. I was too tired and defeated to fight about it, to fight about anything, so I let it go.
The bedroom became my final breaking point
Around that time, the intimacy stopped. I initiated a few times, and sometimes he would go through the motions, but eventually, he started saying no more often than yes. It became harder for me to initiate because it hurt to be turned down, and I was reaching a point where I wasn't attracted to him anymore for all the other reasons I mentioned before.
I wasn’t imagining how much this mattered. Researchers who study intimacy frequency and relationship satisfaction have found that regular intimacy is closely tied to how happy couples are, and that happy couples with little to no intimacy are rare. Anger, resentment, and profound hurt seethed under my calm demeanor. I kept a mask on, but it was getting harder and harder to pretend to be happy. He didn't notice anyway.
It wasn't exactly a conscious decision, but it was at this point that I realized I was quiet quitting my marriage.
I made myself smaller and smaller to make him comfortable, to make the relationship work, and to let him live the life he wanted to live. He was giving up on life, and I wasn't done yet. I was still a vibrant, young woman with goals and interests I wanted to pursue. I wanted to travel, go to festivals and concerts, and try new restaurants.
Getting healthier reminded me I still wanted a life
I wanted to embrace life and all it had to offer, and all he seemed to want to do was sit on the couch and feel sorry for himself. As my child got older and a little more independent, I started finding more spare time to focus on my interests. I was meal-prepping and going to the gym more often. I worked out almost every day. I created playlist after playlist to drive my workouts.
I would listen to energetic songs about being in love, bitter and sad songs about breakups and unrequited love, and songs about physical intimacy. It was the only outlet I had. As I dropped weight and became healthier, my libido raged. I started to fantasize about having an affair. In the almost 20 years we had been together, it had never once occurred to me to stray. This was the first time that I had these thoughts. I knew it was a horrible idea, but I found myself in a situation I never agreed to. I never agreed to be in an intimacy-free marriage.
I endured everything else: The endless sleepless nights alone with my child. The constant caretaking tasks I did alone. Managing the household on my own. Reminding about birthdays, buying presents, decorating for holidays, and buying costumes for Halloween. Planning entire vacations. All of this and so much more. But when he stopped wanting to be intimate, that is when I finally completely checked out.
I was in this state of mind when I met the person who was to become my affair partner.
I wasn't looking for him, but I didn't turn him away when he found me. And it was everything everyone said it would be. Incredible highs and terrible lows. But I was done.
Autumn Bahar is a lawyer, scientist, and essayist.
