People Who Have Their Heart Broken Usually End Up Transforming In These 10 Really Wild Ways
The often-unexpected ways people evolve once their heart has been broken for real.
Rido | Unsplash Breakups hurt. End of story. They not only affect you right away but also have lasting effects (some good, some not-so-good) that end up changing who you are as a person and how you interact with other people and future relationships. If you've had someone break up with you, you know the following feelings all too well.
There's a reason so many of the world's greatest songs, poems, and works of art were born from heartbreak. But it's also the beginning of becoming someone stronger, wiser, and more fully yourself than you ever were inside the relationship. These are the ways heartbreak quietly rebuilds you into someone you might not recognize at first, but someone you'll eventually be grateful to meet.
People who have their hearts broken usually end up transforming in these 10 really wild ways:
1. They're more cautious with who they put in their life
You don’t hesitate to say “no” to people, but not in the extreme way that you tell it to everyone who approaches you, even if they’re only asking for directions. What saying “no” means is that you’re now being careful and brave, to politely decline someone’s sweet offer to be their one true love when, in your big heart, you can feel that it’s only going to end in tragic bitterness. You’re not yet too bummed to have a score of zero in the romance department, so you don’t mind waiting for someone nicer.
Research has found that personal growth can follow romantic dissolution, and part of that growth is developing better conflict management and communication skills that lead to greater satisfaction in future relationships. When you politely decline someone who gives you that familiar uneasy feeling in your gut, you're being wise, and you're finally trusting yourself enough to wait for something that actually feels right.
2. They trust themselves more
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If there’s one person in this overpopulated world who is never going to lie to you, that's you. But this isn’t a fact that you magically realize one day. It takes one huge, dramatic heartbreak for you to learn that when you’re all alone at 3 a.m., dehydrated due to constant sobbing, you only have yourself to count on. You are the only one who knows yourself and your secrets better.
There is nobody who can hurt you if they don’t know your weaknesses — it is only you who’s ultimately knowledgeable of these imperfections, and you’ve learned not to share them with anyone but yourself.
3. They are no longer surprised by disappointments
You don’t flinch when people and circumstances let you down. You have seen people walk away, without saying a word, just a goodbye wave.
You have been ghosted. You have mourned for someone who is still very much alive. Disappointments do not shock you anymore. You just give a quick, sad smile when another human being forgets to make good on his or her promises, remind yourself that people normally mess up, and move forward in your life with no complaints.
Life coach María Tomás-Keegan explained that disappointments are not meant to destroy you; they are meant to strengthen you. Part of that strengthening is a quiet recalibration of what you expect from people.
4. They stop social media stalking
Not only is it infinitely embarrassing when you get caught, but also because it also destroys your morale. After too many hours of going through your ex’s social media profiles, it will dawn upon you how pointless it is to care about that one person who has forgotten about you a long time ago.
It’s emotionally draining to investigate someone’s life and compare them to you. Some things are not worth knowing. You learn to keep your attention to yourself and live your life.
5. They reset their expectations
Unless you’re twelve, you’re well aware and experienced that there’s no fairytale in online dating. Maybe there’s a 0.01% chance of people having happily ever after in that shared universe, but after spending some time in these dating apps, you’re somehow convinced that you’re on the other side of the equation.
You’re not silly enough to not know that chats coming into your inbox after midnight are better left ignored. People sign up for dating apps for a lot of reasons, and having a serious relationship is mostly not one of them.
Heartbreak has a way of stripping away romantic delusions, especially when it comes to the chaos of dating apps. According to a survey by the Pew Research Center, roughly seven-in-ten online daters believe it's very common for users to lie to try to appear more desirable, and by a wide margin, Americans who have used a dating site or app in the past year say the experience left them feeling more frustrated (45%) than hopeful (28%).
6. They view loneliness differently
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You discover that spending time with yourself isn’t sad. Your own company doesn’t suck as much as you thought it would. You can learn so much about yourself when you’re not influenced by other people.
The evolution of a human being, on average, isn’t dependent on whether he or she is in a romantic relationship. No one dies of anxiety by sitting somewhere alone. It’s okay to date yourself once in a while.
7. They realize they can’t change people
Most people don’t react nicely when they’re being controlled, let alone being manipulated. You can give them your opinions and suggestions, but it’s they who will decide in the end if they will accept or reject those. It’s not cool to push your beliefs down their throats. No one wants to have their freedoms stepped on. It’s not okay to force people to change for you.
Coach Marilyn Sutherland echoes this, explaining bluntly, "No, you cannot change another person. Our habit patterns are established in childhood and practiced for decades, so it takes effort for us to change."
8. They follow their instincts better
You don’t ignore your feelings when they tell you that something is off. You look at people who show interest in you, like a hawk. You read their intentions very carefully — do they really like you because they’re crazy about you?
Or do they like you only because they want something from you? Not all first impressions last. Asking yourself questions about someone’s character helps you avoid making bad decisions.
9. They stop taking everything personally
When people dump you, it doesn’t automatically mean there’s something wrong with you. Most of the time, if not all, those who, one day, decided to leave you are the ones who have major problems that need solving.
Maybe you’re too good for them, and they just don’t feel like they deserve you. Whatever excuse they have for leaving you, in the end, it boils down to the fact that they can’t handle someone like you. And it’s never too late to find the one person who can.
Research from Stanford University found that those who did not link rejection to their own self-image fared better emotionally after a breakup. These types of people thought of the breakup as more of an indication of incompatibility, rather than a reflection of themselves.
10. They are gentle with other people's hearts
Just because someone destroyed your precious feelings before doesn’t give you the license to do the same for someone else. There’s nothing to be gained by inflicting pain on another person.
When you find yourself in a situation that you don’t like, you don’t just suddenly walk away without saying a word. People deserve to know the truth, or at least an explanation, the moment you thought you didn’t want them in your life anymore. You can’t just weirdly disappear on the face of the earth. You have to give them a valid reason for your departure, which, in turn, will help them heal and go on in their lives.
Angelo Caerlang is a digital media writer, contributor to YourTango and Thought Catalog, and published author of Sparks in Broken Lights.
