People Who Seem Lovely But Have Sociopathic Traits Often Show 10 Low-Key Signs
Anelo | Shutterstock Have you ever wondered if the lovely person you love has the personality traits of a narcissist or sociopath? If there were ever a buzzword that has been cast about almost recklessly in the past few years, it might be narcissism. Whenever someone is perceived as ego-centric, having too much self-focus, or hogging attention, they are considered a narcissist.
Like a puppeteer, the narcissist pulls strings with the victim puppet, doling out morsels of praise and kindness, which are quickly swept away at the first misstep. Confused, the victim eventually wonders to self and others: “Am I going crazy?” because they imagine the condemnation they receive is somehow justified.
People who seem lovely but have sociopathic traits often show a few signs:
1. They’re excessively charming
With 100 percent attentiveness, flirtatiousness, and looks that scream, “I can’t get enough of you,” the narcissistic charmer is a shrewd observer of what to do to get you to admit that they “had you at hello.”
The charmer intuitively gets your vulnerabilities and leverages them by showering you with praise, compliments, gifts, or whatever addresses your primary and secondary love language.
When they realize that you’re hooked, they resort to their default position. This is where the scales tip, and now, although you don’t know why, you have to really work for the next compliment, date night, or gushy text.
An uneasiness creeps in, and you come to the conclusion that you have to be more loving and attentive if you want to keep this person in your life. You allow the snarky comments, the caustic barbs; you don't want to rock the boat on this lucky catch that miraculously appeared.
2. They boast about everything
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They tell you of all their successes both in business and all aspects of life. In their business, they speak of being the CEO of a business that once was part of a Fortune 500 company and boast of multi-million-dollar deals. Because you're so trusting, and they're so self-assured, you don't verify their past.
They’re highly insecure. Their grandiosity is all smoke and mirrors, and once you spend a nominal fee for a background check, you can discover failed business careers, possible lawsuits, and even a changed name.
3. They love to mention credentials
Within a casual dinner conversation, they mention their time at elite universities, both undergraduate and graduate, Summa Cum Laude, all with the most humble of expressions.
They’re actually a non-degree student. The narcissist may have taken a couple of courses from a community college or a continuing education course or two.
4. They pass themselves off as intelligent
You're wowed that you can bring up any topic, and they have knowledge of it! You think they're smart and articulate. From Cricket to Feng Shui, to their acclaimed success with how to invest in the stock market and best secure your 401K, they have all the answers.
They’re actually not wise. They don’t know about much. But they do know how to redirect once they've exhausted their superficial knowledge base on any subject. And they know to always come back to charming and distract you when redirection is required.
5. They’re friendly in a fake way
Boasting about friends all over the globe, the friendly narcissist tells you they're adored by many. You'll hear of lifelong friends in faraway places, and even former lovers who still think they're fantastic, and with whom they’re still friends.
They actually have few to zero friends. You won’t know this until you try to meet these longtime friends, where your narcissist will have a pocketful of excuses why the timing isn’t right.
He's out of town; she's going through a hard time; they're just too busy. They swear they can be friends with everyone: They tell you they broke up with their ex, but remain friends because the ex “was really such a good person.”
They’re actually lying, manipulative, and belittling. They've perfected the body language, intonation, and persona of being a person of character. In reality, they broke up with the ex, and the ex paid to get them out of their hair. The narcissist paints a picture of how they get along great with the ex, but the ex actually has a restraining order against them.
6. Low-key sociopaths love to tear happy people down
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You are finally so thrilled to be with someone who totally gets you and whom you can tell anything. Because you believe they're super charming, confident, and intelligent, you can vent away, and they'll listen with rapt attention.
But you start to worry that you're not good enough. Like a slow drip, the denigration drops in so subtly and eventually fills you with a reservoir of shame and disempowerment. And it happens when you experience the slightest elevated mood or tone that has nothing to do with the narcissist.
Could be something successful at work, and wham! You hear an icy comment: “I didn’t realize it was too much to ask you to pick up the dry cleaning on your way home from your coveted job. You forgot. Again.”
7. They claim to share your beliefs
Whether you’re religious, spiritual, or value family above all else or work above all else, they will agree wholeheartedly with whatever you value. If you are faith-oriented, they will become a new member at your place of worship at the first opportunity.
No one is more pious than the narcissist, and they will tell you (probably a lie) how their childhood experience with religion shaped the integrity and soul of who they have become today.
They’re actually without values. It’s all part of the show to reel you in to mirror whatever you hold near and dear. They believe in only one higher power: Themselves.
8. Sociopathic personalities pretend to be inclusive
Claiming the more the merrier, the narcissist tells you to have everyone join you for dinner, at your home, or out at a party. As the saying goes, it’s all fun and games until they see you’re having fun without them being the sole reason for your elevated mood.
They’re actually experts in alienation. If you are at a party and wander off or leave their side for more than five minutes, there will be a consequence down the road.
Next time you want to get together with family and friends, there will be an excuse, a hiccup, a feigned illness, or a fight brought on by the narcissist who wants to alienate you from anyone else who makes you feel good about yourself.
Your friends and family gently point out a red flag or two, but you ignore these well-meaning and loving people because you've been emotionally captured in the narcissist’s web of manipulation.
9. They claim to have integrity
They go to great lengths to illustrate and prove how benevolent they are; how loyal and trustworthy they are to all their many friends. The person with a narcissistic personality disorder will share stories of how they’ve supported their friends, which is intended to bring tears to your eyes. And then you wonder, "How could I be so lucky?"
They’re deceptive. Their moral compass is nonexistent. Myopically, they will stop at nothing to get their own needs met. They fabricate stories of the kindness they’ve extended to others, which you accept because you’ll never meet these supposed friends.
The narcissist will keep you at arm's length from their friend network, which is, in reality, an illusion. While they’ll speak of being deep-rooted with old friends and communities, they are more often on the run. They’ve been outed by their past cons, and like a nomad, will go to a new place to begin a fresh charade.
10. They go for the wow factor
They wow you with romantic getaways they know you’ll love, as well as giving you amorous attention. They whisper fantasies to you on the plane ride to your vacation, where they drop hints of their prowess.
They’re actually incapable of fulfilling your needs. You are left with their whispered words that vaporize in the air. The narcissist cannot experience connection, and so they place all of the responsibility for that eerie sense of disconnection onto you.
The feeling of emptiness in you is so palpable that you spend a little more time on your looks, exercise more, all the while second-guessing yourself. You think maybe you are too rigid, and that’s why your partner wasn't into you.
After all, how are they supposed to be fulfilled when you are subpar? Ultimately, the narcissist creates a dynamic where the onus of responsibility always comes back to you.
It’s up to you (and perhaps the help of a counselor) to recognize, identify, and avoid the emotional fault lines. It’s up to you not to fall prey to manipulation and remember: If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Poppy and Geoff Spencer, M.S., CPC, are certified relationship counselors, nationally syndicated writers, and certified in Myers-Briggs. They’ve been interviewed on NBC, ABC, CBS, Bustle, and PopSugar.
