People Who Always Feel Oddly Exhausted Around Someone Often Don’t Realize These 4 Signs Explain Why
The kind of person who takes and never gives is called a leech narcissist.
Anhelina Osaulenko | Unsplash If you’ve never had to deal with a narcissist, count yourself lucky. Their elevated sense of self-importance, need for excessive validation from others, lack of emotional intelligence, and tendency to almost enjoy traumatizing you can leave you in a state of utter despair. People who have spent any amount of time connected to a narcissist rarely leave the relationship unscathed.
But not all narcissists are created equally. There are malignant narcissists, one of the most evil and dangerous types of narcissists. Then you have the overt narcissist who fits the definition to a tee: a grandiose personality, a preoccupation with dreams of success and power, conniving and manipulative, and a huge superiority complex.
The covert narcissist flies under the radar but has the same destructive characteristics. They just hide theirs better. One type of narcissist you might be unfamiliar with is the ‘leech’ narcissist. Nawal Houghton, a divorce coach who specializes in divorce from narcissists, coined the term in an Instagram reel explaining the personality traits of a leech narcissist who always takes, but never really gives. The leech narcissist is a member of the covert narcissist family who has “strategized” to make you take care of them while you get nothing at all in return.
People who always feel exhausted around someone often don’t realize these 4 signs explain why:
1. This person always finds a way to make you take care of them
According to Houghton, a leech narcissist will always find a way to make you take care of them. You go to work and make a living that will support their financial needs. On the home front, there will be no give and take. You’re on your own, and they are just a dependent. They may even have “hunted you down” with the intention of using you from the start.
Therapist Joanne Brothwell notes that if your partner habitually disregards your needs and feelings, there is a good chance they don't care about you because their only true goal in life is finding out what others can do for them, with low empathy going hand-in-hand with the ability to use others for personal gain
2. This person can never seem to find or keep a job
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Leech narcissists seemingly put in effort to find work, but always come up empty, even in a great job market. Even when they find employment, it doesn’t last long, and they are full of excuses as to why. It’s always someone else’s fault; the supervisor, a coworker, or they simply didn’t like the job.
Studies reveal that employee narcissism negatively predicts organizational commitment, with narcissists' overestimation of their abilities and perception of job-hopping ease failing to enhance their attachment to any particular organization. This consistent pattern of blaming external circumstances instead of accepting responsibility makes it nearly impossible for narcissists to maintain stable employment.
3. This person never takes any responsibility
One would think that if one partner is working hard and providing, the other will step up and make the house a home. That is certainly an incorrect assumption with the leech narcissist. He will allow you to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders while he sits back and watches. If you’re looking for someone you can grow and build with, you’ve come to the wrong place.
Narcissists want a life full of fun, leisure, and excitement, and anything outside of fun is not their thing, preferring for others to handle all things boring or difficult, explains licensed psychologist Dr. Sherrie Campbell. They're allergic to the words "responsibility" and "accountability," and they're not in relationships to contribute but to receive and for someone else to take care of them.
4. This person purposely does a bad job, so you won't ask them again
Houghton says that these leeches “will do a really bad job so you never ask them again.” They will weaponize incompetence to complete tasks halfheartedly, doing an unsatisfactory job so you feel like it’s easier to just do it yourself. Your leech narcissists won’t feel bad at all as you slave away.
When it comes to leech narcissists, they aren’t much different from the rest. They feel entitled to your labor, resources, and undying love. They take because in their minds, they deserve to, and you owe them for the mere privilege of being in their presence.
Experts describe narcissistic sabotage as any action designed to hurt or damage the interests of another person for the purpose of making a direct personal gain, with passive forms including withdrawal of cooperation, failure to keep promises, and abandonment of shared responsibilities. This calculated incompetence allows narcissists to avoid unwanted tasks while simultaneously making their victims feel inadequate for having expectations, creating a cycle where the victim takes on increasingly more responsibility to avoid the frustration of dealing with the narcissist's deliberate failures.
Relationships are built on love, mutual support, trust, communication, and understanding. Whether your partner is a narcissist or not, they are overburdening you if they don’t pull their weight. You should be comfortable alone and only attach to a person who adds to or enhances your life. If they can’t do that, what are they really there for?
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
