People Who Focus On These 4 Things Create The Most Secure Relationships

Dr. Jeff Guenther shifted his own attachment style by focusing on four simple things (and you can too!).

securely attached couple holding hands Carrastock / Shutterstock

Do you find yourself constantly anxious about the state of your relationship? If so, you likely worry about rejection or being left out, making you act a little bit clingy. 

Trust me when I say you're not alone in this. Many of us deal with similar feelings. However, working through these insecurities is a must if we want to grow and develop as people. But, how do we get there?

Licensed therapist Jeff Guenther shares four things he focused on in order to move himself to a secure attachment style. By following his tips, you can too!

@therapyjeff As a therapist, this is how I went from being anxiously attached to securely attached. #mentalhealth #therapy #relationshiptips #datingadvice #dating #anxiousattachment #secureattachment ♬ original sound - TherapyJeff

RELATED: 5 Signs You're Creating A Truly Secure Attachment


Four Things To Focus On In Order To Go From Anxiously To Securely Attached

1. Pick partners with high emotional intelligence.

If you want to be securely attached, it's important to make sure the person you're dating is emotionally intelligent. But why is this such a big deal?

Guenther says, "This way we could talk about our emotional experiences and soothe each other instead of being reactive and triggered."

Keep in mind, that dating someone with low emotional intelligence will only make your anxious attachment worse, making forming a secure attachment harder.

They won't understand where you're coming from, which can lead to self-doubt in yourself and your feelings.

@orrinwebbjr Here is what emotional intelligence looks like in a relationship. A secure, healthy relationship demands that you respond with how you feel in a mature way to prevent your anxiety from growing. Anxious avoidant relationships can learn from this one! Notice how she does this. Her choosing to respond gets him to respond effectively too. Positive loop of high EQ behavior! #emotionalintelligence #anxiousattachment #avoidantattachment #relationshipsbelike ♬ Intergalactic Janet - Ley Soul

2. Treat yourself like your best friend.

When in doubt try talking to yourself like you would a best friend. Now, on the surface, this might seem a bit silly. After all, how does talking to yourself like you would a friend make a difference?

But talking kindly to yourself can actually have a bigger impact on your development than you might think.

According to the National Library of Medicine, "Perhaps more importantly, self-compassion is strongly associated with emotional intelligence and wisdom."


So, if you feel negative self-talk creeping in, take a deep breath and clear your mind. Think about the advice you would give to your friend.

Likely you'd tell them, "Hey, it's okay that you're feeling this way there is nothing wrong with you," says Guenther.

Remember, to be gentle with yourself and give yourself the grace to fall and make mistakes.

RELATED: How People Who Form Insecure Attachments Can Create Secure, Healthy Relationships

3. Ask your partner for closeness.

In my personal experience, being close to my partner greatly helps ease my anxiety and insecurities. Yep, just one tiny hug from my fiance can clear my mind of most self-doubt.


couple hugging on couch Just Life / Shutterstock

Yet, being close doesn't only mean hugs or kisses. Guenther says, "It could be cuddles, words of affirmation, or just hooking up."

He continues that experiencing love from his partner has always brought healing and comfort during his most vulnerable times of need. And who knows, maybe it could be the same for you.


4. Create a coherent narrative of your life.

Want to create a coherent narrative of your life? Start by understanding your past experiences first. The best way to do this is to go to therapy. However, you can do this by yourself, says Guenther.

I'd suggest grabbing a journal to write down and keep track of your most important past experiences. Then, try to understand how these experiences influence your current behavior.

Guenther explains, "I was able to develop better psychological integration and emotional stability," by implementing this method.


Here's the reality: forming secure attachments is hard work and you're going to make plenty of mistakes along the way.

But by using these four tips, your journey to creating a secure attachment just got a whole lot easier.

RELATED: How To Immediately Tell If You Have A Secure Or Insecure Attachment Style

Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.