Psychologist Says Lying About This One Topic Can Hurt A Marriage More Than An Affair
Peopleimages.com | Canva When you stopped dating everyone else and said your “I do’s,” you committed to being honest with your spouse and telling no lies. Yet, if your partner decides to pick and choose when honesty applies to money, you are knee-deep in infidelity: financial infidelity.
Financial infidelity is any type of lying, hiding, or hoarding of money within a relationship, and yes, money problems caused by financial infidelity can be as painful and messy as an affair, and often worse. Plus, you also have the added punch in the gut of having screwed-up finances.
This kind of betrayal can do more serious damage to a relationship than a romantic affair ever could, says clinical psychologist Dr. Wendy Walsh who explained, "It's one thing to fear that your husband might stray with his heart and/or his body, but what most women don't realize is that the risk of financial infidelity is far more dangerous and could lead to longer-term consequences for women and their children."
Discovering you’ve been lied to about money can throw off your balance, kind of like you are on the slippery deck of a ship, pitching up and down in the waves, and you feel like hurling over the side. You thought you could rely on this person above all others, to be honest with you, but now here you are. Do you bail? Do you hurl over the side? What do you do now with financial identity?
A psychologist says lying about money can hurt a marriage more than an affair, but here's how to recover:
1. Confess and forgive
First of all, if financial infidelity happens to you, you are not alone: A study found that lots of couples encounter the pain and struggle of money problems and secrets. A good first step is to confess if you’re the one hiding money. Or if you suspect your spouse is less than honest, get yourself into a positive, not-going-to-throw-anything frame of mind and ask them about the discrepancy. Maybe some strange money habits can be explained.
If they confess to lying about money, take a deep breath, then let them know it ends today. Remember, you bring shortcomings to the relationship, too. Let them know you forgive them, or at least let them know that even though you are mad now, you will listen and work toward forgiving them.
Sometimes, you will need to forgive multiple times. Their behavior may not change overnight. Even if they don’t plan to hide their spending or savings, they may be so used to it that they commit the same mistake again. Show your strength. Be honest. Be forgiving.
2. Establish new money routines
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Tomorrow is the first day of a new season for your marriage. Things can not go on as they have in the past; you will ruin your relationship and your finances. Don’t expect different results if you both act the same way you did before. Change up how you’ve been handling your money. If only one person had visibility to everything coming in and going out, stop that. You are grown adults, and you can and should both be involved in the finances.
If sales are your weakness, eliminate some temptations: unfollow brands on social media that make you reach for your card, and unsubscribe from the updates (and solicitations) from your store credit cards. Get rid of the 'deal of the day' emails. Avoid big stores if that's where you go off the rails. You can get groceries near your home and avoid pushing your cart past the pretty seasonal items, new clothes, or sports equipment.
Sit down together, identify your problem areas, and agree to establish new routines for how to handle your money. We set a new routine last ski season. When one of us sees something we’d like that’s over $200, we stop and snap a pic and send it to the other for their input.
It’s not a “Mother May I?” game, but it has helped both of us pause and think through our wants and our needs. If one of us says, “Pass,” we can still bring it up later if we have thought about it and feel strongly about the benefit of the item.
It doesn’t shut either of us down, and research supports that having open communication around finance keeps yet another set of skis from showing up in our garage.
3. Remove communication barriers
Figure out what damaged your communication before the financial infidelity happened:
- Did you find you texted about things you probably should have sat down and discussed?
- Did you have accounts you both weren’t aware of?
- Did both of you know about every credit card the other has? Store cards, too?
- Did one of you hide money for a personal cash stash?
- Do you hate talking about money, so you avoid it?
- Do you have any kind of set day or monthly date to discuss money?
Find the hole in the boat that’s sinking, and remove those barriers to success. We aren’t saying remove all personal free will and the ability to have an account of your own. If you think it works, you can have separate accounts, but insist on total transparency of those accounts.
We have three bank accounts between the two of us, and we both have access and visibility to all three at any time we want. The same goes for our credit cards. Especially after a breach of trust, it's critical to remove any doubt of what’s going on by sharing 100 percent of your information 100 percent of the time.
4. Seek help from a professional
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Money secrets can create a huge mess. People are hurt and mad, and more often than not, your finances have taken a beating. It’s often helpful to get a neutral party to help you sort out your mess.
You wouldn’t ask your best friend to fix the gash in your arm, so don’t think twice about enlisting the help of a professional to untangle the mess and give you both impartial advice for a successful future. If you can’t seem to move forward positively together, call a financial advisor for assistance.
5. Be careful of your go-forward focus
This step is easy to forget, but it's so important. Reward your success. Celebrate the changes you make. If you set a new budget or establish a new routine and you both stick to it for a month or two – celebrate. Go out to eat, grab dessert, or hit the game together that weekend.
Reward the steps, no matter how small, that you take in the right direction. Share in your accomplishments together. Remember, no one wants to save money and, in the process, ruin a relationship. What good is that?
So be careful not to get so focused on the money side of this problem that you neglect the relationship side. Learn to trust each other again. According to legal advice site Nolo, the average divorce costs $20,400. So think of all the cash you save as money you can invest in your relationship. (Please don’t go out and buy something for that amount.)
Being lied to about money, even small amounts, stinks. But your relationship is worth more than an amount on a statement. Be transparent. Make some positive changes. Go forward together. Enjoy a healthier, wealthier life.
The Money Couple helps others achieve financial freedom while putting family first. They offer services and resources to bring couples closer together, not only in their marriages but in their finances as well.
